I love this Ryan. The experience of facing loneliness and it being a mirage! My experience with loneliness was quite different. I went deep into the feels of it after my divorce. It was scary. And one of the most painful times of my life. What I learned about myself in reading your post is that I didn’t really ever surrender to loneliness in that time. Sure, I found ways to embrace solitude (and that was beautiful) but as much as I thought I was sitting with loneliness, I was still fighting it. And some of the behaviors I had then, in fighting and fleeing loneliness, only brought on shame. And shame and loneliness are not a good combination!
I healed a lot in that time. And there’s still more to heal. I still have fears around loneliness. Sigh. Such is life. Everything is a process. I trust the process.
What I can say is that meeting you has been one of the greatest blessings of being on substack. I no longer feel loneliness in my business as an entrepreneur. That’s been a 25 year journey of walking (unwillingly) with loneliness. I thank you.
Phew, you know how to leave someone feeling seen. Your words are moving, and a wave of emotion swept through my body.
It's so interesting to hear about your experience after divorce. It was painful and scary for me, too, and I concur that shame and loneliness are not a good combination. I have much healing to do as well.
It's heartening to learn that I've had a positive impact and that my writing and showing up matter, especially when confronted with self-doubt. I look forward to making magic together.
Hm. Thought this was a bit superficial at first. Even unsubscribed! But I think it's had a subtle influence on me because this morning having one of those low moods and struggling to do the little jobs I planned I have been able to shake off the guilt and shame of "laziness" and accept the mood, and know it isn't permanent. Maybe today is a day for being creative or reflective? Thank you.
Wow, Zayda, I'm not sure if I've ever received such a transparent and honest comment. I appreciate your willingness to be vulnerable here, and I'm delighted to hear you could extend grace to yourself this morning and even reconsider your plans based on your mood. You're welcome, and thank you for this gift. Makes my evening.
Thank you for sharing this, Ryan. The way you described loneliness as a mirage really struck me. It’s fascinating how we can spend so much time resisting an emotion, thinking it’s the worst thing ever, only to find that it’s not nearly as terrifying as we made it out to be. I can relate to how loneliness once felt like something I had to avoid at all costs, but the way you surrendered to it and saw it for what it was—just another passing emotion—makes me think I should approach my own discomforts with more curiosity and less resistance. Your story is a great reminder that the only way out is through. Thank you again for your honesty and for offering such a powerful perspective.
The band took their name from the title of Aldous Huxley’s book, The Doors of Perception, itself derived from a line in William Blake’s “The Marriage of Heaven and Hell”: "If the doors of perception were cleansed, everything would appear to man as it is: infinite".
Sounds perfect for your “vision”!
My biggest “hinge point” transformation (another door analogy) felt like a portal as well, except it happened while driving my car across America. And it wasn’t a vision or realization, it was just the end and the beginning of something, felt viscerally, deeply emotionally, and not understood until later. I’ll tell you that story some time.
I'm still early in life, but I aspire to reach a point where I'm so self assured, so comfortable in my own skin, that the absence of people doesn't waver my equanimity. Even in complete solitude, we can find comfort within ourselves, minding our own thoughts, like fishing in a quiet, snow-covered scene.
I love this poem, Evan. I'm confident you will find the equanimity you seek in the absence of people. Depending on one's temperament, many find being at peace in solitude easier than with others. Thank you for the poem and for sharing your aspiration.
" I am a part of the very fabric of life. This is not something I do, but something that is in the same way that loneliness just was. The only change is in my perception." ---How much I love this part! You shared the real you with us. I thank you for your authenticity and poetic side. :) Everyone is a part of the very fabric of life. Everyone is equal when it comes to suffering and finding joy. Have a nice day!
Aww, thank you, Lily. It feels good to know that this sentence landed. Aren't those head-nodding "yes" moments beautiful? Thank you for taking the time to share this with me. You have a lovely tomorrow.
Mmm, so good to learn acceptance has transformed your loneliness. It's funny and sad that we look for outside confirmation before learning to confirm ourselves.
I ran from feeling. Like sprinted like my hair was on fire. And when I couldn’t run any longer. I felt. And I lived through it. And it sucks until it doesn’t. Truly. Keep feeling, friend.
I love this, Heidi. You beautifully capture what it's like to go from running to embracing feelings. Few things have been as beneficial to me as learning to feel feelings.
