39 Years on the Path: Everything I've Done to Heal, Wake Up and Find Lasting Wellbeing
From the lowest lows of self-improvement to the highest highs of spirituality and everything in between
I appreciate your patience—this essay took longer than expected.
Ines, a regular reader of Beyond Self Improvement, asked, "Could you expand on what helped you through your journey? I'd prefer to hear about everything you’ve done on the path to heal and wake up."
I will attempt to answer this question using a timeline format. If you've been on the path for some time, you may recognize yourself in some of my experiences. If you're new to the path, my experiences may spark something in you.
Dear Friend,
My Dad believed in personal development, studied to become a priest and liked to say, "Investing in yourself is the best investment." So, I was drawn to personal growth and contemplation early.
Unfortunately (or fortunately), I struggled growing up—a lot. I was sensitive and cried on Santa's lap. From grade school through college, I was bullied for being skinny. From third grade on, I was in a perpetual state of anxiety interspersed with periods of depression. I was sensitive and took everything deeply personally. I was deeply insecure, terrified of judgment and became perfectionistic. I thought I'd have a smooth life if I could get everything right. My nervous system was dysregulated and stuck in the freeze state. I was nervous, stilted and awkward around people. I was quiet, painfully shy, negative and judgmental of everyone and everything. I became a chameleon, forever pleasing others so nobody would dislike me or be mad at me. I was the peacemaker in my family because conflict was too upsetting, even if it didn't involve me. Loneliness, anger, and sadness were my most common feelings. By high school, my posture slumped, and I'm still learning to stand up straight.
At 14, I began consciously trying to improve my life. Here's that story.
Teens
My teens included survival mode, being "comfortably numb" like the Pink Floyd song, one self-improvement project after another to fix all my flaws, drinking alcohol to calm my nervous system enough to socialize, nutrition, exercise, and self-help books.
I was Tom Sawyer in the Rush Song:
Though his mind is not for rent
Don't put him down as arrogant
His reserve, a quiet defense
Riding out the day's events...
Always hopeful, yet discontent
14 I biked 350 miles through Vermont with American Youth Hostels. The first day, I thought I would die, but I refused to quit. A kid said, "We didn't think you'd make it, but you hung in there." We toured the Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream factory in Burlington.
16 I took a high school nutrition class with a farmer named Emil Mulhausen, who dressed like a 1960s throwback.
He had short-cropped hair like Matt Johnson on the cover of The The's Mind Bomb album. He wore an avocado rib-knit T-shirt, a leather belt with a big buckle and corduroy pants. He faced backward in elevators. I loved him and his class.
I began following a strict diet from lessons from the class and the book Eat to Win: complex carbohydrates, no fat, no sugar, no fast food, no junk food, and low sodium. I cut out sugar in part because I couldn't stand the thought of one more shot of novocaine to treat a cavity.
My brother and Dad bought a Soloflex machine, which I started using to overcome being skinny. Noting my efforts, my Dad offered $50 if I could do 50 pushups, but it was demotivating. The bar was too high, and the external reward corrupted my motivation.
When the results weren't immediate, I quit. I had a fixed mindset and believed that results should be quick and easy if a talent exists.
17 I began reading self-help books like How to Win Friends and Influence People and The Power of Positive Thinking to become likable and less pessimistic. However, only a few self-help books improved my life.
While standing in a school hall, I thought, "If I want answers to life's questions, I will probably have to look east."
18 I got drunk at a house party and had a fantastic time. For the first time, I felt at ease, funny, and free of my usual self-consciousness. The following day, I couldn't wait to tell my mom my plan to learn how to have that much fun without drinking.
The Meyers-Briggs assessment said I had an INTJ personality type and was qualified to be a homemaker or psychologist. "What's a homemaker?" I asked my friend's mom. She blushed.
I began stuffing my face like John Belushi in Animal House to gain weight. By the end of my first year of college, I had gained 20 pounds.
19 I considered reading books by Thoreau and Emerson but have yet to do so. At the time, I preferred fantasy to reality.
I lifted weights occasionally in college, but progress was painfully slow. Being skinny and weak around prominent athletes was intimidating, even humiliating.
