Ryan, your divorce story mirrors mine, as so many of our life ventures do.
When my ex-husband left me (to be a monk...add that to your list), I fell into the arms of community in a different form. I was welcomed into the homes, dining room tables, and guest bedrooms of friends and colleagues around the country who nurtured me back to Self. One of them was a closet dominatrix who told me "welcome to divorce, you're about to have the best sex of your life." Boy, was she right. Choosing not to wait the suggested 6-24 months, I had sex that I didn't know was possible.
And it lacked something. emotional intimacy.
I was raw. broken. vulnerable. all the right ingredients for passionate sex.
4 years later, I met my Hobbit, and he changed all the rules, in all the right ways.
But I never would've met him had I not been embraced by community when I needed healing.
What a beautiful story of healing and returning to your true self through the support of a community of friends. I especially appreciate the part about the dominatrix and how it led to meeting Hobbit. We don't talk about sex enough in the spiritual and healing community, an irreplaceable group of interrelated people.
Ryan, your story resonates with me on a deep level. I remember the disorientation and emptiness after my own divorce; it was like the ground had shifted beneath my feet. The idea that love alone could sustain a relationship was a hard one to let go of, but like you, I eventually had to confront that reality. Your journey through the Divorce and Relationship Recovery program highlights the power of community and shared experiences in healing. It's a reminder that we're never truly alone in our struggles.
It feels good to learn that we share a similar experience, even after all these years, Alexander. There's something comforting in knowing that I'm not alone in my challenges and experiences. As you say, we're never truly alone because community is ever-present and always available.
I always appreciate your sincere and affirming comments.
Sometimes the piece doesn’t need any further commentary—just a thank you. It was a sincere response because your writing is ALWAYS sincere. And I thank you for that too.
This reminds me in so many ways of wandering into AA in the early days of sobriety. It's the not sure I belong, but the rules—which were actually helpful—and all the wrestling with self.
Thank you for sharing, Ryan.
I have had a few clients going through divorce. Perspectives help, I think, but I also think divorce is like death. It's never the same, we all process differently, and we always make so much of it about ourselves.
I appreciate hearing your personal story about AA, and I share your concern about making comments about me. If it helps, I didn't take it that way. How else can we relate if not from our experiences?
Even if we're awake, it seems unlikely that we would not take divorce personally. Even if we understand intellectually, knowing emotionally is another matter. At least, that's true for me.
I thought of you last night, Damon. Thanks for your comment.
I am happy for you because you eventually got into a healthy relationship and marriage. I find your story and that of others in the comments interesting. For a long time my relationships broke down because I always believed that there was more to a relationship than love and sex. I think that I got into relationships with deadbeat guys, who were not willing to do the work necessary for the sustenance of a healthy relationship. Sometimes I feel like romantic relationships in Africa are suffering from the advent of sexual freedom. Almost everyone wants to have sex without the responsibility of a relationship. The divorce rate is going up steadily because of that situation.
Your transparency and vulnerability are welcome and appreciated here. Unfortunately, your experience is common and goes both ways in my experience.
It's disheartening to hear that divorce is rising due to sexual freedom. Having sex without the responsibility of a relationship is like trying to eat sugar without getting fat. It never works out long-term, at least not that I know.
This is a great post, Ryan. I have to admit I giggled at “Did I listen? Of course not”. Same. 😊 Great insights for people like me who have fallen off the horse a couple times. Thank you sir!
I'm glad you giggled, Mike. I suspect the majority are like you and me. If I found myself in a similar situation today, would I have the discipline not to seek immediate external validation? I would hope so, but I don't know.
My divorce started seven years before my fulltime stay at home mom/ex-wife finally filed papers (as the monied spouse, I was deathly afraid that she would get the kids and estrange them from me.) The three years we spent in family court were the loneliest years of my life, having no emotionally intimate partner I could trust in, and in many respects isolated in my experience by family and friends. I could rely on objective sympathy and support only from my eldest sibling, a sister with whom I am still closest to in the world.
Ryan is so right. You need a community to get through difficult times like divorces. I was unable to find one where I live, and I know I suffered more than I had to as a result. If you are separated or divorcing, I strongly recommend finding some kind of community like Ryan did.
