The timing of your post is incredible. I’ve been struggling for some time now, trying to put together the pieces of the life I’m trying to build post-divorce. Married for more than 40 years, I had no clue who I even was anymore - I only knew who I didn’t want to be. So now you have revealed to me what I couldn’t understand until now - let go of the banana. Just let go.
I'm thrilled to read your comment, Dorene. Learning that the metaphor of letting go of the banana helped you see what you've been clinging to is immensely satisfying. Losing oneself is arguably the most devastating aspect of an unhealthy relationship. I'm heartened to hear you see that you must let go of one thing to make room for another. Of course, easier said than done, but I'm confident you will find a way. 👏🏻
This is the risk with commoditizing one's passions. They become obligations, something to strategize. It's why I still don't ask people to pay for my Substack. Nothing against folks doing this, but for this writer, it robs me of the freedom I find in just writing.
You've also got me wondering about the utility of novelty, as if reminders are not enough. There is so much I desire to remember against the unfathomable backdrop of what remains unknown.
Is it wise for me to churn all my gained knowledge to plant more novel seeds of knowing, considering I will never sow it all in this one brain? Surely, our most educated humans have only grazed the surface of what's knowable.
Is it wiser to stay in this narrow-but-deep space of knowing, letting that much be good enough?
I really don't know. You have me wondering. I doubt I will find an answer.
Your comment leaves me smiling. You're not alone - I'm not sure any of us will be able to answer your inquiry. But I guess that's not the point. The point is to keep inquiring, exploring, and discovering (and re-discovering). Glad the essay sparked something, and I feel grateful for your comment. Oh, and I hear you about the dilemma of monetizing and thus risking commoditizing one's passions, if I understood you correctly. I feel this daily.
Exactly. Way back when I was a club manager for gyms, I had a personal trainer working for me who’s dad was my mechanic. He was a wizard. So was his son.
So I asked this trainer, why don’t you work in your dad’s garage? I’m sure you could make bank here.
His answer stuck me as so insightful for a young man. He said, “I love working on cars too much.”
Thank you Ryan. The dilemma seems to spring from the desire to be the earthworm and simply "be" or to reach out and connect with others...I'm not sure if we can do both at the same time? I've found that more earthworm and less "person" seems the best fit for me right now. I do wonder how people that want to be still and silent seem to have so much to say? But what would I listen to if we all remained silent? How would I know that I'm not alone in my experience if we all remained silent? This is a shared dilemma I think.
This was a great read Ryan because it resonated so deeply with the time of my life I am in now. I finished reading a book called Let It Go - It All Leaves for A Reason.
I've always been a control freak. My mom use to say 'let it go' ALL the time but it was dismissive, not motivational. How can you let go of something you still yearn to understand? Now, at 60 I finally understand what message she was trying to get across. But I don't think you can blindly say 'let it go' and expect your inner world to find peace. This is the work I am passionate about right now. Finding peace. Finding pieces of the hidden self.
I agree that we should only write about our passion because then it is easy..and not work. Our aim is to satisfy ourself at the end of the day. Thank you for this great read to start my day Ryan!
Your words mean a lot to me because you're also deep in the throes of writing and serving others daily. You know the obstacles and challenges intimately.
It's interesting to hear your mom said 'let it go' all the time, but the way she said it had the opposite effect. And now, at 60, you finally understand the intent behind her message.
I don't usually push back on comments, but I think it's warranted here, if only so anyone reading your comment knows I don't share your experience. I've felt peace thousands of times, whether by letting go of something minor or of something I didn't realize I was clinging to that was causing tremendous distress.
But the ability to let go only comes from practicing thousands or millions of times, as Jon Kabat-Zinn writes. My experience confirms this. Regardless, I'm grateful for this and all of your comments.
Can’t tell you how good it feels to read your comment, Stephanie. Writing about this topic was challenging. Because others aren’t writing about this “quiet dilemma,” as you put it, I feel so alone in my conflicted experience.
Thank you for this and the restack. And wishing you clarity as you create.
Thank you for this incredibly real and transparent account of your inner and out experience here, Ryan. This resonates deeply with me, as I know it will with scores of others too, albeit that there will be a fear for many to exclaim it publicly, for all the reasons you’ve described. I’m excited to see where your writing takes you from here, and I suspect it will be incredibly attractive to others as your passion and interest shines through.