My brother and his girlfriend said they would learn transcendental meditation from a guru at a local hotel. I was envious and thought, "I want to go! But I could never quiet my mind—it's too busy!" So I didn't go.
20s
My 20s included graduating college, moving back in with my parents, materialism, getting fired from my first three jobs, weightlifting, nutrition, self-help books, self-improvement projects, losing my money, moving to Colorado (which I fell in love with at 8), earning an MBA, and backcountry sports.
I continued to eat the same ultra-clean diet from high school.
I was convinced that asceticism, self-negation and willpower would free me from my misery.
20 I bought a used copy of Dharma Bums in France but barely read it.
I was afraid of dying of cancer and did my best to avoid chemicals, so I used natural toothpaste, titanium dioxide sunscreen, natural deodorant, and no painkillers.
22 After graduating college, I had no idea who I was, what I wanted, what I valued, and where I was going, and I felt like I had no skills to deal with adulthood. I was lost, depressed and full of rage.
Lifted weights six days a week and ate five meals daily to fix my skinny body. I didn't listen to music while exercising to avoid relying on crutches. After two years, I gained 15 pounds, became stronger and impressed a friend from high school enough that she asked me out.
Became a vegetarian after hearing about one too many E.coli outbreaks. Began buying organic foods at a co-op and taking supplements like probiotics
Worked in specialty coffee but didn't drink coffee to avoid becoming addicted.
Cut sleep to six hours a night to be more productive and accomplished like the people on the cover of magazines.
Bought a used Porsche 944 because I had wanted one since I was a kid. However, I didn't like the attention and constant worrying about dings, scratches and repair bills.
24 Stopped lifting weights after moving out of my parent’s home because I no longer had a gym membership and was burned out.
Attended both the Basic and Advanced Lifespring courses after my sister persisted and offered to pay for it. Met my first long-term girlfriend in the course. After the course, I thought, "Now that I know how to be happy, I can enjoy the rest of my life without having to work at it." My new-found happiness didn't last long. Within months, I returned to my usual anxious, depressed, lonely, angry self.
Began taking cold showers to be like a childhood hero, Rhinehold Messner, and to be tougher.
Bought nice clothes, wore a suit and tie to work, and filled my apartment with lovely furnishings.
Lost all of my money and more speculating in stocks with money borrowed from credit cards.
26 Returned to grad school to study fashion, design and merchandising, but earned an MBA to make more money and have nicer things. I had two of the best years of my life.
During grad school, I read the first chapter of a book comparing Buddhism to Taoism. "This is probably the ideal way," I thought, "but I need to pursue an MBA and make more money to see if they will make me happy."
Hiked my first 14,000-foot mountain (~4,250 meters) as part of a trail-building project. I had wanted to climb mountains since visiting Colorado as an eight-year-old and because my dad climbed in his youth.
28 My first long-term relationship blew up, and I channeled my hurt and anger into biking and running. It helped relieve symptoms of depression.
Learned how to lead trail-building projects with Volunteers for Outdoor Colorado and volunteered on a half dozen projects.
29 I was marketing director at a juice bar chain but was kicked out by the venture capitalists and the founders.
Joined a broadband internet company as an inside sales manager during the dot com boom, hoping to get rich like recent college graduates in Silicon Valley I kept reading about. I was awarded 500 stock options, a massive insult considering my fellow sales managers and I were driving most of the growth. The company reached a $2B valuation, but my options were worthless. So much for becoming rich during the dot com.
30s
My 30s included totaling my car, working hard, getting laid off, switching from marketing to sales, making more money than ever, getting married, gratitudes, road trips, international travel, backpacking, climbing mountains, running, trail running, hiking, ice climbing, rock climbing, road biking, mountain biking, snowshoeing, meditating, mindfulness, workshops, meditation retreats, and paying off all my debt.
30 I was inspired by a woman in my apartment building who practiced meditation and yoga, which I had never heard of.
Took the Colorado Mountain Club's basic mountaineering program to learn proper climbing techniques where I met my climbing buddies. I climbed mountains in all four seasons and began picking up trash along the trail, following my friends' lead.
31 I started a marketing job with General Electric in Boulder, where I had wanted to live since high school. I hoped that working for a Fortune 500 company would provide stable employment, make my parents happy, and satisfy my life goal of walking to work.
