Never Let Them See You Sweat
The loneliness of looking good
Welcome to another edition of Beyond Self Improvement! If you missed it, here’s last week’s article: Why the Level of Your Anger Reveals the Degree of Your Attachment.
Today’s essay will explore the dark side of looking like you have it all together.
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Dear Friend,
Growing up, my house looked like it belonged in a magazine. Our spotless home was always ready to be featured in a middle-class version of Architectural Digest.
My parents valued beauty and invested in our house, furniture, and cars, which created a lovely image. Everything was meticulously maintained—the floors were vacuumed, the toilets scrubbed, and the counters wiped clean. But the artistry didn’t stop at our home’s appearance. My mom was beautiful, my dad handsome, and we kids were always dressed to impress.
But you'd see a different story if you opened a drawer or a closet.
Paperwork was crammed into drawers, closets overflowed with stuff, and the fridge was a chaotic mix of old and new food. Beneath the pristine surface lay disorder.
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Our childhood reflected a culture that values image above all else.
The media bombards us with images of perfection, and we learn to equate a good, happy life with looking good. The right school, job, neighborhood, clothes, car—everything has to be perfect—even down to the polished, rarely used copper pans because you never knew which guest might come over.
The TV ad for Dry Idea with the tagline, “Never let them see you sweat, " epitomized this mindset. We are taught to always look good, act perfect, and be flawless. We believe this is how to gain attention, validation, and rewards.
Social media is the modern equivalent of my pristine childhood home.
We curate our feeds to showcase the best parts of our lives. We post pictures of our vacations, achievements, and perfectly plated meals. We hide our struggles, our messes, our vulnerabilities. Like my parents hid the clutter behind closed doors, we hide our imperfections behind filters and captions.
Or take the corporate world. Many of us work in environments where image is everything. We dress the part, speak the part, act the part, eat at the right restaurants, and drink the proper cocktails. We spend our days and evenings maintaining the façade of competence and all-knowing.
But behind closed doors, we might be overwhelmed, stressed, and struggling to keep up.
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The pursuit of a perfect image comes at a cost.
It can rob us of our authentic selves. We become so focused on maintaining the image that we lose touch with ourselves. We strengthen our sense of being a small, separate self, constantly seeking external validation, and we reinforce the idea that we are not enough as we are.
This constant striving for perfection can lead to burnout, anxiety, and a sense of emptiness. We might achieve the perfect image, but at what cost? We might look good, but we’re exhausted, unfulfilled, and alone.
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Pursuing superficial perfection leads us away from what we truly desire—love, acceptance, and a sense of belonging.
Ultimately, your original nature is the most beautiful thing you can be. So, why settle for a facsimile of love when you can have the real thing? Embrace your imperfections and allow yourself to be seen, including your fears, shortcomings, and vulnerabilities.
Your authentic self is waiting to be rediscovered.
Keep being real,
Ryan
Thank you for walking with me on the path and being a part of the conversation. May this essay help you live with greater freedom.
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Love it. There's on old British sitcom called Keeping Up Appearances. Finds humor in exactly this premise. The main characters' surname is Bucket, pronounced bouquet. Next level effort to project sophistication. Thanks Ryan.
Thank you for this piece, Ryan. It spoke to me in many ways, as "appearances" are something I have spent considerable time reinforcing in my life, including my clothes, shoes, car, home, and even work. Trying to let go of appearances and stop caring what others think is difficult because I constructed my actions to gain their validation. Alas, my experience is that relief comes by working on the inside (cleaning out the drawers) and learning to love yourself. For me, the first step was finding ways to silence the inner critic (not easy!). I use affirmations and a daily journal to remind me of my worth and contemplate my journey. I make choices in my life that affirm my values. I have yet to realize the holy grail of not caring what others think of me, but the importance has dropped significantly, and it ranks well behind how I feel about myself. Progress, not perfection!