I appreciate your heartfelt comment, Paul. I feel seen and validated. Hearing that what I wrote resonated deeply with you is affirming. I'm laughing with a hint of nervousness because one vein I'm considering leaves me wondering, "What if such a mundane, everyday topic underwhelms my readers?" May we all have the courage to risk rejection. Thanks again, my friend.
I have to say I'm guilty of the “Thanks for the reminder” comments but not with the intent of “I already know/heard this”. It is a “Wow, perfect timing”—a light shining on a possible personal truth I need right now—a resonance with some stored-away tidbit.
I needed to hear this, Tania. I was concerned that writing about this part would come across as arrogant and ungrateful, yet I didn't want to shy away from what feels true for me. So, it helps to hear that when someone says "reminder," it doesn't necessarily mean that it has no value. Being reminded of a possible truth may have great value, depending on where we are and what's happening for us. I respect your wisdom and am grateful you shared this. 🤗
Your message today resonates with me deeply. About 4 years ago, I started to fall out of love with writing, and I hated working on my blog. The same blog that I had loved building so much. The same blog that gave me a full-time income. It had become a chore, a prison. I felt like I had to write for search engines and not what I wanted to write. That's when I made a decision to go back to part-time employment. The guaranteed income meant I could write what I wanted and not worry about it making a certain amount of money. A lot of the gurus say, "Don't write for yourself, write what your readers want." And whilst I love it when I can write to specifically help my readers, I must also want to write it. For me, it has to come from my heart; otherwise, what's the point?
Thank you for your honesty in this post. It's needed.
Reading about your experience with this dilemma and what you discovered is immensely helpful. I'm so glad you shared this. I knew I was not the only one torn by this dynamic, wondering how to reconcile it. Your path confirms my thinking as I consider returning to work and writing for the sake of writing, without concern for remuneration. Again, this is super helpful to hear.
I'm glad this essay resonated with your own work and thinking. I find proving/disproving theories from direct personal experience is infinitely compelling.
Leading with the helper really resonates with me. It feels good to help but it has also left me empty because I lost my sense of self. This has showed up in doing work for others businesses when I really just wanted to build my own. We can get so caught up in identities that have been formed on what is acceptable on the outside vs really getting to know ourselves and what feels right on the inside. I love the the simplicity of let it go, all identities are masks that we need to drop to open ourselves up to new possibilities and like you say aliveness!
It feels so good to read your words and have this idea reflected to me through your experience. I feel less alone, and I know what it's like to help build others' businesses while neglecting to do the same for myself. I hope you are choosing yourself. Thanks, Indy. 💛
Always enjoy your thought provoking writing Ryan, always shines a spotlight on my own banana clenching! For me, I think if I was able to just let go I would have peace.
I get very judgey/frustrated with people I see (on phones, driving dangerously, not living healthily) and I would be much happier if I just didn't! Maybe it's a mirror on the self, perfectionism applied to others to allow myself to feel "better than" but I'm not sure it does make me feel better at all. I did read mindfulness is impossible if you criticize others, so I am trying to work on it. A learned behaviour that's difficult to unlearn... Reminders like your writing help me to stay with it!
You're onto something, Kieran. Letting go and mindfulness (awareness) are the two skills that have provided me more peace than any other.
I like your inquiry. It shows you're aware of your frustration/judgment and are actively trying to understand what lies underneath it. I find the more I practice mindfulness, the stiller my mind, the more answers reveal themselves intuitively. Listening to Dharma talks also helps us gain clarity about our behaviors. If this is interesting, DharmaSeed.org is a priceless resource.
Lastly, I disagree that mindfulness is impossible if you criticize others. The point of mindfulness is not to get anywhere or achieve anything, including not criticizing others. Practice alone is the point. As your mind becomes increasingly purified through practice, qualities such as judging others dissolve of their own accord. If you're interested in strengthening your mindfulness, Gil Fronsdal offers a free series here: https://www.audiodharma.org/series/introduction.
First, I'm sorry about Monty. 💞 Second, I'm glad you shared this. I've let go of Notes also. And don't write much here at all. It continually feels more gimmicky and less authentic, people liking and commenting just so others reciprocate. I'm actually considering leaving this space completely. I like worms, becoming one might be a great plan! 😉
Thank you, Nancy. Your comment is simultaneously affirming and saddening. Saddening because I've always appreciated your sincere comments, and I will miss you if you go. And I would understand. Saddening, also, because the dynamic you highlight is an unfortunate and seemingly unavoidable product of social media. I know you will do what's best for you.