Moved in with an engineer ten years my senior who went to bed at 10 pm and got up at 6 am religiously. He seemed healthy and happy, so I began sleeping eight hours nightly. Unsurprisingly, I felt better and more energetic.
Walked everywhere and rarely drove my car: work, gym, library, coffee shops, restaurants, grocery store and shopping.
Began taking yoga classes at my gym and felt out of place. "You might want to practice on a mat," said the instructor. Walking home, I felt as if I were walking on the moon. But soon, I would return to my miserable self. I wanted to know if there was a way to sustain the sense of ease I felt after class.
Began lifting weights again. My ex-girlfriend's best friend was surprised by how much bigger I was. Being validated felt good but hollow because she (and my high school friend) seemed interested only in me.
Totaled my car and did many treatments, from massage to acupuncture and from foam rolling to pilates, to relieve the chronic pain.
Looked around my new apartment and thought, "I have so much stuff!" So, I began unloading it on eBay. This was my first taste of the freedom of minimalism.
32 The Meyers-Briggs assessment said I had an INFJ personality type. Had yoga already begun to reconnect me with my feelings?
The dot com crashed, and I was laid off along with half of my colleagues.
At the lowest point in my life, I felt alone, profoundly dissatisfied, and disillusioned. "Is this all there is?" I wondered. "Somebody somewhere across time must have figured out a better way to live."
I thought everything I had done over the past sixteen years would lead to lasting happiness, but here I was, more miserable than ever. I thought I would be a millionaire by 30, but here I was with no more money than when I graduated college. My friend's wife said, "Life is hard, Ryan. Life is hard." I felt seen and not so alone.
Met with a career placement counselor who said, "You're not your job." "I know," I replied. "You're not your job," she repeated. "Yeah, I know," I said. "You. Are. Not. Your. Job." she repeated slowly for emphasis. "Oh," I said, finally hearing her words.
Began practicing yoga 3-4x a week to deal with my sorrows.
Stopped lifting weights, met my ex-wife in a yoga class, and lost 20 pounds. Despite feeling better than ever, the 'life is hard' friend asked, "What, did you stop eating? Well, a new study revealed that a calorie-restricted diet promotes longevity."
Began shaving with water, washing my hair with baking soda and drinking from glass bottles instead of plastic to avoid more chemicals and make fewer trips to the store. I hoped to live to 100 and was afraid of dying since I had yet to learn how to live
33 Best shape of my life. However, every time I ate pasta, my belly would be fatter the following morning. I wondered if carbohydrates contributed to fat retention.
A friend and I joined a climbing trip to Bolivia. Despite massive dysentery, I climbed two mountains between 20,000 and 20,900 feet (6,000—6,400 meters). I ran around the volcano ring like a kid on crack. "I've never seen anyone with so much energy at the top of a mountain before," said the lead climber.
34 By now, I had climbed over fifty mountains above 13,000 feet (~3,900 meters) meticulously tracked on a spreadsheet, which got deleted after switching from a PC to a Mac.
Started a small business, working so many hours without moving that my fingers swelled to sausages and itched. I also started a straight commission sales job.
Moved halfway across the country to join my ex-wife who had moved six months prior.
35 The person helping me run my business sued me. Although the business lost money, work was going well, so I closed it.
Attended a 5-day yoga retreat at Sivananda Ashram Yoga Farm. A fellow retreatant introduced himself as, "Hi, I'm a Ben." Being immersed in practice quieted my mind and calmed my nervous system.
36 I began getting up at 5 a.m., running daily before work and drinking water before and after runs. On Saturdays, I ran in the nearby hills.
I listened to audiobooks on Buddhist psychology on my iPod while running and Dharma talks on cassette while prospecting for clients and driving to and from appointments. I was addicted to music, so this was a stretch.
Began meditating after my runs. I'd sit for three minutes one day and ten minutes the next, then skip meditation the next day because I "don't have time to meditate for ten minutes today." Eventually, I realized why my habits never stuck: they were too ambitious. I cut back to the least amount I could commit to—1 minute daily. Within six months, I felt slightly calmer and more at ease.
Attended a half-day event at Spirit Rock to dip my toes in the spiritual waters.
