What I'm Doing Now

A nod to Derek Sivers

First iteration of a cartoon drawing by AI.

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Welcome to Beyond Self Improvement issue #138. Every other Wednesday, I share an essay with practical ideas on finding personal freedom in an unfree world.

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Dear Friend,

This is my first essay, writing about what feels most alive in me at this moment. Perhaps you’ll see yourself in some of my goings-on.

Getting My Body in Shape

I enjoy being active, especially outdoors. However, COVID-19 and my work as an online creator disrupted my exercise routine. By spring 2024, I was in the worst shape of my adult life. A year and a half later, I feel healthy again and am reminded of how essential exercise is to overall well-being.

Here’s what I do to feel good:

Walking is one of the highlights of my day. My mom said I walked forever as a kid—some things never change.

Exercise: I alternate days between lifting weights and high-intensity interval training (HIIT).

Nutrition: I take fish oil, magnesium glycinate, vitamin D, creatine, and protein. I’ve taken supplements intermittently throughout adulthood, but I’ve never thought of them as necessary. These supplements might be the exception.

Stretching: I stretch throughout the day, a habit I learned from an early yoga instructor. I credit stretching (along with foam rolling and emotional work) with helping keep my physical pain to a minimum.

Foam rolling: A physical therapist recommended it after a 2000 car accident. My roommate at the time swore by it for easing back pain from sitting. Did I listen? Not until fifteen years later. Today, I foam-roll daily. It keeps my back pain-free. If I skip a day or two, my back will remind me.

Massage gun: I have “tennis elbow” (tendonitis) from doing the wrong grip-strengthening exercise. Icing and manual massage helped somewhat, but the massage gun is more effective.

Massage: Sometimes, I get a Shiatsu or Swedish massage from a local massage school. Why? Because a massage feels good and is an affordable luxury.

Getting My Posture in Shape

I’ve battled with my posture since I was a teenager. If you’ve ever been challenged by posture, you know how hard it is to build the habit. Last week, the massage therapist asked, “Why is your back so tight? It’s as tight as a front-line worker.” “You mean, like nurses?” “Yes, from rolling patients over. Your ESGs are especially tight.” “What’s an ESG?” “Erector Spinae Group.” “I see, the bands that run vertically along the spine.” “Yes.” After years of limited success, I believe I’ve finally found what works: highly targeted, homemade stretching, strengthening, and postural exercises done daily. My posture is finally improving, and I’m optimistic—stay tuned.

Self Care

I meditate and practice mindfulness daily. These practices have changed my life more than any other. They keep me sane, calm my life, and clear my mind.

Healing From Narcissistic Conditioning

My couple’s counselor recommended ‘It’s Not You’ by Dr. Ramani Durvasula. I read the book and watched over fifty of her most popular YouTube videos. She’s knowledgeable, funny, and unapologetic. For years, I refused to label people as narcissistic or toxic. I even posted online that narcissists deserve compassion (and I still believe this). Today, I understand they are dangerous; they will not change; and there is no ‘winning’ with them, no matter how much you work on yourself. The more time you spend with them, the unhappier you will become. Here’s what I’m doing to heal:

Journaling. Narcissistic conditioning runs deep. I’m journaling extensively every day to uncover how it has shaped my personality, attitudes, perceptions, behaviors, and ongoing choices.

Therapy. I attend weekly sessions to better understand myself in relation to narcissists. Unlearning these scripts takes time.

Codependents Anonymous (CoDA). Every Friday night, a dozen of us gather to journal and discuss our codependency tendencies. We aim to break free from our reflexive habits and trauma bonding and to reclaim our authentic selves.

I love Apple Notes. It’s where I organize my personal life: journaling, research, therapy notes, codependency work, food and nutrition, monthly budget, trip planning, tracking 2025 activities, the 2025 annual review, and projects like updating my wardrobe and tidying the garage, bookshelves, inbox, computer files, and paper files.

