When I quit the booze and blow, I assumed my marriage would struggle. I feared it wouldn’t survive. Many didn’t when one partner sobered up.
What I didn’t expect is that my wife, absent her party pal, would lose interest in the party scene in time. Eventually, she lose interest in the party favors too.
When she accompanied me to my second ten day silent retreat, I knew for sure something had shifted. When she gave up even having one glass of wine with dinner because it wasn’t worth the penalty, I also knew.
We started by playing together, but that’s not what endured. It’s been, in large part, her loyalty to the relationship. She also taught me loyalty by modeling it.
We used to bicker and fight when we’d party. Now we talk about things. All the things. Lack of candor would now be an act of betrayal.
But please let me knock on wood. I don’t profess to be the expert. Relationships list and capsize in unforeseen storms all the time. I never want to forget that everything changes. All that has the power arise will pass away, and I don’t know what’s wise to hope for in that regard. Mutual death in an accident? Oof.
When we first met we spoke often about forever. We even still have a magnet that says “forever.” It makes us smile now. We try not to talk about unrealistic concepts these days, but we do appreciate that there’s a poetic sweetness to their intentions.
It's heartening to learn that your partnership has and continues to weather the challenges with ongoing awareness, openness, intention, loyalty and more. Would you say the key is that you both chose and continue to do the work?
I relate to "not worth the penalty" and am delighted that my partner has had several of these realizations with increasing frequency - caffeine being the latest.
I, too, live with the awareness that it could all end at any moment. And I second Kert's sentiment about "poetic sweetness."
Your thoughtful shares reflect your depth of awareness and wisdom, which I greatly appreciate. 😊
I suppose we do both continue to do the work, but it’s not with some kind of grand plan or deep understanding of how relationships work best. It’s just how we’re both wired.
This, itself, was a beautiful share Damon. One suspects you need no wood to knock on—one suspects you both have intuitively discovered the “poetic sweetness of forever.” (What a beautiful phrasing!)
I agree Ryan. This is an Important lesson. When you're married you're still both growing as individuals and you have to support each others growth, even if that means you grow in different directions. I think a lot of young couples think if they try and "keep it fun" it will be enough. It's how you both come together in the hard times.
My wife and I really don't have much in common haha but our strongest bond is our shared humour and willing to listen to eachother and support one another.
I like to think of relationships as "conditional love" rather than the unconditional type you have with no your kids. There are conditions. You must work together!
That's funny you don't have much in common. And I can see how humor and a willingness to listen and support each other are more important.
"Conditional love" is an exciting and practical concept. In an ideal world, we'd all be unconditionally loving all the time. But in the demands of everyday life, most of us will have unspoken conditions placed on our relationships. If you haven't already, consider expanding on this in a newsletter.
"The truth is that people who heal and grow together stay together. Couples willing to look inward, confront their weaknesses, and face life’s challenges together develop a deeper, more intimate, and lasting connection.". - this 100% !
Thanks for the wonderful article. My view is that you rode the highs and refused to dive into the depths of the friendship. You forgot about the very foundation of the highs, the roots of the tree and they slowly died and killed the tree.
Thank you for your kind words. That may be true. I tried to connect with my partner, but she was intractably stoic. Unfortunately, I didn't have the skill, emotional maturity, or depth of awareness to work through our respective limitations. And neither of us had really healed our shame, which kept us stuck. Thank you for reading and commenting.
So sorry she was like that. She was not available for connection. She needed to heal but she wasn't ready to face that reality and work on it. I think she used the fun as an escape.
Such a powerful reflection, Ryan. I love the way you highlight that growth and healing are what truly sustain a relationship—not just play. It resonates deeply with me, as I've also found that growth is what strengthens the foundation of a partnership, especially when life throws challenges your way. Play is important, but it's the ability to confront and work through pain and vulnerability together that truly keeps things alive. Thank you for sharing such a personal and insightful perspective!
I appreciate your kindness, Grace. Finding someone to share life with is the easy part, isn't it? The hard part is finding someone willing to grow with us.
Ryann... Perfect for me and tree. We do everything toigether....but need to TALK more during runs about US.... not just world stuff etc... it is a goosd tiem to do that during a walk or run. Be well.
I agree wholeheartedly, Craig. As a friend says, "Talking about what's not in the room is a way to avoid intimacy." Talking while you're running and in your body sounds like a great time to talk...unless you're out of breath like me.
I resonate with everything you said! For a long time, I believed that date nights, vacations, and weekend getaways were the key to fulfilling relationship.
But over the past two years, I've had a huge realisation: a healthy and intimate connection is built on our commitment to doing the inner work.
It’s about having those difficult conversations, unlearning toxic conditioning, and creating a space of safety and trust as we work through our unhealthy patterns. Thank you for sharing your experiences. It's reassuring to know that I'm on the right path to understanding true companionship.
Your comment demonstrates that you've learned much and are on the right path. It reminds me of a wise female therapist who insisted on the importance of date nights. However, as you say, such things come only in addition to a foundation of "doing the inner work."
