Beautifully said Ryan. Yep...the..."if only he (she) would act differently, everything will be ok"....syndrome is such an important one to let go. Related to this is the "fixer". When I finally understood that it was not my job to fix my wife or change her behaviour, life became much much simpler for both of us. (I will not confess in public how long it took me to learn that lesson😜...it would not be good for my "oh he is so wise" persona. Let's just say...about as long as your beautiful dog would take to stop looking like Chewbacca).
You, too? I can't tell you how good it feels to learn I'm not alone in resisting and fixing my partners. That's too funny - I love the analogy. I'll confess: it took me 9 years and 10 months. And that's after fifteen years of deep spiritual and healing work and 15 years of self-improvement. I used to be a Fixer and Resister. Then, a Resister, and now, hopefully, a Surrenderer. So far, it's sticking. I'm a slow learner.
"Freedom isn’t out there waiting until everything is just right. It’s already in our willingness to relate to life with an open heart instead of a conditioned mind." Yes! This is so beautifully put, Ryan. It's easy to get caught up in the idea that happiness is something we need to achieve, something that lies in the future. But you're right, it's right here, right now. It's in the way we choose to respond to what life throws our way. It's in the simple act of being present. It's such a powerful reminder, and one I definitely needed to hear today. Thanks for sharing your wisdom with us.
I so appreciate you sharing your hard-won wisdom here, Alex. I needed this reminder, too. How many thousands of hours have I spent thinking, "When this happens, I'll be happy." A talk by Eckhart Tolle reminded me recently, 'Don't believe the mind when it tells you about happiness dependent on time.'
I'm grateful for your thoughtful and insightful comment.
As for the rest ... a great piece Ryan. So true... yet so bloody hard to do. I spend my life trying to mend and fix problems then have a littke moan when I can't. Futile. Which this article reminds me of. But every day I try to get a bit better. Sometimes it works. Today was a gloriously sunny morning and I asked myself how I felt. The answer "I'm feeling super sonic give me gin n tonic" - I think you know the source 🙂🎸🇬🇧
You made me laugh. Was just singing that song yesterday, at least the few lines I know, like that one. Fun to have a shared appreciation. Oh, and I hear you about hard it can be. Lately, I've been asking myself, "Is it a problem that this exists?" So far, the answer has always been no. Good being.
I said "Oh snap, this just wrecked me," and put my coffee down to scratch my forehead.
It was at this part:
The frustration I felt wasn’t because of her but because I believed her behavior was wrong and needed to change. But she wasn’t the problem. My mind’s insistence on labeling her behavior as a problem was the hidden underlying issue at hand.
This kind of thing has been coming up for my husband and I. My husband talks much less than me and I think it's a problem. But not because it is actually a problem, I've just been trained that way. I'm started to see it's not problems, it's just differences and that is ok. Even if I don't understand, it's ok.
I'm glad you stopped mid-newsletter to share this, Sam. It's good to know first-hand that I'm not the only one who resists their partner. It's challenging, isn't it? I read this morning that framed it as "taking responsibility for our emotions" and "not making our partner responsible for our emotions." This frames it.
All the best with moving from problems to be solved to differences to be allowed.
I had a similar thing happen post divorce, but it wasn't about sleep. It was about food. My first husband lived with anorexia. To him, Anorexia was a good friend. To me, it was the third party inserting herself into our relationship against my will. She got him in the divorce. And what I discovered was that I spent the better part of 10 years trying to "fix the problem" and bending all my eating habits around his whims and needs and desires to not eat. I went pescatarian, vegetarian, vegan, and eventually raw. And even though I ate less, I seemed to gain weight. Not a ton, but more than felt comfortable in my skin. there were times I weighed significantly more than him, and as the pixie xsmall woman, that just felt weird.
when we finally divorced, I started eating the way I wanted to eat again. Food was SOOO GOOD! That first year, mealtimes became the most prioritized benchmarks of my day. 3-4 times a day. I relished everything. I ate a lot. and I lost weight. It didn't make sense.
but it make perfect sense.
because I had stopped trying to fix a problem, and I had started just accepting and enjoying food and nourishment for what it was for me.
Beautifully said Ryan. Yep...the..."if only he (she) would act differently, everything will be ok"....syndrome is such an important one to let go. Related to this is the "fixer". When I finally understood that it was not my job to fix my wife or change her behaviour, life became much much simpler for both of us. (I will not confess in public how long it took me to learn that lesson😜...it would not be good for my "oh he is so wise" persona. Let's just say...about as long as your beautiful dog would take to stop looking like Chewbacca).