37 Attended a workshop taught by my most demanding yoga instructor to learn how to have compassion for people rather than hatred. There were only two students—my ex-wife and me. "Sublimate with compassion," he said for the billionth time in a thick Indian accent. It sounded good, but by the end, I still had no idea how to have more compassion for my fellow humans.
Inspired by Stephen Covey, I began practicing setting boundaries. When nobody got angry or abandoned me, I was encouraged to continue.
Joined a months-long Awakened Masculine Men's group with Jim Benson who suggested reading No More Mr. Nice Guy, which helped me overcome my people-pleasing tendency.
Attended my first five-day Vipassana meditation retreat, led by Robert Hall, Anna Douglas, and Wes Nisker, at Spirit Rock over Thanksgiving weekend. My mind was a shitshow, and my back, knees and hips were in excruciating pain.
Jack Kornfield served us Thanksgiving dinner as I had hoped. Rather than being grateful, I thought, "Ha! You call that being mindful? You look spaced out!" The wounded ego loves to judge.
"So, how was your retreat?" asked a fellow retreatant good -aturedly. "Uh, I don't know", I mumbled. "I'm still processing what happened."
38 Began reading books on mindfulness and Buddhism. I had intentionally not read any books up to this point to avoid intellectualizing spirituality like I had everything else.
Attended a 7-day Vipassana meditation retreat at Spirit Rock with John Travis, Mark Coleman and Donald Rothberg. "The purpose of meditation isn't to be calm," said Rothberg. "It's to learn how to respond to whatever arises with wisdom and compassion." This was revelatory to me.
"The whole world needs to know about this!" I thought as I reflected on how much formal meditation and mindfulness meditation had benefited me.
39 Began writing in a gratitude journal five minutes a day. After many months, my mind began to see all I appreciated rather than all that was wrong, and I felt more contented.
Attended a Yoga and Communication Couple’s Retreat hosted by one of my yoga instructors. Although we never practiced afterward, I still have the workbook.
Attended a daylong yoga workshop with Max Strom. "You know what it means if you have tight hamstrings?" he asked. "It just means you're a terrible person, that's all." I burst out laughing while nearly everyone remained silent. Only in a town like Palo Alto would anyone take a joke like that literally.
Attended a Kirtan workshop.
Attended a 6-day meditation and yoga retreat at Esalen with Mark Coleman, Philip Moffitt and Tias Little. After practicing walking meditation on the lawn, I experienced my first sense of freedom from self. A woman smiled at me, yet my mind was perfectly still with no self-consciousness, judgment, or sense of being judged. Just then, a kid said, "Mom! Did you see that man?!" as they walked by. I poured tea, sat down and cried.
I wanted to blog about how mindfulness had helped me but didn’t know how to code a website and thought, "Why would anyone listen to me anyway? I've only been practicing for a few years, while my teach’ while my teachers have been practicing for decades." So, I didn't act on the impulse.
40s
My 40s included divorce, dating, a lot of sex, starting a successful business, therapy, meditation retreats, Dharma talks, audiobooks, weightlifting, biking, coaching, men's groups, nonviolent communication, injury, stopping using anesthesia, road trips, eczema, contemplating death, scarcity mindset, blogging, Quakerism, books on relationships, hiking, climbing mountains, practicing generosity, workshops feeling lost and not knowing my purpose, volunteering, teaching mindfulness, and meeting my current partner.
40 After practicing yoga 3-4 times a week for nine years, I abruptly quit. I thought, "These people are clueless. What does doing a handstand in the middle of the room have to do with waking up? They don't know that mindfulness is the future." I could meditate and be mindful, but I had yet to cultivate empathy or compassion for my fellow cretins. In its place, I began stretching at home throughout the day.
I watched Julie and Julia, a movie based on a blogger who publicly committed to cooking one Julia Child meal a day for 365 days. Blogging had gone mainstream, the creator economy had begun, and I was blown away.
I assessed which activities I found satisfying and focused on while dropping everything else. I discovered that connecting with others is the most satisfying and enriching part of my life, and it's why we're all here. I stopped wearing a watch because I looked at it compulsively, which created time anxiety.