Thank you Ryan for writing this. Seven years after my divorce was finalized, I can look back now on those days and learn more about myself from the place that I am in.
Richard, I can only imagine how stressful the thought of being estranged from your children must have been. I'm glad that didn't happen. Being alone in our sorrow without anyone to share it with is about as lonely and isolating as it gets, isn't it? I was profoundly lonely in my marriage.
I appreciate you confirming the value of community, and I'm delighted that you can see yourself more clearly seven years later. Thank you for reading and commenting.
Thank you immensely for sharing, Ryan. My divorce finalized in November, although we were separated for almost a year beforehand, and the 'loser' designation I felt toward myself was thick. Failing at anything sucks, but I think relationships are a special type of failure because so many deep emotions are involved. It's heartening to read how you're now thriving.
Oh, you've been in the thick of it this past year, and the wounds are all so fresh. I've been reading your stories and hearing your pain through your words, Derek. I feel for you. It doesn't lessen the pain, even if for the best.
You make an interesting point: "a special type of failure." I, too, got divorced a year after separation. Know that you're not alone.
Ha, I appreciate you sharing this, Sean. Hopefully, I don't come across as a goody-two-shoes prude. Sex seems to be a taboo topic, even though it can be deeply spiritual.
A no-dating policy might as well not even be in place. Being told I can't makes me want to do it more. Besides, daters gonna date.
I loved this most: "when we feel stuck, what we genuinely need isn’t more advice or hustle—it’s a sanctuary, a space to reconnect with ourselves, reflect, and begin again."
The dogs at the end really distracted me, they are so cute!
Ryan, your divorce story mirrors mine, as so many of our life ventures do.
When my ex-husband left me (to be a monk...add that to your list), I fell into the arms of community in a different form. I was welcomed into the homes, dining room tables, and guest bedrooms of friends and colleagues around the country who nurtured me back to Self. One of them was a closet dominatrix who told me "welcome to divorce, you're about to have the best sex of your life." Boy, was she right. Choosing not to wait the suggested 6-24 months, I had sex that I didn't know was possible.
And it lacked something. emotional intimacy.
I was raw. broken. vulnerable. all the right ingredients for passionate sex.
4 years later, I met my Hobbit, and he changed all the rules, in all the right ways.
But I never would've met him had I not been embraced by community when I needed healing.
What a beautiful story of healing and returning to your true self through the support of a community of friends. I especially appreciate the part about the dominatrix and how it led to meeting Hobbit. We don't talk about sex enough in the spiritual and healing community, an irreplaceable group of interrelated people.
Ryan, your story resonates with me on a deep level. I remember the disorientation and emptiness after my own divorce; it was like the ground had shifted beneath my feet. The idea that love alone could sustain a relationship was a hard one to let go of, but like you, I eventually had to confront that reality. Your journey through the Divorce and Relationship Recovery program highlights the power of community and shared experiences in healing. It's a reminder that we're never truly alone in our struggles.
Thank you for your vulnerable essay.
It feels good to learn that we share a similar experience, even after all these years, Alexander. There's something comforting in knowing that I'm not alone in my challenges and experiences. As you say, we're never truly alone because community is ever-present and always available.
I always appreciate your sincere and affirming comments.
btw - I have a very soft spot in my heart for black shiba inus. I got the shiba in the divorce.
Haha, they're special dogs, aren't they? Their way of being endears me, too.
Thank you Ryan!
I appreciate you reading it, Kert. 🤗
Sometimes the piece doesn’t need any further commentary—just a thank you. It was a sincere response because your writing is ALWAYS sincere. And I thank you for that too.
This reminds me in so many ways of wandering into AA in the early days of sobriety. It's the not sure I belong, but the rules—which were actually helpful—and all the wrestling with self.
Thank you for sharing, Ryan.
I have had a few clients going through divorce. Perspectives help, I think, but I also think divorce is like death. It's never the same, we all process differently, and we always make so much of it about ourselves.
(Like I just did with my AA reference.)
I appreciate hearing your personal story about AA, and I share your concern about making comments about me. If it helps, I didn't take it that way. How else can we relate if not from our experiences?
