This was the first thing I learned on my healing journey—accepting difficult emotions as they are, without labeling them as negative or problematic. It’s been so liberating.
I admire how you’re creating space for your kids to talk about their emotions. It’s heartwarming and inspiring. I loved reading this.
And for your question, while I've been inspired by ancient teachings, my journey has been more about connecting with universal truths in everyday experiences.
Those dogs are begging me to snuggle with them. Just saying.
Great piece, Ryan. As always.
We get this all confused with a sense of ownership of the emotions that rise and fall. Never mind the multiplicity of problems with that claim—starting with “Who is this ‘me’ that owns them?”—those emotions are on their own private trajectory.
You would enjoy snuggling with them. I do with both whenever their caregivers drop them off.
You nailed the core issue of a "sense of ownership." If not for taking them personally, they wouldn't be so difficult. Unfortunately, I insert "me" in almost every situation.
I have learned much in the acceptance of the ‘difficult’ emotions, more than I could if just didn’t explore them. Stepping back and truly feeling the emotion is powerful. Sometimes we aren’t sure where it comes from or relates too, but to invite a deeper look almost always offers wisdom.
Love that you allow your kids space to blossom in their feelings, even if at the time it appears they do not want to. ❤️
You understand the wisdom that comes from exploring and feeling your emotions. From your writing, I can tell how much wisdom you've realized on your path.
I appreciate your supportive words and love how you capture this: "space to blossom in their feelings."
Compartmentalization and pulling yourself up by your bootstraps are perhaps two of the dumbest, most non-sensical, hyper-masculine constructs that are mere bandaids to much larger underlying issues. Some men may be able to coast through life with a bandaid, changing it after days or weeks of wear and tear.
I can’t do that, and I think men must be allowed to air emotions with the same intensity and frequency that would be expected from a normal human under duress. Thank you for addressing this topic; I hope more men (and women) will be inspired by its wisdom. Read and write on!
I don't know how you do it, Gilbert. You managed to inspire, inform, encourage and make me laugh all in one comment. Pure genius and hysterical, my friend. I especially liked "non-sensical, hypermasculine" and "air emotions with the same intensity and frequency that would be expected from a normal human under duress." I agree with all you wrote.
Thank you, Ryan, for such a beautiful and thought-provoking piece. I’ve been on a similar journey of learning to accept my own difficult emotions, and it’s been liberating to understand that they aren’t inherently bad or something to hide. I especially resonate with your approach to parenting, allowing your kids to feel their emotions without fear of judgment. It's such an important lesson, and I hope to create that same safe space for my own children one day. Your words are a reminder that embracing our emotions, all of them, is what makes us whole. Keep normalizing feelings!
Book: Feelings Buried Alive Never Die by Karol Truman. The title says it all, in agreement with what you've shared here. This was one of the first books I read that put me on the path of healing, resolving the emotions that had been previously stuffed down. Those buried emotions cause all manner of physical disease!! That was 15 years ago for me, and I'm so thankful for having learned the value of expressing emotions as they come!!
What a great book to read early in your healing. Feeling and expressing emotions is one of the most vital practices I know. I'm sure your body appreciates it. :)
what a reply: "I know you are okay, I just want to hear more about it." I really, really love this response. What a beautiful interaction. Thank you for doing the invisible work of helping to normalize emotions for children. We ALL benefit from this work. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you!
The whole first half of reading this I heard the question "what's wrong?" going through my head. How many times in my life has someone asked me "what's wrong?" when I am feeling complicated or difficult emotions? Why are not-pleasant emotions considered wrong?
I'd like to change that. Instead of asking someone "what's wrong?" let's ask "what are you feeling right now?" and let them express, openly and honestly.
that said, can we also start saying what we are FEELING rather than what we ARE? For example, instead of saying "I'm angry"...let's say "I'm feeling angry right now." That little bit of distance helps you to move through the feelings rather than own them. I mean that about pleasant emotions too. "I'm feeling JOY right now." It gives the emotions their own energy.
Oh, yes, the dreaded "What's wrong?" question as if to imply, "What's wrong with you?" I like "What are you feeling right now?" It's a more helpful question.
