Productivity Is Not a Substitute for Love

How our obsession with productivity helps us feel good while neglecting our deeper needs

Welcome to another edition of Beyond Self Improvement! If you missed it, here’s last week’s article: I’m Using These 4 Simple Steps to Regulate My Emotions.

Today’s essay will explore how relentless productivity temporarily makes us good while neglecting our heart’s longing for love and belonging.

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How does it taste to substitute decaf for real love?

As early as fourth grade, productivity has been my go-to strategy for feeling good about myself.

Whenever I feel unsettled, producing is the most straightforward way to feel okay—cleaning the stove, repotting a plant, or finishing a newsletter. First, it's important to note that my desire to be productive goes beyond simply wanting to fully live this “one precious life” and express myself creatively. In reality, it’s also about my deep yearning to feel okay, prove myself worthy of love, and take up space.

For instance, when I’m tired and caught up in this narrative—especially after a poor night’s sleep or around 3 p.m.—I look to coffee¹ to give me the energy I believe I need to power me through the afternoon and into the night. (But recently, I switched from two cups a day to two cups a week.)

However, the cost is high. I become hurried, impatient, and distant from those I love. I disconnect from my body and my breath as I push myself relentlessly onward to make progress on a project or check one more thing off the list. To be clear, awareness that I may act like a selfish workaholic isn’t enough to stop me.

“Getting one more thing out of the way” feels like an addiction, a trustworthy way to give me the feel-good hit I crave.

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For context, substitutes like productivity are attractive to millions because they lift our spirits and offer a psychic reward, even if they fail to meet our hearts’ deepest longings. Therefore, when I keep myself busy with substitutes, I don’t have to experience the pain of unmet needs. Getting things done props me up and temporarily staves off my existential feelings of not being enough. Yet, underneath, my insecure self pushes me forward, fearing my life won’t work out unless I keep up with everything that needs to be done.

At this point, work is where things get tricky.

Most of us need to work for a living, and work is one of the most common proxy ways of trying to meet our needs for love and belonging. For example, many people are in jobs they hate, resent, and feel are meaningless, yet they use their careers to win praise and approval. Work gives us what we want in the form of money and status, recognition for our efforts and accomplishments, and the satisfaction of “getting things done.”

But it’s easy to become consumed by these substitutes that temporarily soothe and mask our unmet needs, overlooking that they will never truly satisfy our deeper longings.

Even when engaged in meaningful, creative, and psychologically satisfying activities, the insecure self can hijack our efforts to satisfy its unmet needs. For instance, I often see this in myself when writing tweets and newsletters on spiritual topics that have benefitted me and that I hope will help others.

When I lose sight of why I’m doing what I’m doing, I focus more on results and less on contributing to others’ lives. I can be passionate about my writing when I remember how important and meaningful the spiritual path has been. But, when I’m driven by fear, anxiety, and overwhelm, there’s little room for grace and self-compassion.

More often than I’d like to admit, I believe the voice that says I’m not enough.

Writing becomes more about making progress on projects and less about the satisfaction of helping others. When the insecure self takes over, I feel hurried and overwhelmed. When work becomes a means for proving my worth, I lose sight of my bigger purpose and anxiously strive to reap the luscious rewards of productivity.

But we can’t give ourselves wholeheartedly to anything while driven by the insecure self. That insecurity will taint every activity and relationship until the underlying fears and desires driving the insecure self are addressed. As long as we’re motivated by immediate gratification, we will feel continuously driven without regard to our deeper needs.

Therefore, no amount of productivity, consumption, or recognition can break through the story of unworthiness and meet the heart’s needs for love and belonging.

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So, finally, the more we become entangled in the superficial world of seeking substitutes, the more distant we are from ourselves and the less likely we are to look within for answers. To satisfy our hearts, we need to do the inner work, which requires sensitivity and presence.

As a next step, I invite you to pause and consider your experiences with productivity and self-worth. Like me, you may find that acknowledging your deeper needs is beneficial and essential for genuine peace and fulfillment.

Thank you for walking with me today. I hope it brings you closer to understanding and compassion for yourself and others. Until next time, may you find joy and purpose in the tasks you accomplish and the moments you live fully.

Keep looking after your deeper needs,

Ryan

Thank you for walking beside me on this path, my friend. I’m glad you’re here.

My biggest passion is working 1:1 with readers like you.

Whenever you’re ready, I can help you stop waging war with yourself and start being your best friend. Schedule a free, 45-minute discovery call now.

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1. I sometimes wonder what would happen to the U.S. economy if all the Starbucks and independent coffee shops shut down overnight. How would we do anything in the morning and soothe our nervous systems in the afternoon?