My Sleep Went to Sh*t After Divorce

But I discovered lying awake doesn't have to suck, and two things that help me fall asleep faster

Welcome to another edition of Beyond Self Improvement! If you missed it, here’s last week’s essay: Playing With a 3-Year-Old Was the Most Fun I've had in a Long Time.

My stepdaughter left for college today. I felt sad and cried.

How’s your sleep?

Dear Friend,

I woke up in the night to damp sheets, touched my hand to my chest, and felt dripping sweat. This had become a nightly ritual, my nervous system on high alert after my ex-wife moved out.

Sure, age and marital stress had begun affecting my slumber years ago, but this was different.

Post Divorce

Every night, at 3 a.m., I lay in bed for two to five hours before finally falling back to sleep. I began to worry. What if this continued indefinitely? What if I became too tired to work? What if I cut my life short?

Oddly, despite the heaviness of separation, I felt more alive than ever. I figured it must be the surplus energy no longer being consumed battling my ex-wife. But why was I feeling so bad at night if I felt great during the day?

Maybe the problem wasn't lying awake but my resistance to it.

What if I just stopped fighting? I did, and you know what? I no longer tossed and turned and lay in bed, aware I was okay.

What It’s Like Today

Fast-forward fourteen years, and my sleep has yet to return to "normal." I've learned that my situation is shared by friends, Substack writers, and even Netflix's co-founder.

After the divorce, I lived simply and could get by with less sleep, but today, I require more, given the added complexity of a partner, stepkids, house and new mid-life career. The past year and a half have been challenging: starting a weekly newsletter, posting and engaging daily on multiple social media platforms, leading groups, coaching and working part-time.

I vaguely know where I'm going and what I'm doing, and my nervous system is often overstimulated. I experience waking up at night as if I'm sleeping at the bottom of the ocean, suddenly rocketing upward and breaching the water's surface.

Unlike before, I feel like crap and "face the day with my head caved in looking like something the cat brought in" when I don't get enough sleep. I'm tired, my mind is muddied and unfocused, and I work longer hours to compensate for the reduced productivity. It's a Catch-22: too much work leaves me overstimulated, resulting in a lack of sleep. Too little productivity leaves me upset and anxious, resulting in poor sleep.

What Helps My Sleep

Some call sleep "poor man's Nirvana" because it can spell the difference between a good and great day. Here's what I found helps me sleep through the night.

Early to bed. The earlier I go to bed, the more likely I am to get enough sleep. If I could be in bed by 8 p.m. and up at 4 a.m., I would. But my partner and stepkids are night owls, so I compromise and get to bed around 10 p.m.

Limit caffeine consumption. I cut back on coffee and tea from 2-3 cups to .5-1.5 cups per day. I also stopped consuming caffeine after 3 p.m., including Trader Joe's Coffee Blast Ice Cream, which tended to disrupt my sleep.

Drink water early. I drink three to six liters of water daily. If I drink too much after 3 pm, I will have to use the bathroom in the night, sometimes twice. Once awake, it's hard to fall asleep.

Earplugs and eye mask. Fighting cats, revving engines, and my partner's snoring have woken me from a deep slumber, so I never sleep without earplugs. On nights when I go to bed late, I wear an eye mask so the sun doesn't wake me up early.

Minimize screen time before bed. We all know this by now.

Smarter to-do list. I use Things 3 for my to-dos and used to keep all tasks in one list. Unfinished tasks would roll over from one day to the next. By the end of the week, my list would be ridiculously long. I also used to dump tasks like washing the car on weekends. But when the weekend came, inevitably, I would have other, more urgent tasks, which prevented me from getting to the "nice to haves." Today, I keep all non-urgent tasks in a "Someday" folder, including any unfinished tasks from the day. Being more thoughtful about to-dos helps keep anxiety in check.

Meditate more. Meditation helps protect my mind from negativity and life's daily stressors. Lately, I've been meditating longer, and my mind is calmer, more centered, grounded and less likely to become agitated.

Meditation retreat. I hadn't been on retreat for seven years, and daily meditation wasn't enough. My recent retreat was like a deep cleansing of my mind, similar to defragging a hard drive. Afterward, my mind felt clearer, more ordered, and more spacious.

Essentials only. Earlier this year, I was doing too much and felt overwhelmed, my head barely above water. So, I pared back all activities, projects and meetings to the essentials. My writing has improved, and I'm enjoying writing and engaging online more than ever.

With the extra time, I have been walking 1-2x daily and exercising in the garage six days a week after hurting my shoulder last year. Both have aided my sleep.

On nights when I lie awake, I breathe, notice my thoughts, and intentionally relax. I've discovered that the fastest way to fall back to sleep is to lie on my stomach or sleep touching my partner.

May you sleep soundly every night. If not, I hope my story and lessons help you sleep better and wake up refreshed and happy to be alive.

Keep sleeping,

Ryan

Thanks for walking this path with me—see you next Wednesday.

Kinako likes lying in the dirt in an old wine barrel.