Terrific suggestion. Anger is present. Joy is present. It has more space, is less personal, and is more accurate.
This is nicely put Ryan. Difficult emotions are ... well... difficult. We often look to shut them down in others instead of acknowledge. The best thing is to sit with a child in their tough emotions, wonder about them and don't judge. Enjoyed this and just subscribed for more. I will share a link to this piece in my Sunday newsletter round up.
I love that quote - it captures this dynamic well. Nicole LePera similarly points to these truths from the perspective of the dysregulated nervous system. Thank you for sharing this with us.
Thank you for this, Ryan! One of the reasons I went sober was to completely feel my emotions vs run away from them. I agree that it is important to feel all of it whether they’re “positive” or “negative” (better not to label, of course) but also not necessarily have to address them immediately if we need the time to understand them. I’m glad you’re encouraging your stepchildren to talk about their feelings and giving them the space to do so.
I admire you for your awareness to go sober, Dana. You know how much richer life is when you're present and able to feel all emotions, pleasant and unpleasant.
Thank you for your supportive words. They feel good and mean a lot to me.
This was the first thing I learned on my healing journey—accepting difficult emotions as they are, without labeling them as negative or problematic. It’s been so liberating.
I admire how you’re creating space for your kids to talk about their emotions. It’s heartwarming and inspiring. I loved reading this.
I love hearing this, Akanksha. It sounds like your first spiritual port of call was an ancient wisdom tradition?
I so appreciate your encouraging words and that this was enjoyable to read. My kids and I still have much growing to do. We'll never be bored. 😂
Haha, I'm sure!
And for your question, while I've been inspired by ancient teachings, my journey has been more about connecting with universal truths in everyday experiences.
I can tell. Otherwise, you wouldn't have so many insights. :o)
Those dogs are begging me to snuggle with them. Just saying.
Great piece, Ryan. As always.
We get this all confused with a sense of ownership of the emotions that rise and fall. Never mind the multiplicity of problems with that claim—starting with “Who is this ‘me’ that owns them?”—those emotions are on their own private trajectory.
You would enjoy snuggling with them. I do with both whenever their caregivers drop them off.
You nailed the core issue of a "sense of ownership." If not for taking them personally, they wouldn't be so difficult. Unfortunately, I insert "me" in almost every situation.
I appreciate you reading and commenting, Damon.
"I know you're okay... I just want to hear more about it." So beautiful. Thanks for this one.
You don't know how good it feels to read your words, Justin. Thank you for reading and sharing what stood out for you.
I have learned much in the acceptance of the ‘difficult’ emotions, more than I could if just didn’t explore them. Stepping back and truly feeling the emotion is powerful. Sometimes we aren’t sure where it comes from or relates too, but to invite a deeper look almost always offers wisdom.
Love that you allow your kids space to blossom in their feelings, even if at the time it appears they do not want to. ❤️
You understand the wisdom that comes from exploring and feeling your emotions. From your writing, I can tell how much wisdom you've realized on your path.
I appreciate your supportive words and love how you capture this: "space to blossom in their feelings."
Thank you. I see the same in your words. Blossoming is what we do best when we are allowed to feel all the feels. ❤️
Compartmentalization and pulling yourself up by your bootstraps are perhaps two of the dumbest, most non-sensical, hyper-masculine constructs that are mere bandaids to much larger underlying issues. Some men may be able to coast through life with a bandaid, changing it after days or weeks of wear and tear.
I can’t do that, and I think men must be allowed to air emotions with the same intensity and frequency that would be expected from a normal human under duress. Thank you for addressing this topic; I hope more men (and women) will be inspired by its wisdom. Read and write on!
I don't know how you do it, Gilbert. You managed to inspire, inform, encourage and make me laugh all in one comment. Pure genius and hysterical, my friend. I especially liked "non-sensical, hypermasculine" and "air emotions with the same intensity and frequency that would be expected from a normal human under duress." I agree with all you wrote.
Thx 👍👍
Thanks for reading and commenting, Mr. Ma. :)
This hit.
I’ve been unlearning the habit of smiling through everything.
