Let's Normalize Difficult Emotions
A call to stop rejecting and start welcoming all emotions
Dear Friend,
“Preston seems sad," I whispered to my partner as my stepson stepped out of the garage onto the driveway on his way to school.
“No, he’s okay," she said.
“I didn’t say he’s not okay. I said he looks sad,” I replied.
I asked Preston about the sadness he occasionally felt over dinner the night before. “There’s nothing wrong with me," he replied. "I didn't say anything was wrong with you or that you needed to change. I just wanted to hear more."
Isn't it strange that difficult emotions imply we are not okay or that something is wrong? Well, it's not that strange. After all, children tend to learn early in their families of origin that their complicated emotions are not welcomed.
The few times I blurted out my feelings as a teen, my mom looked pained and said, "No, Ryan, that's not right." My emotions felt authentic, but my older and supposedly wiser mom told me they were wrong. So, what did I do with them? I began burying them alive, never mentioning my emotions again.
Even Google uses the word "negative" to describe emotions. A search for "We should normalize painful feelings" on the Internet returns the following: "Experiencing negative emotions like sadness, anger, grief, or fear is a normal part of human life." (I added the italics for emphasis).
When I joined the workforce, my colleagues talked about the importance of "compartmentalizing" (now, there's a word) and "leaving my emotions at home." Unfortunately, I was too stubborn or immature to subordinate my emotions to my career. Anyhow, how was I supposed to leave something that is a part of me at home? Since then, I've learned to share as needed.
The most healing experience of my life was joining a local spiritual community and realizing I wasn't alone in my post-divorce feelings of anger, sadness, confusion and disorientation. There, my feelings were openly welcomed and appreciated. It's as if I was told, "Bring your whole self, including and perhaps especially the messy parts."
When we share our feelings, our sincerity is often met with sarcasm or outright rejection: "You're so negative," "You're too sensitive," or "Well, aren't you a Debbie Downer?" And my personal favorite? "Tell me how you really feel."
Is it surprising that when someone asks us what we think of a popular movie or restaurant, we feel compelled to say something positive? "Yeah, it was great," we can find ourselves saying, even if we thought it was meh.
When Larry David of Curb Your Enthusiasm is asked the same question, he answers honestly: "Enh, it was pretty, pretty, pretty good." Unlike most of us, he says what he feels, not what others expect of him.
At best, we keep our emotions to ourselves. At worst, we tend to suppress them. We push them away because society, like our early caregivers, doesn't want them.
However, unpleasant feelings are part of the human experience and are inevitable. When we reject them, we reject ourselves. To deny feelings is to deny life, and we suffer. However, when we allow and feel them, they enrich our lives as they pass through us.
Anyway, we can't get rid of our emotions any more than we can pull ourselves up by our bootstraps.
As my stepdaughter and I waited in the darkness for her bus back to school one recent morning, I said, "You mentioned feeling alone at school sometimes." "No, it's okay; I'm fine," she replied. "I know you're okay, even when you feel alone. I just want to hear more about it."
As a parent, I can let my kids know their complicated feelings are welcome and encourage them to talk about them. And someday, when I ask, they might not feel defensive or worry that I'm worrying about them.
Keep normalizing feelings,
Ryan
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This was the first thing I learned on my healing journey—accepting difficult emotions as they are, without labeling them as negative or problematic. It’s been so liberating.
I admire how you’re creating space for your kids to talk about their emotions. It’s heartwarming and inspiring. I loved reading this.
Those dogs are begging me to snuggle with them. Just saying.
Great piece, Ryan. As always.
We get this all confused with a sense of ownership of the emotions that rise and fall. Never mind the multiplicity of problems with that claim—starting with “Who is this ‘me’ that owns them?”—those emotions are on their own private trajectory.