You, too? I can't tell you how good it feels to learn I'm not alone in resisting and fixing my partners. That's too funny - I love the analogy. I'll confess: it took me 9 years and 10 months. And that's after fifteen years of deep spiritual and healing work and 15 years of self-improvement. I used to be a Fixer and Resister. Then, a Resister, and now, hopefully, a Surrenderer. So far, it's sticking. I'm a slow learner.
Thanks for your honesty and humor.
you see Chewbacca, I see the Ewok Wicket.
I actually see the Lord of the Planet Cute! 🙂
"Freedom isn’t out there waiting until everything is just right. It’s already in our willingness to relate to life with an open heart instead of a conditioned mind." Yes! This is so beautifully put, Ryan. It's easy to get caught up in the idea that happiness is something we need to achieve, something that lies in the future. But you're right, it's right here, right now. It's in the way we choose to respond to what life throws our way. It's in the simple act of being present. It's such a powerful reminder, and one I definitely needed to hear today. Thanks for sharing your wisdom with us.
I so appreciate you sharing your hard-won wisdom here, Alex. I needed this reminder, too. How many thousands of hours have I spent thinking, "When this happens, I'll be happy." A talk by Eckhart Tolle reminded me recently, 'Don't believe the mind when it tells you about happiness dependent on time.'
I'm grateful for your thoughtful and insightful comment.
As for the rest ... a great piece Ryan. So true... yet so bloody hard to do. I spend my life trying to mend and fix problems then have a littke moan when I can't. Futile. Which this article reminds me of. But every day I try to get a bit better. Sometimes it works. Today was a gloriously sunny morning and I asked myself how I felt. The answer "I'm feeling super sonic give me gin n tonic" - I think you know the source 🙂🎸🇬🇧
You made me laugh. Was just singing that song yesterday, at least the few lines I know, like that one. Fun to have a shared appreciation. Oh, and I hear you about hard it can be. Lately, I've been asking myself, "Is it a problem that this exists?" So far, the answer has always been no. Good being.
Good question to ask - need to adopt that.
Kuill
Getting to the most Important point 1st your dog reminds me of "I have spoken " guy from the Mandalorian.
Funny, I can see the similarity. :)
I said "Oh snap, this just wrecked me," and put my coffee down to scratch my forehead.
It was at this part:
The frustration I felt wasn’t because of her but because I believed her behavior was wrong and needed to change. But she wasn’t the problem. My mind’s insistence on labeling her behavior as a problem was the hidden underlying issue at hand.
This kind of thing has been coming up for my husband and I. My husband talks much less than me and I think it's a problem. But not because it is actually a problem, I've just been trained that way. I'm started to see it's not problems, it's just differences and that is ok. Even if I don't understand, it's ok.
Now to finish the rest 😂
I'm glad you stopped mid-newsletter to share this, Sam. It's good to know first-hand that I'm not the only one who resists their partner. It's challenging, isn't it? I read this morning that framed it as "taking responsibility for our emotions" and "not making our partner responsible for our emotions." This frames it.
All the best with moving from problems to be solved to differences to be allowed.
Yes, one million percent this: "taking responsibility for our emotions" and "not making our partner responsible for our emotions."
and interchange partner with literally every human being on the planet. Many people could use that message.
https://photos.app.goo.gl/u6ptBeDrxdPwNZUKA
Well, Hello 🥰
So cute, they’re like twins. 👯
The problem is not the problem.
I had a similar thing happen post divorce, but it wasn't about sleep. It was about food. My first husband lived with anorexia. To him, Anorexia was a good friend. To me, it was the third party inserting herself into our relationship against my will. She got him in the divorce. And what I discovered was that I spent the better part of 10 years trying to "fix the problem" and bending all my eating habits around his whims and needs and desires to not eat. I went pescatarian, vegetarian, vegan, and eventually raw. And even though I ate less, I seemed to gain weight. Not a ton, but more than felt comfortable in my skin. there were times I weighed significantly more than him, and as the pixie xsmall woman, that just felt weird.
when we finally divorced, I started eating the way I wanted to eat again. Food was SOOO GOOD! That first year, mealtimes became the most prioritized benchmarks of my day. 3-4 times a day. I relished everything. I ate a lot. and I lost weight. It didn't make sense.
but it make perfect sense.
because I had stopped trying to fix a problem, and I had started just accepting and enjoying food and nourishment for what it was for me.