it is a delight to hear that you finally got the help you always deserved and healed because of it. You are right when you say that before we can properly store an experience (heal from it), we have to go through it all again. Although it is painful, the results are worth the way.
As a little child, I experienced similar late pick-ups. Whenever somebody keeps me waiting, I get frustrated and usually leave after 15 minutes. To be honest, I have never seen my reaction as a problem, but your post motivated me to work through it.
I've been following you on Twitter for a while now and you seem to generally be talking about what I've personally been discovering. I'd love to share an incredible experience I had with you because I think it might resonate and I'm really interested in your perspective.
In early July 2023 I was in a session talking to my therapist about revenge when she asked me to tell her about the person I was grieving. My therapist noted how my voice softened when I spoke of my friend. She said it sounded like I did have a close relationship her. That comment felt like it touched a nerve inside me - in a good way - to put it in therapy language, "like I'd finally been seen".
The next morning I was sitting on my couch alone, thinking, when I noticed my mind start to quiet and suddenly I was overcome by a feeling of connection to myself and along with it came a feeling of intelligence, self confidence and three dimensionality to myself. It was the single most bizarre and positively amazing experience of my life. The feeling of intelligence was somewhat familiar - I'd experienced it extremely briefly after therapy, with 2 different therapists, on 2 other occasions many years apart - but the other stuff was absolutely brand new. It was like I was on the limitless drug or put another way maybe my heart and mind were finally connected? Was this what Buddha felt like? I was blown away - I didn't know this type of experience was even possible. I felt like I could do anything I put my mind to. I felt like I now understood how someone could become extremely successful or the POTUS. Being this way I could achieve anything! I told my wife about what I was feeling and she said, "Oh, I feel like that 80% of the time". My jaw hit the floor and I frankly didn't believe her. Sadly, this was not to last. After two days my young daughter screamed about something(nothing sinister) and the feeling of connection to self disappeared. I suffer from PTSD and complex PTSD so I'm easily thrown outside my "window of tolerance". The window of tolerance was something my therapist had mentioned to me a few weeks before this experience and I'd also been meditating fairly regularly in the weeks leading up. Also prior to the experience I remember mentioning to my therapist that I was feeling unusually relaxed recently and I could see that when I thought I'd been relaxed in the past I was still probably at a 5 or 6/10 level of stress.
I went back to my therapist to discuss this mind blowing event and all she could say was that I'd had a "consciousness expansion", which was a disappointment to say the least. Is this how most people feel most of the time? I feel like an emotional zombie compared to that. So much to say about my own personal experience with four traumatic bereavements and accompanying emotional neglect but I'll leave it here. Ryan, have you encountered healing that sounds like this before?
I’m not sure how I stumbled across your newsletter but I am so glad I did. This piece on childhood trauma was so helpful and informative to me. I have significant trauma which has fed addiction. I’m working with a therapist to work through and heal but I found your reference and experience with the workshop very intriguing. Can you share more about the facilitator so I can explore more? Thank you for sharing your experience and trauma. It gives me hope I can overcome my own.
Hello Ryan,
it is a delight to hear that you finally got the help you always deserved and healed because of it. You are right when you say that before we can properly store an experience (heal from it), we have to go through it all again. Although it is painful, the results are worth the way.
As a little child, I experienced similar late pick-ups. Whenever somebody keeps me waiting, I get frustrated and usually leave after 15 minutes. To be honest, I have never seen my reaction as a problem, but your post motivated me to work through it.
Thank you!
Hi Ryan,
I've been following you on Twitter for a while now and you seem to generally be talking about what I've personally been discovering. I'd love to share an incredible experience I had with you because I think it might resonate and I'm really interested in your perspective.
In early July 2023 I was in a session talking to my therapist about revenge when she asked me to tell her about the person I was grieving. My therapist noted how my voice softened when I spoke of my friend. She said it sounded like I did have a close relationship her. That comment felt like it touched a nerve inside me - in a good way - to put it in therapy language, "like I'd finally been seen".
The next morning I was sitting on my couch alone, thinking, when I noticed my mind start to quiet and suddenly I was overcome by a feeling of connection to myself and along with it came a feeling of intelligence, self confidence and three dimensionality to myself. It was the single most bizarre and positively amazing experience of my life. The feeling of intelligence was somewhat familiar - I'd experienced it extremely briefly after therapy, with 2 different therapists, on 2 other occasions many years apart - but the other stuff was absolutely brand new. It was like I was on the limitless drug or put another way maybe my heart and mind were finally connected? Was this what Buddha felt like? I was blown away - I didn't know this type of experience was even possible. I felt like I could do anything I put my mind to. I felt like I now understood how someone could become extremely successful or the POTUS. Being this way I could achieve anything! I told my wife about what I was feeling and she said, "Oh, I feel like that 80% of the time". My jaw hit the floor and I frankly didn't believe her. Sadly, this was not to last. After two days my young daughter screamed about something(nothing sinister) and the feeling of connection to self disappeared. I suffer from PTSD and complex PTSD so I'm easily thrown outside my "window of tolerance". The window of tolerance was something my therapist had mentioned to me a few weeks before this experience and I'd also been meditating fairly regularly in the weeks leading up. Also prior to the experience I remember mentioning to my therapist that I was feeling unusually relaxed recently and I could see that when I thought I'd been relaxed in the past I was still probably at a 5 or 6/10 level of stress.
I went back to my therapist to discuss this mind blowing event and all she could say was that I'd had a "consciousness expansion", which was a disappointment to say the least. Is this how most people feel most of the time? I feel like an emotional zombie compared to that. So much to say about my own personal experience with four traumatic bereavements and accompanying emotional neglect but I'll leave it here. Ryan, have you encountered healing that sounds like this before?
I’m not sure how I stumbled across your newsletter but I am so glad I did. This piece on childhood trauma was so helpful and informative to me. I have significant trauma which has fed addiction. I’m working with a therapist to work through and heal but I found your reference and experience with the workshop very intriguing. Can you share more about the facilitator so I can explore more? Thank you for sharing your experience and trauma. It gives me hope I can overcome my own.
Thank you, Karoliina. 😇