I’m Using These 4 Simple Steps to Regulate My Emotions

Learning to navigate life's storms with ease and grace

Welcome to another edition of Beyond Self Improvement! If you missed it, here’s last week’s article: Why Being Uncool Is the New Cool.

In today’s essay, we will uncover the transformative power of RAIN meditation and learn how a simple four-step process can radically change your response to difficult emotions like stress and anxiety. If you’re new, consider subscribing below to join our growing community and get the next essay direct to your inbox:

What do you do when difficult emotions come up?

Dear Friend,

I have a simple practice I have followed almost daily for a dozen years. I want to share it with you here.

I’ve had more people tell me this practice has saved their lives than any other. It helped them when experiencing challenging feelings like fear, shame, anger or conflict with others. This has been true for people across all faiths and traditions.

It works so well because it activates our evolved brain related to mindfulness and compassion.

First, let me set the stage.

The Relationship Hurt

Several days ago, I told my partner I was frustrated with social media, particularly X (formerly Twitter).

For the past sixteen months, I’ve been posting on the platform daily and carefully replying to every comment. During that time, I’ve gained 2,200 followers, but growing on X has been even more demanding than I expected.

For the past few weeks, engagement and follower growth have been prolonged despite doubling down on my efforts to write the most informative, inspiring, and well-written posts.

The bigger problem was my partner’s response. While I had been hoping for empathy, she only said, “Hmmm.”

This isn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things, especially since she’s an intelligent, hard-working woman who supports me in doing the work I want. Nonetheless, this was the situation—I felt unseen, hurt and angry—when the simple practice of RAIN came to the rescue.

The Daily RAIN Practice

The daily RAIN practice is simple. Here it is…

RAIN is a simple meditation with an acronym as easy to remember as it is to practice using the following four steps:

• ‍Recognize

• Allow

• Investigate

• Nurture

RAIN can be used anytime and anywhere challenging emotions come up.

When I was in pain yesterday, I felt anger bubble up inside. (Anger usually comes from one of two feelings—fear or hurt.) At first, I wanted to run away from the emotional pain. If you’ve ever felt unseen, you know what I’m talking about. It’s an awful feeling and triggers one of my deepest fears—that I am unlovable.

But then I remembered my RAIN practice. So I paused, and boy, am I grateful for the sacred pause.

The first step of RAIN begins with Recognizing (mindfulness), “Okay, what’s happening here? Fear, hurt, anger.” The “A” of RAIN is Allow, which says, “It’s here right now.” It doesn’t make sense to fight reality. Just like a wave in the ocean, whatever is coming up belongs. I often say for the “A” of RAIN, “This belongs.”

The “I” is for investigation. Investigation is primarily somatic, meaning what happens in this living body.

But I started with, “What am I believing?” because I always have a narrative to accompany my pain. My mind told me the story: “My partner will never see me. She will never get me, and I will never have the kind of relationship I know is possible and have dreamed about and want so badly.” It was a real fear of not being loved and that my life was somehow going to end.

I continued investigating because this is the key—it must be somatic.

We can't really open to a larger space if we don’t feel it in our bodies. So I could feel this clenching in my chest, head, and down into my hands and an aching, empty feeling in my gut. And I put my hand on my heart because that’s the beginning of the “N” of RAIN, Nurturing.

And I asked myself, “So, what is this place asking of me? What do you need to trust or feel?” The beginning of nurturing is to sense what’s required here. And what was needed was to trust my lovableness and goodness and know I’d be OK yet imperfect.

So, the fullness of nurturing is to send that caring message inward, which is what I did: to trust that worthiness within me.

There was a sense of openness, spaciousness, clarity, and tenderness in seeing what was happening and offering kindness. It was as if I was back home, more true than the hurt self, resting in the truth of who I was. This is the gift of RAIN, a homecoming to the truth of who we are. And then what I call after the rain is like after real rain when everything flowers.

Now, let’s talk about why RAIN meditation is so effective.

Why it Works

After more than a dozen years following this practice, here are my biggest lessons learned.

1. It’s a good idea to work with difficult emotions as they come up. If, instead, we suppress them, they get stored in the body indefinitely and make a mess of our lives. Everyone gets hijacked by painful emotions, myself included. But no matter how bad it gets, when I go through the steps of RAIN, I inevitably find freedom and space around my emotions. The result is that not a week goes by without me getting caught in emotions. RAIN frees me from the grip of these powerful emotions.

2. The individual impact of any one application of RAIN is small, but the cumulative effect is enormous. The power of this practice comes from a multiplier effect that takes hold when you repeatedly process emotions as they come up rather than suppressing and having them accumulate in the body. You remain light rather than weighed down by “emotional baggage.”

3. You start to realize how insubstantial and fleeting painful emotions are. According to Harvard-educated neuroscientist Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, emotions only last up to 90 seconds. That’s not to say emotions aren’t real, but it’s comforting to know they are not as scary or long-lasting as they appear.

4. I have stuck with this practice because it’s easy to remember and simple to use. I can’t name many practices I have been able to pick up immediately and follow for years. Perhaps the biggest reason I have been so consistent with this practice is because it’s an acronym with a step-by-step process that’s easy to follow. Do things you can sustain.

Practice RAIN

Feeling our feelings is an exciting process. It’s one of those things everyone accepts you should do, but we rarely talk about how to do it. It’s sort of like saying you should “be present.” It’s straightforward advice, but you’ll seldom hear people explain how they are present.

RAIN is fantastic, but what does it look like in everyday life? When someone practices RAIN, what do they actually do?

I still have much to learn, but my ongoing RAIN practice has made a big difference in my ability to regulate my emotions, know myself and maintain healthy relationships. It has been one way that I have felt and processed emotions regularly, which turns out to be a big deal.

Give it a try and see if it works for you.

Keep practicing RAIN,

Ryan

Thank you for walking beside me on this path, my friend. I’m glad you’re here.

My biggest passion is working 1:1 with readers like you.

Whenever you’re ready, I can help you stop waging war with yourself and start being your best friend. Schedule a free, 45-minute discovery call now.

Besties, Bonsai (Shitzu mix) and Samantha (Chihuahua mix)