5 Reasons Why I Don't Plan to Remarry
Discover the shortcomings of marriage and why a creative, dynamic and playful partnership may be a better and longer-lasting option
Welcome to another edition of Beyond Self Improvement! If you missed it, here’s last week’s article: Beware the Person Offering Simple Solutions to Complex Problems.
Today’s essay will explore some of the shortcomings of marriage.
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Dear Friend,
My partner and I? We’re not planning to get married. We’ve both been down that aisle, said the vows, and frankly, we’re not in any rush to do it again. For us, once was enough.
Background: My Only Experience of a Wedding:
Like many people, I eventually married at 36—not because I was a career hotshot but because I’m not much of a planner. I didn’t intend to get married, but when your future ex-in-laws stage an intervention, what do you do?
I’ll never forget walking through the foothills east of Albuquerque with my future ex-mother-in-law. “There’s a big difference between being in a relationship and being married,” she told me. “I don’t see them differently,” I replied, thinking I was making a solid point. But, to keep the peace, I agreed to get married.
And so we did. It was a beautiful day—sun shining, grass swaying, the Pacific Ocean doing that calming wave thing. The food was spectacular. The cake was even better. But my nervous system was overwhelmed. I froze when it was time to say my vows, and I hadn’t written them down. The celebrant frowned at me, and I couldn’t help but think, “Great, now even the woman marrying us is disappointed.” At that moment, all I wanted was a little compassion.
1. Marriage is an Industry
Before I married, my friend David warned me that marriage is an industry. I understood the words but didn’t get it until I was knee-deep in planning. Marriage is supposed to be about love, two people sharing their lives, right? But to do that, you’ve got to involve the government, which isn’t exactly known for its warmth and affection.
Governments love marriage. They want you married, indebted, and working long hours to pay off your mortgage. It keeps you busy and prevents you from throwing Molotov cocktails at politicians. And if you have kids, even better! More workers, more consumers, and a more robust economy. Capitalism can live without government, but the government sure as hell can’t live without capitalism.
2. Marriage Is Expensive—Coming and Going
Remember when you thought weddings were all about love? Yeah, me too.
Then I had to buy a wedding ring. The “rule” is to spend four months’ salary on a ring. Four months’ pay for a rock? That’s like saying, “If you really love her, you should be willing to take out a small mortgage for her finger.” I settled on $12,000 for a vintage sapphire from a jeweler in the Marina District—my ex’s favorite part of San Francisco—far less than the absurd $40,000 suggestion, but still a chunk of change.
Then came the wedding. Wedding suppliers see you coming from afar. “What’s your budget?” they ask, as in “How much do we have to work with?” We spent $12,000, a fraction of what the industry told us we should spend. The rest of the money went toward a used Volkswagen Golf, which I still drive today.
In hindsight, that “four times the monthly income” thing? Pure De Beers public relations campaign.
3. Weddings Are a Ton of Work
You think planning a party is tough? Try planning a wedding.
You’re essentially orchestrating a massive gathering where you’re the star, and the audience is filled with family and friends. You’ve got to pick a venue, send out save-the-dates, find a dress, choose flowers, arrange food… and then there’s the music, the seating arrangements, the cake. Every little detail has to be perfect. Not just perfect, but Pinterest-perfect. It’s no wonder so many couples end up hiring a wedding planner.
Thankfully, my ex-wife handled most of the logistics. My job was simple: agree with everything.
“Don’t get me wrong, the wedding ceremony is a beautiful thing. The vows, the costumes. I think the idea behind the tuxedo is the woman’s point of view that ‘Men are all the same, we might as well dress them that way.’
That’s why, to me, a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride, and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created by women, because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over, and she marries the next guy.
That’s why the wedding vow isn’t, ‘Do you take Bill Simpson?’
It’s, ‘Do you take this man?’”
— Jerry Seinfeld
4. Weddings Are a Lot of Stress
And then there’s the stress. Your wedding comes with the insane idea that it’s supposed to be the best day of your life. No pressure, right? But with so much expectation, it’s no wonder so many brides turn into infamous bridezillas. You’re not just planning a party but crafting a memory that will be immortalized on social media for all eternity.
I’ve been to weddings that ran the gamut from lasagna on paper plates at a VFW hall in Rhinelander, Wisconsin, to lavish affairs in Newport, Rhode Island, where the champagne was handpicked by a guy who knew his bubbles.
But regardless of the scale, the stress is the same. Everyone has an opinion, and heaven forbid you leave someone off the guest list. Nineteen years later, family members still hold grudges over who did or didn’t get an invite to my wedding. It’s like a high-stakes game of social chess you can’t win.
5. Marriage is About Maintaining the Continuity of the Relationship
Finally, there’s the matter of the relationship itself. After I got divorced, a friend told me the problem with marriage is that it becomes about maintaining the continuity of the relationship rather than nurturing a dynamic, creative partnership. And you know what? He was right.
Marriage has this official, serious vibe that can leave you feeling trapped.
When your marriage hits a rough patch, as it inevitably will, you start thinking about everyone you’d let down if you left. You’re not just leaving your spouse but an institution and all the societal expectations that come with it. And if you’ve been to enough weddings, like I have, you realize that those expectations are more about keeping up appearances than true happiness.
But there's a different dynamic when you’re in a committed relationship without the legal ties.
If things aren’t working out, you can leave without the added pressure of marriage and the friction of divorce proceedings. Just pack your bags and go. No lawyers, no judges, just you, your suitcase, and maybe a few sad songs on your playlist.
In a partnership, you stay together because you want to, not because you have to.
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So, those are five reasons why I don’t plan to remarry. I may be against the shortcomings of marriage, but I’m all for love, commitment and mutual respect. My intention is to create and sustain a lifelong partnership that’s alive, dynamic and playful.
Keep your relationship vibrant,
Ryan
That’s all for this week. See you next Wednesday.
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I totally agree! As with many "shoulds", including cards and flowers for random occasions, it's all industry led. Love and commitment are all that matters.
What gets me here is the "intervention" from your future ex-in-laws. YOUR truth here is that you never have bought into the institution of marriage, AND you have always been 100% committed to the spiritual partnership of a loving relationship.
Marriage as an institution isn't for everyone. if I looked at it as a government thing, I shouldn't have gotten officially married the second time. If we'd kept our legalities separate, I'd have far cheaper health insurance! However, if we'd kept our legalities and financials separate, we would also have a lot more to hassle with in terms of wills, estates, and medical health care directives down the line. I am not one to like that kind of hassle. It's just easier to say "I'm his wife." and because I have a marriage certificate, I have the rights bestowed upon me.
Weddings...now that I'm 100% in agreement with in terms of the stress and hassle. First wedding was all the traditional things with all the stress and cost...and turned out to be a big party for all our parents' friends (since they footed most of the bills).
For my second marriage, we didn't invite people. Because I am a shaman and we are both deeply spiritual, we did a series of 5 shaman rituals (one for each element: earth, water, fire, nature, mineral) over the course of a year. We figured it takes that long for deep-ritual to process and for a lifelong bond such as marriage to actually hold...especially since we both did the traditional thing the first time and that didn't work out well for either of us. The rituals were for us. About us. between us. in the presence of nature, where we could be raw, honest, and vulnerable and wildly absurd in our own true natures of ourselves.
The bottom line I see in this article is that it is so damn easy to fall prey/victim to the traditional and societal norms even when they don't feel right to you. Your choice your second time around was to choose SELF-ACCEPTANCE and do what feels right for you, not what society or future in-laws intervene to push on you. Good for you!