Ryan, your essay really hit home for me. It's so easy to get caught up in the "fun" and forget about the deeper work that needs to be done in a relationship.
Now I'm on the other side of a divorce. I'm glad, yes. But still processing the learning, and this definitely rings true.
Facing and doing the more profound relational work is challenging, isn’t it, Alexander? I’m sorry about your divorce, yet I’m glad you’re doing better now and seeing what you didn’t see before. So, so many divorces.
This is a thoughtful reminder that fun isn’t enough to keep a relationship strong. Couples need to heal, grow, and talk openly. True connection comes from facing challenges together, not just having good times. Thanks, Ryan.
Could not agree more to all of this. I often crave more play together in my partnership bc well it’s fun. But more importantly, I know my hubby & I are shared in mutual values, and dedicated to a path of growth and healing individually & together, which is what has helped us get through the hardest first 2 years of marriage, including the loss of of our stillborn son in March. Those who grow together, stay together. 🙏
Oh, boy, I'm so sorry for your loss, Danica. I'm sure no words can describe how painful and challenging that must have been for you and your marriage. And yet, here you are. I'm happy for you and grateful you shared this. ☺️ Hopefully, you will get more play time together!
Thx Ryan! Appreciate your kind words. 12 weeks pregnant with our rainbow baby & I know this baby will bring us a lot of joy & fun as we get to raise a little human & show them the world! 🌈
This is a wonderful article. Thank you for writing and sharing it. The sentence below articulates what I've been thinking but hadn't been able to put into words.
"But here’s the thing: healing and growth were missing behind all the play and adventure. Over time, I realized that people who heal and grow together—not just play together—are the ones who stay together."
When I quit the booze and blow, I assumed my marriage would struggle. I feared it wouldn’t survive. Many didn’t when one partner sobered up.
What I didn’t expect is that my wife, absent her party pal, would lose interest in the party scene in time. Eventually, she lose interest in the party favors too.
When she accompanied me to my second ten day silent retreat, I knew for sure something had shifted. When she gave up even having one glass of wine with dinner because it wasn’t worth the penalty, I also knew.
We started by playing together, but that’s not what endured. It’s been, in large part, her loyalty to the relationship. She also taught me loyalty by modeling it.
We used to bicker and fight when we’d party. Now we talk about things. All the things. Lack of candor would now be an act of betrayal.
But please let me knock on wood. I don’t profess to be the expert. Relationships list and capsize in unforeseen storms all the time. I never want to forget that everything changes. All that has the power arise will pass away, and I don’t know what’s wise to hope for in that regard. Mutual death in an accident? Oof.
When we first met we spoke often about forever. We even still have a magnet that says “forever.” It makes us smile now. We try not to talk about unrealistic concepts these days, but we do appreciate that there’s a poetic sweetness to their intentions.
Thanks for the share, Ryan.
It's heartening to learn that your partnership has and continues to weather the challenges with ongoing awareness, openness, intention, loyalty and more. Would you say the key is that you both chose and continue to do the work?
I relate to "not worth the penalty" and am delighted that my partner has had several of these realizations with increasing frequency - caffeine being the latest.
I, too, live with the awareness that it could all end at any moment. And I second Kert's sentiment about "poetic sweetness."
Your thoughtful shares reflect your depth of awareness and wisdom, which I greatly appreciate. 😊
I suppose we do both continue to do the work, but it’s not with some kind of grand plan or deep understanding of how relationships work best. It’s just how we’re both wired.
This, itself, was a beautiful share Damon. One suspects you need no wood to knock on—one suspects you both have intuitively discovered the “poetic sweetness of forever.” (What a beautiful phrasing!)
So kind, Kert. Thank you.
Man, I hope you’re right. I just never want to take any moment for granted.
I agree Ryan. This is an Important lesson. When you're married you're still both growing as individuals and you have to support each others growth, even if that means you grow in different directions. I think a lot of young couples think if they try and "keep it fun" it will be enough. It's how you both come together in the hard times.
My wife and I really don't have much in common haha but our strongest bond is our shared humour and willing to listen to eachother and support one another.
I like to think of relationships as "conditional love" rather than the unconditional type you have with no your kids. There are conditions. You must work together!
That's funny you don't have much in common. And I can see how humor and a willingness to listen and support each other are more important.
"Conditional love" is an exciting and practical concept. In an ideal world, we'd all be unconditionally loving all the time. But in the demands of everyday life, most of us will have unspoken conditions placed on our relationships. If you haven't already, consider expanding on this in a newsletter.
"The truth is that people who heal and grow together stay together. Couples willing to look inward, confront their weaknesses, and face life’s challenges together develop a deeper, more intimate, and lasting connection.". - this 100% !
It feels good to learn that something I wrote landed. I'm only now seeing the extent of this truth.
Good 🌹🌻🌸💐💚💛💜❤️🌼😍🥰
Thanks for your kindness. 🙏
Thanks for the wonderful article. My view is that you rode the highs and refused to dive into the depths of the friendship. You forgot about the very foundation of the highs, the roots of the tree and they slowly died and killed the tree.