I find this story to be super relatable. Both about feeling lonely my whole life and then surrendering to the feeling and finding out it wasn’t so bad after all. You wrote about it really well
We seem to be in sync on the topics. Redhead bullied and animals to help from loneliness. I just wrote about that in my “the road less traveled…and I took a detour” . So interesting. I guess the collective consciousness is getting in synch worldwide 😁🙌🏻
I read your article last Friday, just before a weekend immersive. I enjoyed learning about your life and related to much of what you wrote. The photo of you with The Power of Now was a lovely touch. It's one of the books that helped purify my mind more than any other. Thank you for sharing.
Insightful, Ryan. I’ll have to try that one day. I struggle with differentiating ‘alone’ and ‘lonely’. As odd as it may sound, I hope soon to be alone so I can conquer the thing called loneliness.
That's funny, Nate, but it doesn't sound odd. Your desire to be alone so you can better understand loneliness makes perfect sense to me. Daily alone time is a necessity for me. I'm glad you took the time to share what's happening for you. We're all in this.
Oh, man. I never know how my writing and stories will be received, so reading your words is a relief and a satisfying feeling to know they landed. Thanks for taking the time to share what came up this morning.
I can't tell you how good it feels to read your words, Jasmin. Despite trying to write transparently and vulnerably, I never know how my writing will land. Your words help to inspire me, so thank you.
I appreciate your vulnerability here, Aishwarya. You're not alone. As you say, seeing others in a relationship can feel isolating. I'm glad to have you as a subscriber. 🤗
I love this Ryan. The experience of facing loneliness and it being a mirage! My experience with loneliness was quite different. I went deep into the feels of it after my divorce. It was scary. And one of the most painful times of my life. What I learned about myself in reading your post is that I didn’t really ever surrender to loneliness in that time. Sure, I found ways to embrace solitude (and that was beautiful) but as much as I thought I was sitting with loneliness, I was still fighting it. And some of the behaviors I had then, in fighting and fleeing loneliness, only brought on shame. And shame and loneliness are not a good combination!
I healed a lot in that time. And there’s still more to heal. I still have fears around loneliness. Sigh. Such is life. Everything is a process. I trust the process.
What I can say is that meeting you has been one of the greatest blessings of being on substack. I no longer feel loneliness in my business as an entrepreneur. That’s been a 25 year journey of walking (unwillingly) with loneliness. I thank you.
Phew, you know how to leave someone feeling seen. Your words are moving, and a wave of emotion swept through my body.
It's so interesting to hear about your experience after divorce. It was painful and scary for me, too, and I concur that shame and loneliness are not a good combination. I have much healing to do as well.
It's heartening to learn that I've had a positive impact and that my writing and showing up matter, especially when confronted with self-doubt. I look forward to making magic together.
Hm. Thought this was a bit superficial at first. Even unsubscribed! But I think it's had a subtle influence on me because this morning having one of those low moods and struggling to do the little jobs I planned I have been able to shake off the guilt and shame of "laziness" and accept the mood, and know it isn't permanent. Maybe today is a day for being creative or reflective? Thank you.
Wow, Zayda, I'm not sure if I've ever received such a transparent and honest comment. I appreciate your willingness to be vulnerable here, and I'm delighted to hear you could extend grace to yourself this morning and even reconsider your plans based on your mood. You're welcome, and thank you for this gift. Makes my evening.
Thank you for sharing this, Ryan. The way you described loneliness as a mirage really struck me. It’s fascinating how we can spend so much time resisting an emotion, thinking it’s the worst thing ever, only to find that it’s not nearly as terrifying as we made it out to be. I can relate to how loneliness once felt like something I had to avoid at all costs, but the way you surrendered to it and saw it for what it was—just another passing emotion—makes me think I should approach my own discomforts with more curiosity and less resistance. Your story is a great reminder that the only way out is through. Thank you again for your honesty and for offering such a powerful perspective.
I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment. 🙏🏻
Ryan, I just loved this! And isn’t it symbolically telling that you were standing in a doorway when you had this realization?
It feels great to hear this. And it's not surprising, given what you shared on Zoom yesterday.
I have always wondered about that, and it sounds obvious when you mention it, but I had never considered it. Thanks for bringing it to my attention.
Did you ever hear how The Doors chose their name?
From Wikipedia:
The band took their name from the title of Aldous Huxley’s book, The Doors of Perception, itself derived from a line in William Blake’s “The Marriage of Heaven and Hell”: "If the doors of perception were cleansed, everything would appear to man as it is: infinite".
Sounds perfect for your “vision”!
