The 3 Biggest Mistakes I Used to Make When Setting Boundaries
And what I do now to take care of my needs
Dear friends,
Welcome to another edition of Beyond Self Improvement! If you missed it, here’s last week’s article: Why a California Utopia Backed by Billionaires Won’t Save You (And What Will).
It's hard to set boundaries when you worry about the fallout. This worry often leads to saying "yes" when you want to say "no," leaving you resentful. Inspired by real-life examples and straightforward steps, I’ll break down how to start setting small, firm boundaries without guilt. If you’re new, consider subscribing below to join our growing community and get the next essay direct to your inbox:
Are you caught in the endless cycle of saying "yes" when you desperately want to say “no”?
Boundaries are the unspoken heroes of personal freedom, yet many of us live as if they don't exist, letting others dictate our time and energy. It may be time to break free from your habitual pattern. Discovering the art of saying "no" can change your life, turning everyday interactions into opportunities for growth and self-respect.
This story is about transforming struggle into strength, finding your voice and reclaiming your space.
The Frustrating Reality Most of Us Face
Many of us find ourselves trapped in a cycle of perpetual "yes," a cycle that drains our time, energy, and even our sense of self. The root of this issue lies deep within our psychological makeup—a conflict between the desire to set boundaries and the fear of social repercussions. Our brains are wired to avoid conflict, leading us to agree to commitments that overextend our capacities and infringe on our freedom.
Why I Used to Be Stuck
I realized I was stuck because I made common yet easily avoidable mistakes. Once I understood these missteps, I started taking the right actions to set boundaries for myself.
Here are three of the most significant issues that were holding me back:
1. Fearing rejection or confrontation. My reluctance to set boundaries was deeply entangled with a dread of conflict and rejection. This fear manifested in various aspects of my life, leading to a diminished sense of self-worth.
For example, when I was younger, people frequently said, “You’re so skinny!” I never stood up for myself, leaving me increasingly resentful, angry and helpless. A turning point came when I acknowledged that setting boundaries was vital for my self-esteem. Starting with non-confrontational boundaries, like politely declining invitations, I gradually built the courage to address more significant issues, transforming my fear into empowerment.
I began experimenting with different responses to when people called me skinny. I would say, “So?” Or “You make that sound like a bad thing,” or “I’m not skinny. You’re just fat.” I never actually said the latter, but I thought it. My mom (she’s also thin) once said, “In our culture, it’s not okay to call people fat, but for some reason, skinny people are fair game.” She makes a fair point.
2. Not consistently enforcing boundaries. I noticed I was setting boundaries but not sticking to them, sending mixed signals, and leading others to test or ignore my boundaries.
For instance, I told my coworkers I wasn't checking emails on weekends but occasionally replied, leading to more weekend emails. As a result, my coworkers continued to expect weekend replies, and my time was constantly invaded. To change this pattern, I became consistent. I realized that if I set a boundary, I needed to stick to it.
I communicated my boundaries clearly from the start and prepared myself to reinforce them by reminding others as needed.
3. Letting guilt influence my decisions. I often felt guilty for asserting my needs, which led to prioritizing others' comfort over my well-being.
An example of this was saying yes to family reunions because I felt guilty for not going, even though there were aspects of the reunions I didn’t enjoy, and I wanted more vacation time for myself. Consequently, I ended up feeling resentful, even though I was the one being passive-aggressive.
To address this, I acknowledged that setting boundaries is an act of self-respect and necessary for my health and relationships. I practiced self-compassion, reminded myself of the importance of my well-being, and gradually asserted my boundaries despite guilt. Making these changes wasn't easy, but it was rewarding.
Setting and maintaining boundaries has dramatically improved my quality of life and relationships.
Step-by-Step Guide to Setting Boundaries
Boundaries help safeguard our well-being by defining acceptable and unacceptable behavior from others. Setting boundaries is fundamental to self-care and respect, whether in personal relationships, professional environments, or interactions with acquaintances.
Here’s how to set boundaries effectively:
Self-reflection. Start by understanding your needs, values, and priorities. What matters most to you? It is helpful to distinguish between hard and soft boundaries—those that are non-negotiable and those that are more flexible. Clarity is the foundation of effectiveness.
Define Your Boundaries. You can define your boundaries once you clearly understand your needs and values. These include how much time you're willing to dedicate to work, how you expect to be treated by others, and what kind of commitments you're willing to make.
Communicate Clearly and Assertively: Articulating your boundaries clearly and assertively is crucial. This doesn't mean being aggressive or confrontational. Instead, it's about expressing your needs respectfully and directly. For instance, if you're setting boundaries around work hours, you might say, "I'm committed to delivering high-quality work, which requires me to have dedicated downtime. Therefore, I won't be available for calls or emails after 6 pm on weekdays.”
Start Small. If you're new to setting boundaries, it can be helpful to start small. Begin by asserting smaller boundaries and gradually work up to more significant ones. This approach can help build your confidence and ease in establishing and maintaining boundaries.
Practice Consistency. Consistency is critical to respecting and understanding your needs. If you occasionally let others overstep your boundaries without consequence, it sends mixed signals. Be consistent in upholding your boundaries—and others will learn to respect them.
Handle Pushback With Grace. It’s natural to face resistance or pushback when setting boundaries, especially if it's a new practice for you and those around you. Prepare to stay firm while remaining calm and respectful. Remember, you can’t control others’ reactions but can remain true to your needs.
Example From My Own Life
Let's say I want to set a boundary with a family member who wants to talk on the phone longer than I'm comfortable with. My time is limited, and I'm busy with important projects and spending time with my family.
I must be clear that it is not okay to keep me on the phone longer than I want. So, I tell them, "I like talking to you, but it's not okay to keep me on the phone when I need to go. If you do that, I will hang up.”
How my family member reacts is up to them. They might get upset, or they might understand. What's important is that I stick to my boundaries.
A month later, we talk again. After an hour, I say I need to go, but they try to keep me on the phone longer than I want. They don't respect my boundaries and probably don't realize it's a habit of theirs.
I remind them, "I told you I don't want to be made to feel guilty about hanging up. I have important things to work on, and it's time for dinner. We can talk another time.” Note: Instead of blaming or lecturing them, I use "I" statements, like "I will hang up."
Setting boundaries can be challenging, especially if you’re not used to it. You might feel guilty or think you're being selfish. But it's okay. The more you practice, the easier it will get.
The Courage to Embrace Boundaries
Embarking on the journey of setting boundaries requires courage, especially within close relationships. It's a path fraught with challenges but also rich with rewards. By embracing this practice, you can protect your time, preserve your energy, and live in alignment with your values.
In essence, saying "no" is not just about rejecting unwanted requests; it's about affirming your commitment to your goals, relationships, and personal growth. The act of setting boundaries is a declaration of self-respect and a step towards the life you aspire to lead.
The path is now clear. All you need to do is take that first step. What's it going to be?
Keep protecting your space,
Ryan
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