Why the Level of Your Anger Reveals the Degree of Your Attachment

Discover the relationship between anger and attachment and learn how to let go

Welcome to another edition of Beyond Self Improvement! If you missed it, here’s last week’s article: Hyper Independence Is a Trauma Response.

Today’s essay will explore why recognizing your attachments can help you better manage anger and live more peacefully.

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Hi Friend,

Have you ever considered why some things make you angry while others roll off your back? Anger is a powerful emotion and a fascinating topic. Not a day goes by that we’re not confronted with feelings of anger or at least mild irritation, even on vacation.

Today, we’ll delve into a powerful truth: your level of anger reveals the degree of your attachment. Understanding this connection can help you better understand yourself and your emotions.

Why Do We Get Angry?

Anger is a common emotion. It’s the mind’s signaling that something in the environment is threatening. When we feel anger, it’s usually because something we are attached to is being challenged or threatened.

Think about the last time you were outraged. What was the situation? What was at stake for you?

What triggers our anger most is what we are most attached to. We can be attached to people, ideas, beliefs, possessions, our bodies, and our self-image, perhaps most of all. The tighter the grip, the greater the reaction when it’s threatened.

For example:

Personal Relationships. If your partner says, “Why are you such an idiot?” You would likely become very upset and say something nasty if you’re like most of us. In fact, the more you care about and value your partner, the angrier you will become when your relationship is at stake.

Beliefs and Ideals. When someone challenges our deeply held beliefs, we can feel intense anger because we identify with them. If you have a liberal worldview and someone says, “You liberals are all the same. You want to save the world, and you think money grows on trees,” you would likely get angry because you see your beliefs as a part of who you are.

Possessions. If something we value is lost or damaged, our reaction reflects our clinging. You will likely become angry if someone hits your Tesla while backing out of a parking garage. The more you try to hold onto your Tesla, the angrier you become.

A story about a senior meditation teacher illustrates this point. Edward Lewis helped build Spirit Rock, one of the most well-known meditation centers in the U.S. When asked to give a talk last year, he said, 'Yesterday, I broke a costly vase. In the past, I would have said, "Oh, no!" This time, I said, "Oh." It took 40 years to get there.'

Recognizing Your Attachments

Understanding what triggers our anger reveals what we are deeply wedded to. Here's how to start:

1. Inquire into your anger. The next time anger shows up, notice what is causing it. Is it a person, a situation, an idea, or something else?

2. Identify the attachment. Next, investigate why this particular thing matters so much to you. What attachment does it reveal?

3. Evaluate the attachment. Consider whether holding on serves you well. Is it healthy, or is it causing unnecessary stress and resentment?

Practical Steps to Working With Anger and Attachments

Now that you understand the link between anger and attachment, let's explore some practical steps to manage anger better.

1. Practice Mindfulness

Mindfulness is nonjudgmental awareness of present-moment experience. It helps us observe our thoughts, feelings and bodily sensations without becoming caught up. When you feel anger arising, notice any sensations associated with the anger. Ask yourself,
“What am I clinging to?”

2. Reevaluate Your Attachments

Some attachments are wholesome, such as the desire for a child's well-being. However, most are unhelpful and cause suffering—from mild to severe. If you find certain situations frequently leading to anger, it might be worth investigating further.

3. Communicate Unemotionally

When anger arises, expressing your feelings objectively can help prevent it from turning into full-blown rage. If a loved one's actions evoke anger, instead of blaming them, take ownership, using “I” statements to express how you feel, such as “I’m hurting.”

4. Develop Emotional Resilience

Cultivating emotional resilience helps you handle life's challenges without being swept away by them. The more you nurture your emotional well-being through sleep, nutrition, movement, journaling, stretching, meditation or talking to a trusted friend or therapist, the less likely you will get overwhelmed by painful emotions, including anger.

5. Letting Go

The most effective way to deal with anger is to let go. Once I see what I’m holding onto, I silently say, “Let go, let go, let go.” This doesn't mean you stop caring. Rather, you learn to let go of whatever you are clinging to that’s causing the anger. Practice acceptance with the understanding that most things are not within our control.

Real Life Example

Yesterday, my partner told me that her daughter was feeling depressed and unmotivated and that she liked someone at school but asked her not to tell me who it was. I felt hurt and defensive.

I see myself as a safe, open person my stepdaughter can talk to about anything and anyone—but in this case, apparently not everyone. My stepdaughter was concerned about feeling pressured by me about this situation. Regardless, the point is that I was clinging to my image of myself as a wise parent at that moment. Of course, I’m now laughing at my folly.

A Wiser Relationship

Recognizing that the strength of your anger reveals the degree of your attachment is a powerful insight. Understanding and letting go of clinging can help you live more peacefully.

So, the next time you feel anger bubbling up, inquire into the underlying motivation. This simple practice can help you develop a wiser relationship with anger.

Keep letting go,

Ryan

Thank you for walking beside me on the self-acceptance path and participating in the conversation. I hope this insight helps you better understand yourself and live a more fulfilling life.

My biggest passion is working 1:1 with readers like you.

Whenever you’re ready, I can help you stop battling life and start being your best friend. Schedule a free, 45-minute discovery call now.

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