The Big Five personality traits. My stepdaughter returned from college for the holidays and shared her personality traits. I never paid much attention to the Big Five before, but now I find them fascinating. I see how useful they can be, especially in close relationships.

Getting My Sleep in Shape

Sleep is the foundation of overall well-being. For me, it’s the difference between a good and a great day. I usually spend eight to ten hours in bed each night. Unfortunately, sleep isn’t always within our control. Since the divorce, my sleep has been inconsistent, so I keep trying new methods. Here’s what helps:

Blackout curtains and an eye mask. After installing blackout curtains, light still came in from the top, so I began wearing an eye mask. Today, I never sleep without one.

Earplugs. Since I started using earplugs, I’m more likely to stay asleep, even with the roar of cars, barking dogs, my partner coming to bed at 1 or 2 am, and my stepdaughter stomping down the hall at 3 am. Earplugs work.

Consuming cannabis before bed. Cannabis seems to help me stay asleep and sleep more soundly. However, it’s not a viable long-term solution in my view.

Taping my mouth. I have a narrow nose and have always been a mouth breather. Four years ago, I began taping my mouth at night. I’m not sure if it helps me stay asleep, but I wake up feeling more rested and slightly calmer.

But external solutions only go so far. They can’t protect us from internal conditions such as an overstimulated nervous system, which appears to be the most significant factor in whether I stay asleep. That said, the cause-and-effect isn’t straightforward. Some nights, I feel relaxed and at ease and still wake up in the night. The experiment continues.

Connecting With Friends

Most of my socializing comes from my partner and her kids. I also connect with friends primarily via video calls or phone calls, as they are spread across the globe. Some calls are scheduled regularly, while others happen spontaneously. I also stay in touch with friends indirectly through their newsletters (haphazardly).

Money

I’ve been using Perplexity to model income and capital gains taxes for multiple states. I’m a numbers wizard, so I enjoy this kind of work. As far as I know, Perplexity’s answers were based on logic. However, it made several small mistakes. For example, it stated that $840 is 13.3% of $10,000. AI is imperfect. Also, I contributed the maximum allowed to my 2025 Health Savings Account (HSA) and plan to contribute the maximum to my IRA. Have you?

Other Projects

Eyeglasses. Recently, my optometrist fitted me with a pair of computer-distance glasses, which has been a game-changer—no more strain.

Cleaning my car. My car was filthy, so I recently cleaned, waxed, and Rain-X’ed it. “A clean car just drives better,” as my dad likes to say.

Music library. I finally transferred my music library to my newer iMac and iPhone. My stepson asked his mom, “Why doesn’t Ryan just use Spotify?” Point taken, but when you have 5,000 songs you want and none you don’t, meticulously sorted by genre, it’s hard to let go. Plus, my library is already paid for. Okay, that’s not entirely true. Like clothes, I can’t seem to part with some songs even though I no longer listen to them.

Getting my wardrobe in shape. I’m enjoying the process, which surprised me. People say I dress well, but I’ve never taken clothes seriously, preferring to buy what I need when I need it from stores like TJ Maxx, Banana Republic, Uniqlo, Nordstrom Rack, The Gap, and Patagonia. But looks matter. The world is obsessed with beauty. Whether we like it or not, we’re judged by how we look, and we may not get a second chance, so why not give people what they want?

I can’t draw, so I’m experimenting with AI to create cartoons that complement my ideas. Surprisingly good!

Tested ChatGPT’s advanced voice mode—pretty cool feature.

I will be traveling in Japan for the holidays and will be taking a break from writing. The following essay will go out on January 13.

Wishing you a meaningful holiday season.

Keep living,

Ryan

P.S. If you found yourself nodding along—recognizing your own struggles in mine—share this with someone who might need permission to be honest about theirs. Sometimes, the bridge between isolation and connection is simply knowing we’re not the only ones still figuring it out.

Kiki, a 110 lb (50 kg) German Shepherd / American Akita (?) mix. She’s a gentle behemoth and doesn’t stop moving, which is why the photo is blurry.