Even if we're awake, it seems unlikely that we would not take divorce personally. Even if we understand intellectually, knowing emotionally is another matter. At least, that's true for me.
I thought of you last night, Damon. Thanks for your comment.
I am happy for you because you eventually got into a healthy relationship and marriage. I find your story and that of others in the comments interesting. For a long time my relationships broke down because I always believed that there was more to a relationship than love and sex. I think that I got into relationships with deadbeat guys, who were not willing to do the work necessary for the sustenance of a healthy relationship. Sometimes I feel like romantic relationships in Africa are suffering from the advent of sexual freedom. Almost everyone wants to have sex without the responsibility of a relationship. The divorce rate is going up steadily because of that situation.
Your transparency and vulnerability are welcome and appreciated here. Unfortunately, your experience is common and goes both ways in my experience.
It's disheartening to hear that divorce is rising due to sexual freedom. Having sex without the responsibility of a relationship is like trying to eat sugar without getting fat. It never works out long-term, at least not that I know.
Love this analogy Ryan.
This is a great post, Ryan. I have to admit I giggled at “Did I listen? Of course not”. Same. 😊 Great insights for people like me who have fallen off the horse a couple times. Thank you sir!
I'm glad you giggled, Mike. I suspect the majority are like you and me. If I found myself in a similar situation today, would I have the discipline not to seek immediate external validation? I would hope so, but I don't know.
My divorce started seven years before my fulltime stay at home mom/ex-wife finally filed papers (as the monied spouse, I was deathly afraid that she would get the kids and estrange them from me.) The three years we spent in family court were the loneliest years of my life, having no emotionally intimate partner I could trust in, and in many respects isolated in my experience by family and friends. I could rely on objective sympathy and support only from my eldest sibling, a sister with whom I am still closest to in the world.
Ryan is so right. You need a community to get through difficult times like divorces. I was unable to find one where I live, and I know I suffered more than I had to as a result. If you are separated or divorcing, I strongly recommend finding some kind of community like Ryan did.
Thank you Ryan for writing this. Seven years after my divorce was finalized, I can look back now on those days and learn more about myself from the place that I am in.
Richard, I can only imagine how stressful the thought of being estranged from your children must have been. I'm glad that didn't happen. Being alone in our sorrow without anyone to share it with is about as lonely and isolating as it gets, isn't it? I was profoundly lonely in my marriage.
I appreciate you confirming the value of community, and I'm delighted that you can see yourself more clearly seven years later. Thank you for reading and commenting.
Thanks. Loneliness in a relationship is lonelier than being alone.
Brilliantly said. I had this exact thought in my marriage. It's awful.
Thank you immensely for sharing, Ryan. My divorce finalized in November, although we were separated for almost a year beforehand, and the 'loser' designation I felt toward myself was thick. Failing at anything sucks, but I think relationships are a special type of failure because so many deep emotions are involved. It's heartening to read how you're now thriving.
Oh, you've been in the thick of it this past year, and the wounds are all so fresh. I've been reading your stories and hearing your pain through your words, Derek. I feel for you. It doesn't lessen the pain, even if for the best.
You make an interesting point: "a special type of failure." I, too, got divorced a year after separation. Know that you're not alone.
Thank you, Ryan! 🙏
I enjoy seeing this promiscuous side of you! The Zumba instructor and the attractive woman dating story both brought a big smile to my face!
Ha, I appreciate you sharing this, Sean. Hopefully, I don't come across as a goody-two-shoes prude. Sex seems to be a taboo topic, even though it can be deeply spiritual.
Not at all. It’s just a side I hadn’t seen from you yet and it was cool to hear about!
Ryan. It’s after 3 am in Detroit, so I will definitely respond tomorrow.
You stay up late, Ruby. :)
A no-dating policy might as well not even be in place. Being told I can't makes me want to do it more. Besides, daters gonna date.
I loved this most: "when we feel stuck, what we genuinely need isn’t more advice or hustle—it’s a sanctuary, a space to reconnect with ourselves, reflect, and begin again."
The dogs at the end really distracted me, they are so cute!