By the way, I love the image of the trail in the woods in your profile header—no more satisfying place to be.
So, if you're only going to write about what to let go of, then aren't you going to be writing about everything! ;) haha. What keeps us here is karma, which is directly related to everything we are attached to. You can't remove your karma if you're attached to the things that caused you to accrue the karma in the first place. There is nothing beyond self-improvement except Consummation. Self-improvement is the vehicle, and a huge part of that is letting go, of course. Not letting go of the material things themselves, though. You just have to let go of the attachments to those things. When you've let go of the attachment, then it won't matter what you have or don't have--it's the attachment itself that holds you here. Well, all of this is just my 2 cents. Check out falundafa.org That's where I found my path to return to my original, true self and go back to the origin. :)
You pose an interesting dilemma, Alison. Can we remain an earthworm while putting ourselves "out there?" I may be naive, but I believe it is possible. Many of us are conditioned to view life in black and white, as either-or. But I think it's a mistake to believe that if we want to "be", we must withdraw from life. It seems we're called to discover how to be an earthworm while remaining fully engaged with the "full catastrophe" of life. Regardless of what is possible, I appreciate your inquiry.
The timing of your post is incredible. I’ve been struggling for some time now, trying to put together the pieces of the life I’m trying to build post-divorce. Married for more than 40 years, I had no clue who I even was anymore - I only knew who I didn’t want to be. So now you have revealed to me what I couldn’t understand until now - let go of the banana. Just let go.
I'm thrilled to read your comment, Dorene. Learning that the metaphor of letting go of the banana helped you see what you've been clinging to is immensely satisfying. Losing oneself is arguably the most devastating aspect of an unhealthy relationship. I'm heartened to hear you see that you must let go of one thing to make room for another. Of course, easier said than done, but I'm confident you will find a way. 👏🏻
This is the risk with commoditizing one's passions. They become obligations, something to strategize. It's why I still don't ask people to pay for my Substack. Nothing against folks doing this, but for this writer, it robs me of the freedom I find in just writing.
You've also got me wondering about the utility of novelty, as if reminders are not enough. There is so much I desire to remember against the unfathomable backdrop of what remains unknown.
Is it wise for me to churn all my gained knowledge to plant more novel seeds of knowing, considering I will never sow it all in this one brain? Surely, our most educated humans have only grazed the surface of what's knowable.
Is it wiser to stay in this narrow-but-deep space of knowing, letting that much be good enough?
I really don't know. You have me wondering. I doubt I will find an answer.
Your comment leaves me smiling. You're not alone - I'm not sure any of us will be able to answer your inquiry. But I guess that's not the point. The point is to keep inquiring, exploring, and discovering (and re-discovering). Glad the essay sparked something, and I feel grateful for your comment. Oh, and I hear you about the dilemma of monetizing and thus risking commoditizing one's passions, if I understood you correctly. I feel this daily.
Exactly. Way back when I was a club manager for gyms, I had a personal trainer working for me who’s dad was my mechanic. He was a wizard. So was his son.
So I asked this trainer, why don’t you work in your dad’s garage? I’m sure you could make bank here.
His answer stuck me as so insightful for a young man. He said, “I love working on cars too much.”
That's a brilliant reply, especially for a young man, as you say.
💯
Thank you Ryan. The dilemma seems to spring from the desire to be the earthworm and simply "be" or to reach out and connect with others...I'm not sure if we can do both at the same time? I've found that more earthworm and less "person" seems the best fit for me right now. I do wonder how people that want to be still and silent seem to have so much to say? But what would I listen to if we all remained silent? How would I know that I'm not alone in my experience if we all remained silent? This is a shared dilemma I think.
This was a great read Ryan because it resonated so deeply with the time of my life I am in now. I finished reading a book called Let It Go - It All Leaves for A Reason.
I've always been a control freak. My mom use to say 'let it go' ALL the time but it was dismissive, not motivational. How can you let go of something you still yearn to understand? Now, at 60 I finally understand what message she was trying to get across. But I don't think you can blindly say 'let it go' and expect your inner world to find peace. This is the work I am passionate about right now. Finding peace. Finding pieces of the hidden self.
I agree that we should only write about our passion because then it is easy..and not work. Our aim is to satisfy ourself at the end of the day. Thank you for this great read to start my day Ryan!