Walked in the rain nightly, listening to talks from Eckhardt Tolle, Jiddu Krishnamurti and Jack Kornfield on repeat. My marriage was falling apart, and I was as motivated as ever to find freedom from suffering.
41 While my ex-wife was on a two-month meditation retreat, I did everything I could to make a cozy home and do projects so that she would have nothing to do when she returned. When she returned, I asked, "I know the purpose of a meditation retreat doesn't involve thinking, but did you have a chance to think about us?" "Us?! I went there for me!"
They say, "People who play together stay together." Not in my experience. My ex-wife and I met in yoga, walked, hiked, backpacked, drank coffee, and road-tripped, but it wasn’t enough to sustain our relationship. The truth is that people who heal and grow together stay together.
After moving out, she said, "The reason I moved out here was to see if you'd follow me and prove your love to me." Cue facepalm. Alone, I felt sad, hurt, and disoriented and realized no woman was going to save me.
I stopped running due to injury and started walking about an hour daily while listening to Dharma talks. I began spin biking and lifting weights again to cope with my sadness and look more attractive. I also joined the California Mountaineering Club and started climbing mountains again.
Began meditating and listening to Dharma talks 1-2x a week with Gil Fronsdal’s Insight Meditation Center to find belonging and to heal after my divorce. I went for the next five years, including leading mindfulness hikes for several years.
I started a second small business that went well.
Attended Mens & Women’s David Deida Circle and a Divorce and Recovery Relationship weekly workshop for two years
42 Hired Jim Benson to help me figure out what I'm supposed to do with my life. When I mentioned drawing cartoons, he mentioned XKCD. By the end, I still hadn’t decided what to do with my life.
I began writing 10 times daily to overcome my scarcity mindset: "The world is infinitely abundant." After months of this, my mind started seeing abundance.
Joined a group to practice nonviolent communication. Began experimenting with nonviolent practices of stopping well before pedestrians in crosswalks and cars backing up and accelerating slowly from stop signs.
The Enneagram assessment said I was a nine or mediator personality type. I had my first dental filling without anesthesia, relying on mindfulness instead. I developed finger-splitting eczema. Despite extensive experimenting, it went away only after I left an unhealthy relationship and got into a healthy one.
43 Began giving $1 bills to people experiencing homelessness and paying the toll for the cars behind me.
Joined a weekly men's group Men's Mentoring Circle and attended about every other week for four years despite that the founder always seemed to resent me and be in competition with me.
Contemplated death regularly for years to overcome a lifelong fear of dying. I'm no longer afraid of dying, and because I'm doing my best to love well, live fully, and let go, I know I can die anytime and feel complete.
44 I went down the rabbit hole with my business, burned out and couldn't look at my business anymore, so I hired help.
I felt lost and disoriented, which I detest and resist. While floundering about it, I began volunteering to tutor a disadvantaged kid.
Stopped drinking milk because it made me gassy and eating wheat because it made me sleepy.
45 Attended Love, Intimacy and Sexuality workshop with the Human Awareness Institute and attended Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction 8-week program.
Began foam rolling daily to relieve tension from sitting at a desk and to relieve knots in my muscles.
I worked in sales for American Express but quit after three months because my boss was a micromanager. I finally realized that I was not cut out for corporate life and that no company could save me from financial hardship.
Attended a Quaker retreat with Tom Gates: Paradox and the Dynamic Center of Quakerism.
47 Attended a 7-day Vipassana meditation retreat at Insight Retreat Center with Gil Fronsdal and Bob Stahl.
Went to therapy weekly for five months (until my therapist moved to a different clinic) at the suggestion of Gil Fronsdal. She listened as I recounted my childhood sorrows and cried.
Attended weekly improv group for several months. I participated in the Loving Yourself workshop with the Human Awareness Institute. I attended the Living at Choice workshop with the Human Awareness Institute. I participated in an Authentic Communication workshop.
I hired the guy who wrote a book on decluttering. He helped declutter a storage closet filled mostly with childhood stuff weighing on my psyche. I would hold an item, and he'd ask me how I felt about it and give me feedback on my energy. Except for my bike, the closet was thoroughly cleaned out. Despite regretting getting rid of a few new or like-new items, I felt immeasurably lighter. It was the best money I have ever spent.
