When I was overweight, I would always feel hurt by the fat comments.
But then one day I realised, if I was 7 feet tall and someone tried teasing me for being short, it'd be like water off a duck's back.
So then it wasn't the insult that hurt, it was that I believed it to be true!
And from that moment on, I stopped hating people for exposing insecurities of mine and began to internally thank them. Because they showed me what I needed to work on - within.
Well-written article, and I loved the story about your stepdaughter! Some things are just meant for mum it seems haha!
Fascinating thoughts. I suspect we are very similar in understanding how anger arises and how to respond to it. I recently wrote a chapter for my couples communication book (in progress) about anger. (It’s over on my Substack) My words are slightly different around how I explain it, in that I have people reflect on what they believe the event or situation means in order to understand what is pushing behind the anger. For example you having anger in response to your step daughter’s privacy choices, could be driven by imagining that if she didn’t want to talk with you about it, that you were a bad parent. If you evaluate whether or not that is what it truly means, and choose no, it’s doesn’t mean that, then the anger dissipates. I like adding attachment theory to this as well. And I agree that it is letting go of that belief / attachment that melts away anger.
I love this, Teyani. Your reflection on the interpretation of the meaning is vital to understanding what is giving rise to the anger. Only with this awareness can we let go. Thank you for sharing this, and I'm excited for you for your book! Keep writing. :o)
I like the link between anger and attachment. Reminds me of the distinction between dirty and clean anger. I see these overlapping - dirty anger arises from attachment. As a result it comes with entitlement and blame - I am angry because I feel I am made a victim and lose something I am attached/entitled to from your actions. As I release my entitlement and attachment, I usually find grief - grieving the loss of that which I am attached to. Clean anger comes without attachment - it's a flash, a moment of insight that what's happening isn't in service of me or my people, and can be shared from a place of empowerment and insight, instead of righteousness and blame.
I love your distinction and the words you use to differentiate the types of anger--clean vs dirty. This makes it so vivid. Clean anger has taken me a lifetime to feel, and I love it when it shows up. It's pure without the complexity, confusion or drama of dirty anger. Please write about this if you haven't already.
Thank you for another excellent piece. This was a timely and valuable reminder for me as I had a very challenging work conversation today that sometimes left me furious. On reflection, I can see how my ego and pride fed my anger magnified by having my co-worker not listen to what I was explaining. It was clear in our exchange he had his viewpoint, and nothing I could add mattered. I have been working on "letting go," and being present in the moment, so I don't have any apologies or amends to make, but it left me frustrated all the same.
I love that you shared your story from the same day. Difficult conversations at work can be very challenging. They trigger a deep insecurity in me of being fired or let go and losing my livelihood. You speak to the freedom available to us. How do we learn to stay centered when confronted with powerful feelings? Appreciate your share here.
I appreciate your honesty here, Eren. Fat comments sounds like it was painful. Skinny comments were for me. I love your insight and analogy. So you were free and empowered after that. I’m glad you liked the story, and I think you’re right! :)
When I was overweight, I would always feel hurt by the fat comments.
But then one day I realised, if I was 7 feet tall and someone tried teasing me for being short, it'd be like water off a duck's back.
So then it wasn't the insult that hurt, it was that I believed it to be true!
And from that moment on, I stopped hating people for exposing insecurities of mine and began to internally thank them. Because they showed me what I needed to work on - within.
Well-written article, and I loved the story about your stepdaughter! Some things are just meant for mum it seems haha!
Fascinating thoughts. I suspect we are very similar in understanding how anger arises and how to respond to it. I recently wrote a chapter for my couples communication book (in progress) about anger. (It’s over on my Substack) My words are slightly different around how I explain it, in that I have people reflect on what they believe the event or situation means in order to understand what is pushing behind the anger. For example you having anger in response to your step daughter’s privacy choices, could be driven by imagining that if she didn’t want to talk with you about it, that you were a bad parent. If you evaluate whether or not that is what it truly means, and choose no, it’s doesn’t mean that, then the anger dissipates. I like adding attachment theory to this as well. And I agree that it is letting go of that belief / attachment that melts away anger.
I love this, Teyani. Your reflection on the interpretation of the meaning is vital to understanding what is giving rise to the anger. Only with this awareness can we let go. Thank you for sharing this, and I'm excited for you for your book! Keep writing. :o)
Thank you Ryan for your kind reply.
I like the link between anger and attachment. Reminds me of the distinction between dirty and clean anger. I see these overlapping - dirty anger arises from attachment. As a result it comes with entitlement and blame - I am angry because I feel I am made a victim and lose something I am attached/entitled to from your actions. As I release my entitlement and attachment, I usually find grief - grieving the loss of that which I am attached to. Clean anger comes without attachment - it's a flash, a moment of insight that what's happening isn't in service of me or my people, and can be shared from a place of empowerment and insight, instead of righteousness and blame.
I love your distinction and the words you use to differentiate the types of anger--clean vs dirty. This makes it so vivid. Clean anger has taken me a lifetime to feel, and I love it when it shows up. It's pure without the complexity, confusion or drama of dirty anger. Please write about this if you haven't already.
Queued up an article - will let the muse guide me from here :)
the strength of your anger reveals the degree of your attachment 🔥
This resonates because you see it in your own life. Thanks, Paolo.
Thank you for another excellent piece. This was a timely and valuable reminder for me as I had a very challenging work conversation today that sometimes left me furious. On reflection, I can see how my ego and pride fed my anger magnified by having my co-worker not listen to what I was explaining. It was clear in our exchange he had his viewpoint, and nothing I could add mattered. I have been working on "letting go," and being present in the moment, so I don't have any apologies or amends to make, but it left me frustrated all the same.
I love that you shared your story from the same day. Difficult conversations at work can be very challenging. They trigger a deep insecurity in me of being fired or let go and losing my livelihood. You speak to the freedom available to us. How do we learn to stay centered when confronted with powerful feelings? Appreciate your share here.
I appreciate your honesty here, Eren. Fat comments sounds like it was painful. Skinny comments were for me. I love your insight and analogy. So you were free and empowered after that. I’m glad you liked the story, and I think you’re right! :)