Sometimes the noise in our heads is just truth we never said out loud.
Those are wise realizations, Cole. Thank you for taking the time to share this.
Wonderful. Social science researcher Karla McLaren names this "unvalencing emotions" and describes it as the first step toward "emotional genius".
Thank you, Ryan, for such a beautiful and thought-provoking piece. I’ve been on a similar journey of learning to accept my own difficult emotions, and it’s been liberating to understand that they aren’t inherently bad or something to hide. I especially resonate with your approach to parenting, allowing your kids to feel their emotions without fear of judgment. It's such an important lesson, and I hope to create that same safe space for my own children one day. Your words are a reminder that embracing our emotions, all of them, is what makes us whole. Keep normalizing feelings!
Exactly! Thanks for your thoughtful comment. 🙏🏻
Book: Feelings Buried Alive Never Die by Karol Truman. The title says it all, in agreement with what you've shared here. This was one of the first books I read that put me on the path of healing, resolving the emotions that had been previously stuffed down. Those buried emotions cause all manner of physical disease!! That was 15 years ago for me, and I'm so thankful for having learned the value of expressing emotions as they come!!
What a great book to read early in your healing. Feeling and expressing emotions is one of the most vital practices I know. I'm sure your body appreciates it. :)
what a reply: "I know you are okay, I just want to hear more about it." I really, really love this response. What a beautiful interaction. Thank you for doing the invisible work of helping to normalize emotions for children. We ALL benefit from this work. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you!
The whole first half of reading this I heard the question "what's wrong?" going through my head. How many times in my life has someone asked me "what's wrong?" when I am feeling complicated or difficult emotions? Why are not-pleasant emotions considered wrong?
I'd like to change that. Instead of asking someone "what's wrong?" let's ask "what are you feeling right now?" and let them express, openly and honestly.
that said, can we also start saying what we are FEELING rather than what we ARE? For example, instead of saying "I'm angry"...let's say "I'm feeling angry right now." That little bit of distance helps you to move through the feelings rather than own them. I mean that about pleasant emotions too. "I'm feeling JOY right now." It gives the emotions their own energy.
there's power in that.
great piece Ryan. I love this.
Oh, yes, the dreaded "What's wrong?" question as if to imply, "What's wrong with you?" I like "What are you feeling right now?" It's a more helpful question.
Terrific suggestion. Anger is present. Joy is present. It has more space, is less personal, and is more accurate.
Great comment, Teri. Thanks.
This is nicely put Ryan. Difficult emotions are ... well... difficult. We often look to shut them down in others instead of acknowledge. The best thing is to sit with a child in their tough emotions, wonder about them and don't judge. Enjoyed this and just subscribed for more. I will share a link to this piece in my Sunday newsletter round up.
Oh, wow, I’m excited and honored that you subscribed, JFT. And I’m thrilled to be mentioned in your upcoming Sunday newsletter roundup.
It may surprise you that I felt uncertain and dissatisfied with this essay after publishing it. 😅
Irony😀
Brings to mind a quote from Mark Nepo.....
"We are so unused to emotion that we mistake any depth of feeling for sadness,
any sense of the unknown for fear,
and any sense of peace for boredom"
I love that quote - it captures this dynamic well. Nicole LePera similarly points to these truths from the perspective of the dysregulated nervous system. Thank you for sharing this with us.
Beautiful post Ryan and an important one! ✨
Thank you, Hege. I agree. Emotional work continues to be one of the most beneficial practices.
Thank you for this, Ryan! One of the reasons I went sober was to completely feel my emotions vs run away from them. I agree that it is important to feel all of it whether they’re “positive” or “negative” (better not to label, of course) but also not necessarily have to address them immediately if we need the time to understand them. I’m glad you’re encouraging your stepchildren to talk about their feelings and giving them the space to do so.
I admire you for your awareness to go sober, Dana. You know how much richer life is when you're present and able to feel all emotions, pleasant and unpleasant.
Thank you for your supportive words. They feel good and mean a lot to me.
P.S. Love the Larry David reference!
Ha! Glad you appreciated it. I hoped someone would.