Practiced holotropic breathing with a friend. Both times, I felt a single-minded impulse to have sex with her, which was wild and bizarre.
I left the first men's group to start my own men's group with someone I met at a workshop, but he began covertly undermining me, so I left.
48 I taught two Foundations of Mindfulness Practice cohorts, a mindfulness course I created.
Attended a 7-day Vipassana meditation retreat Mindfulness In Early Buddhist Meditation - A Study and Practice Course on Satipaṭṭhāna-sutta with Venerable Analyo at Insight Retreat Center. I suddenly disappeared while taking out the trash, my assigned yogi job. I had zero sense of self, as if I weren't there. I heard my mind say, "Who's doing the walking?" and "Who's doing the thinking?" I looked up at a window on the second story and thought, "I feel no sense of being judged." This lasted until I heaved an extra heavy bag of garbage that jolted me back into self-consciousness and thinking.
Attended a 7-day Vipassana meditation retreat, Foundations of Mindfulness, with Diana Winston, Nikki Mirghafori and Alex Haley at Spirit Rock. Attended Deep Dating workshop through Interchange Counseling
Attended a college reunion and apologized to those I had hurt. Afterward, I felt lighter and easier, and my self-esteem rose.
Moved in with my partner and her kids, which was an "Oh shit" moment. Attended weekly therapy for nine months to help me deal with the challenges of moving in with my partner and her kids. Attended Weekend Family Meditation Retreat with my partner and stepkids at Jikoji Zen Center.
2018 It wasn't easy to live with my partner and help raise her kids. I felt out of place in my new family and had to contend with a big, messy, crazy house. To grow as a family, my partner, stepkids, and I attended a Weekend Family Meditation Retreat at Jikoji Zen Center.
50s
My 50s have included meditation, lifting weights, biking, walking, traveling, parenting, soccer games, concerts, musicals, graduations, weddings, workshops, posting to social media, meditation retreats, writing a weekly newsletter, coaching, facilitating workshops and X Spaces, burnout, and couple's counseling.
50 First colonoscopy without anesthesia, relying on mindfulness instead.
51 I lost all of my money for a second time while betting against the stock market. I learned it's true that the market can stay irrational longer than you can stay solvent.
A dozen years after the initial idea, I built a website and began writing and publishing blog posts online. I started about ten articles for everyone that I published. After two years, I published twenty articles and 65 notes on books, covering topics ranging from Buddhism and emotions to finance and business.
Second dental filling without anesthesia, relying on mindfulness instead.
52 Began meeting weekly with a couple's counselor.
Began writing a weekly newsletter on Substack and posting on X (Twitter).
54 Wrote and published 51 newsletters on Substack.
Began coaching people one-on-one at the request of followers on X.
55 Attended Deep Waters Experience weekend workshop.
Joined a local Buddhist community and began volunteering and attending weekly meditations and talks with occasional half-day meditations and talks
Facilitated Spaces on X.
Wrote and published 43 newsletters on Substack so far.
I've written 30,000 posts, comments and replies to comments on X and Substack.
Helped facilitate a Deep Waters Experience weekend
Participated in a 10-day Vipassana meditation retreat at Dhamma Manda.
Audited Connecting In Love with Human Awareness Institute.
In the end
After exploring, studying, practicing, experimenting, and tinkering, I see two major types of inner work: healing and waking up from unconscious conditioning. While different, they are inseparable.
Unfortunately, self-improvement will not meaningfully improve one's life. For that, one needs wisdom, practices and modalities that go deeper. Practices like meditation, breathing, yoga and QiGong offer temporary freedom, while healing and insights offer permanent freedom through changes in perception.
Learning to accept and even love ourselves is our life task. Remember, the path is the destination, and there is no arrival. "Strictly speaking," said Shunryū Suzuki, "there are no enlightened beings, only enlightened activity."
In the end, practice is the only reliable thing we have.
What Has Helped Me Most (alphabetical order)
Boundaries. Setting boundaries has been an essential life skill with numerous benefits: respect for self and others, protect my emotional space, more mature relationships, more peace of mind, more empowerment, and higher self-esteem.
Compassion. Compassion has helped transform my relationship with myself and others from hatred to kindness, constancy and grace. It's one of the most critical skills.