My biggest “hinge point” transformation (another door analogy) felt like a portal as well, except it happened while driving my car across America. And it wasn’t a vision or realization, it was just the end and the beginning of something, felt viscerally, deeply emotionally, and not understood until later. I’ll tell you that story some time.
That's so interesting, Don. I grew up with The Doors and wondered how they chose that name. I've yet to read either book, but both sound insightful.
Your story sounds fascinating. I'm looking forward to hearing it.
Thanks for sharing, Ryan! I'm reminded of a Chinese poem, which describes an old man fishing alone in a lifeless wintery landscape:
https://100tangpoems.wordpress.com/2017/12/25/%E6%B1%9F%E9%9B%AA-river-snow-liu-zongyuan/
I'm still early in life, but I aspire to reach a point where I'm so self assured, so comfortable in my own skin, that the absence of people doesn't waver my equanimity. Even in complete solitude, we can find comfort within ourselves, minding our own thoughts, like fishing in a quiet, snow-covered scene.
I love this poem, Evan. I'm confident you will find the equanimity you seek in the absence of people. Depending on one's temperament, many find being at peace in solitude easier than with others. Thank you for the poem and for sharing your aspiration.
" I am a part of the very fabric of life. This is not something I do, but something that is in the same way that loneliness just was. The only change is in my perception." ---How much I love this part! You shared the real you with us. I thank you for your authenticity and poetic side. :) Everyone is a part of the very fabric of life. Everyone is equal when it comes to suffering and finding joy. Have a nice day!
Aww, thank you, Lily. It feels good to know that this sentence landed. Aren't those head-nodding "yes" moments beautiful? Thank you for taking the time to share this with me. You have a lovely tomorrow.
This is beautiful. I have been plagued with loneliness my whole life but acceptance instead of resistance changes everything.
Mmm, so good to learn acceptance has transformed your loneliness. It's funny and sad that we look for outside confirmation before learning to confirm ourselves.
I ran from feeling. Like sprinted like my hair was on fire. And when I couldn’t run any longer. I felt. And I lived through it. And it sucks until it doesn’t. Truly. Keep feeling, friend.
I love this, Heidi. You beautifully capture what it's like to go from running to embracing feelings. Few things have been as beneficial to me as learning to feel feelings.
I find this story to be super relatable. Both about feeling lonely my whole life and then surrendering to the feeling and finding out it wasn’t so bad after all. You wrote about it really well
That's brilliant to hear, Elizabeth. What growth it shows. Thanks for being here. 💛
We seem to be in sync on the topics. Redhead bullied and animals to help from loneliness. I just wrote about that in my “the road less traveled…and I took a detour” . So interesting. I guess the collective consciousness is getting in synch worldwide 😁🙌🏻
It's fun to hear we're in sync on topics. You may be right about the collective consciousness. I look forward to reading your article.
It's this one https://thekeystonechannel.substack.com/p/the-road-less-traveledand-i-took , love your feedback
I read your article last Friday, just before a weekend immersive. I enjoyed learning about your life and related to much of what you wrote. The photo of you with The Power of Now was a lovely touch. It's one of the books that helped purify my mind more than any other. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you! Yes that book has helped me a lot as well!
Insightful, Ryan. I’ll have to try that one day. I struggle with differentiating ‘alone’ and ‘lonely’. As odd as it may sound, I hope soon to be alone so I can conquer the thing called loneliness.
That's funny, Nate, but it doesn't sound odd. Your desire to be alone so you can better understand loneliness makes perfect sense to me. Daily alone time is a necessity for me. I'm glad you took the time to share what's happening for you. We're all in this.
Keep feeling, indeed. Thanks for this, Ryan!
Cheers, Kelly. Good to hear from you.
Beautiful read and so illuminating on the power of welcoming emotions. I'm touched. Such a beautiful way to start my day!
Oh, man. I never know how my writing and stories will be received, so reading your words is a relief and a satisfying feeling to know they landed. Thanks for taking the time to share what came up this morning.
Very touching and raw take on loneliness. Really drew me in, couldn't stop reading. Thank you for sharing your pain and gain!
I can't tell you how good it feels to read your words, Jasmin. Despite trying to write transparently and vulnerably, I never know how my writing will land. Your words help to inspire me, so thank you.
I appreciate your vulnerability here, Aishwarya. You're not alone. As you say, seeing others in a relationship can feel isolating. I'm glad to have you as a subscriber. 🤗
You made me laugh, and I'm grateful for your words, Mike. I appreciate your friendship.