Thank you for your kind words. That may be true. I tried to connect with my partner, but she was intractably stoic. Unfortunately, I didn't have the skill, emotional maturity, or depth of awareness to work through our respective limitations. And neither of us had really healed our shame, which kept us stuck. Thank you for reading and commenting.
So sorry she was like that. She was not available for connection. She needed to heal but she wasn't ready to face that reality and work on it. I think she used the fun as an escape.
Anyway, I am glad you are in a better place now.
You're wise and perceptive, and I agree with you. Of course, I take responsibility for my part. I appreciate your kindness. ☺️
Such a powerful reflection, Ryan. I love the way you highlight that growth and healing are what truly sustain a relationship—not just play. It resonates deeply with me, as I've also found that growth is what strengthens the foundation of a partnership, especially when life throws challenges your way. Play is important, but it's the ability to confront and work through pain and vulnerability together that truly keeps things alive. Thank you for sharing such a personal and insightful perspective!
It feels good to hear this message resonated, Anton. Thank you for letting me know, and all the best with your relationships.
Great post Ryan. So happy you found someone to share life and grow with. 🩵
I appreciate your kindness, Grace. Finding someone to share life with is the easy part, isn't it? The hard part is finding someone willing to grow with us.
Yes, so true.
Ryann... Perfect for me and tree. We do everything toigether....but need to TALK more during runs about US.... not just world stuff etc... it is a goosd tiem to do that during a walk or run. Be well.
I agree wholeheartedly, Craig. As a friend says, "Talking about what's not in the room is a way to avoid intimacy." Talking while you're running and in your body sounds like a great time to talk...unless you're out of breath like me.
I resonate with everything you said! For a long time, I believed that date nights, vacations, and weekend getaways were the key to fulfilling relationship.
But over the past two years, I've had a huge realisation: a healthy and intimate connection is built on our commitment to doing the inner work.
It’s about having those difficult conversations, unlearning toxic conditioning, and creating a space of safety and trust as we work through our unhealthy patterns. Thank you for sharing your experiences. It's reassuring to know that I'm on the right path to understanding true companionship.
Your comment demonstrates that you've learned much and are on the right path. It reminds me of a wise female therapist who insisted on the importance of date nights. However, as you say, such things come only in addition to a foundation of "doing the inner work."
Ryan, I appreciate your vulnerability with this essay. Your point regarding the "covering up" is one that should not be missed.
My partner and I have grown as we've started to be more candid about how we're feeling, and we're starting to feel less alone in our relationship.
It can be difficult, but it sure beats holding tension.
Good awareness, courage and growth, Jimmy. You're right, it does beat holding tension, as scary as it may be. Thank you for your caring words. ☺️
Ryan, your essay really hit home for me. It's so easy to get caught up in the "fun" and forget about the deeper work that needs to be done in a relationship.
Now I'm on the other side of a divorce. I'm glad, yes. But still processing the learning, and this definitely rings true.
Facing and doing the more profound relational work is challenging, isn’t it, Alexander? I’m sorry about your divorce, yet I’m glad you’re doing better now and seeing what you didn’t see before. So, so many divorces.
I appreciate your reading and commenting.
Lessons learned from the past become the blessings of the now. Thank you for sharing your learned wisdom!
I like the way you captured this truth. Your kindness and hard-earned wisdom are shown in your comments, Nancy. Thank you. 🙏💛
This is a thoughtful reminder that fun isn’t enough to keep a relationship strong. Couples need to heal, grow, and talk openly. True connection comes from facing challenges together, not just having good times. Thanks, Ryan.
You nailed it: "...not just having good times." Thank you for reading and commenting, Tinashe. 🙏☺️
Your honesty enriches other lives my friend. Thank you once again for being a model of how courageous vulnerability leads toward embodied healing.
Could not agree more to all of this. I often crave more play together in my partnership bc well it’s fun. But more importantly, I know my hubby & I are shared in mutual values, and dedicated to a path of growth and healing individually & together, which is what has helped us get through the hardest first 2 years of marriage, including the loss of of our stillborn son in March. Those who grow together, stay together. 🙏
Oh, boy, I'm so sorry for your loss, Danica. I'm sure no words can describe how painful and challenging that must have been for you and your marriage. And yet, here you are. I'm happy for you and grateful you shared this. ☺️ Hopefully, you will get more play time together!
Thx Ryan! Appreciate your kind words. 12 weeks pregnant with our rainbow baby & I know this baby will bring us a lot of joy & fun as we get to raise a little human & show them the world! 🌈
That's brilliant. I'm excited for all three of you! :o)
This is a wonderful article. Thank you for writing and sharing it. The sentence below articulates what I've been thinking but hadn't been able to put into words.
"But here’s the thing: healing and growth were missing behind all the play and adventure. Over time, I realized that people who heal and grow together—not just play together—are the ones who stay together."
It feels so good to learn that this helped put what you already intuitively understood to be true into words. Thank you, Ellen. 🙏☺️