Dharma talks. If meditation is the soil, Dharma talks (Buddhist psychology) are the seeds. I don't know of a better combination for understanding oneself, others and the world around us than meditation and Dharma talks.
Community. The most significant gift of joining a Buddhist community was realizing I was not alone in my fear, confusion and struggles.
Connecting with and revealing myself to others. Connecting with others is the best part of my life. Nothing is more satisfying, and it's why we're all here.
Gratitude journal. Keeping a gratitude journal has helped transform my mind from seeing the negative to the positive and appreciating all the goodness in my life.
"I don't know." I used to have to be right and know everything, but now I say this phrase regularly. Not having to know everything has been a massive weight off my shoulders.
Intention. Knowing my intention helps direct my attention, guide my behavior, and incline my unconscious mind toward my intention. Having an intention is more potent than you think.
Journaling. A college friend once said, "Nothing will help you understand yourself better than journaling." True or not, journaling helps me process feelings and clarify my thinking.
Labeling and feeling feelings. Labeling and feeling feelings has been one of the most life-changing skills. Nothing leaves me feeling more alive and human than feeling my feelings.
Letting go. Learning to let go has been another life-changing skill that dramatically reduced my suffering.
Lovingkindness meditation. Lovingkindness has helped purify my mind of rage and hatred, open my heart, and allow me to feel and express kindness, compassion and love for myself and others. As a result, I no longer hate anyone.
Meditation. Meditation has improved my life more than anything else. Daily meditation helps stabilize my mind, helps me see clearly, be present, feel whole and leave me feeling that everything is okay.
Minduflness meditation. Nothing has improved my life more than mindfulness. Mindfulness helps keep my mind equanimous, my emotions stable, and better able to respond to life with wisdom and compassion rather than grasping and aversion.
Meditation retreats. Meditating sixteen hours daily allows me to go deeper than daily meditation alone. The quieter my mind is, the more its attachments, aversions, and patterns are revealed.
Movement. The human body is meant to move—a lot. The more I move my body, the happier I am. It's that simple.
Nature. I've revered nature since childhood. It's one of my places of refuge from the human realm, and it restores me to feeling whole, grounded, and in awe.
No news. Reading the news agitates my mind, negating the groundedness cultivated in meditation and mindfulness. That's why I've read little news over my lifetime.
Nutrition. When I eat healthful foods, I feel well. When I eat unhealthful foods, I don't feel well. I eat sugar once a week or less and rarely eat junk food.
Satisfying and fulfilling. Knowing what I find satisfying and fulfilling has dramatically simplified my life and reminds me where to focus.
Serving others. Helping others to struggle less and live with greater ease is richly rewarding.
Sleep. If you lack well-being, I first recommend getting more sleep (if possible). When I get at least seven hours of sleep, I have more energy, my mind works better, and I'm more emotionally stable.
Someone to talk to. Not until after divorce did I realize the need for at least one friend with whom we can share our deepest secrets and darkest dimensions and feel seen, heard and understood.
Stretching and rolling. At 22, I suffered chronic lower back pain. Today, stretching and rolling (and emotional healing) allow my body to remain (almost) completely pain-free, even in middle age.
Taking the one seat. Spiritual transformation requires systematic discipline, letting go of old habits of mind, and developing a new way of seeing, which Achaan Chah called "taking the one seat." This allows me to be with all of life's arisings and passings: sadness, regret, loneliness, desire, anger, happiness, and joy.
Therapy. Therapy has helped heal my trauma (mostly shame) as much or more than any modality.
Values. Learning my values has helped me understand what I care about most. They serve as a north star, guiding me back to myself when I get lost and entangled.
Walking. "When you were a kid, you loved to walk and walk and walk," my mom said many times. Walking brings me great joy—there's nothing like it, and it's free.
Writing. Writing is one of the hardest things I've ever done, but it is also one of the most beneficial. It helps clarify my thinking, helps me understand myself better, and allows me to reveal myself publicly, which is healing.
Keep exploring,
Ryan
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thx 🌹🌻🌸💐💚💛💜❤️🌼😍🥰
You strike me as inherently possessing two qualities that make for a powerful combo: sensitivity AND resilience. Thanks for letting us see more of you, Ryan, we all like what we see!