Your words mean a lot to me because you're also deep in the throes of writing and serving others daily. You know the obstacles and challenges intimately.
It's interesting to hear your mom said 'let it go' all the time, but the way she said it had the opposite effect. And now, at 60, you finally understand the intent behind her message.
I don't usually push back on comments, but I think it's warranted here, if only so anyone reading your comment knows I don't share your experience. I've felt peace thousands of times, whether by letting go of something minor or of something I didn't realize I was clinging to that was causing tremendous distress.
But the ability to let go only comes from practicing thousands or millions of times, as Jon Kabat-Zinn writes. My experience confirms this. Regardless, I'm grateful for this and all of your comments.
This was an incredibly exceptional post that spoke to the quiet dilemma so many of us are facing but not speaking about. Thank you @Ryan Delaney 🙏
Can’t tell you how good it feels to read your comment, Stephanie. Writing about this topic was challenging. Because others aren’t writing about this “quiet dilemma,” as you put it, I feel so alone in my conflicted experience.
Thank you for this and the restack. And wishing you clarity as you create.
Glad it meant something because trust me when I say, I’m feeling it too.
Thank you for this incredibly real and transparent account of your inner and out experience here, Ryan. This resonates deeply with me, as I know it will with scores of others too, albeit that there will be a fear for many to exclaim it publicly, for all the reasons you’ve described. I’m excited to see where your writing takes you from here, and I suspect it will be incredibly attractive to others as your passion and interest shines through.
I appreciate your heartfelt comment, Paul. I feel seen and validated. Hearing that what I wrote resonated deeply with you is affirming. I'm laughing with a hint of nervousness because one vein I'm considering leaves me wondering, "What if such a mundane, everyday topic underwhelms my readers?" May we all have the courage to risk rejection. Thanks again, my friend.
I have to say I'm guilty of the “Thanks for the reminder” comments but not with the intent of “I already know/heard this”. It is a “Wow, perfect timing”—a light shining on a possible personal truth I need right now—a resonance with some stored-away tidbit.
I needed to hear this, Tania. I was concerned that writing about this part would come across as arrogant and ungrateful, yet I didn't want to shy away from what feels true for me. So, it helps to hear that when someone says "reminder," it doesn't necessarily mean that it has no value. Being reminded of a possible truth may have great value, depending on where we are and what's happening for us. I respect your wisdom and am grateful you shared this. 🤗
Your message today resonates with me deeply. About 4 years ago, I started to fall out of love with writing, and I hated working on my blog. The same blog that I had loved building so much. The same blog that gave me a full-time income. It had become a chore, a prison. I felt like I had to write for search engines and not what I wanted to write. That's when I made a decision to go back to part-time employment. The guaranteed income meant I could write what I wanted and not worry about it making a certain amount of money. A lot of the gurus say, "Don't write for yourself, write what your readers want." And whilst I love it when I can write to specifically help my readers, I must also want to write it. For me, it has to come from my heart; otherwise, what's the point?
Thank you for your honesty in this post. It's needed.
Reading about your experience with this dilemma and what you discovered is immensely helpful. I'm so glad you shared this. I knew I was not the only one torn by this dynamic, wondering how to reconcile it. Your path confirms my thinking as I consider returning to work and writing for the sake of writing, without concern for remuneration. Again, this is super helpful to hear.
Thank you for an excellent piece. Your writing resonates with what I think about and work on. Love the personal mixed with the theoretical.
Sorry for the loss of your dog.
I'm glad this essay resonated with your own work and thinking. I find proving/disproving theories from direct personal experience is infinitely compelling.
Thank you - I appreciate that. 🙏🏻
“Drop the banana” is so much more metal than “let it go” I love it.
I haven't heard the word 'metal' in this context, and I love it. Thanks, Sean. 🙏🏻
Definitely a favorite adjective of mine 😆
This is vulnerable, but a courageous writing my friend. And what moves me most is the earthworm's simplicity, "let go".
Thank you for this truth.
🙏🙏
Your affirming words feel good. Interestingly, another reader emailed to say the “earthworm” reference stood out for her, too.
Grateful for your thoughtfulness. 🤗
🙏🙏
Leading with the helper really resonates with me. It feels good to help but it has also left me empty because I lost my sense of self. This has showed up in doing work for others businesses when I really just wanted to build my own. We can get so caught up in identities that have been formed on what is acceptable on the outside vs really getting to know ourselves and what feels right on the inside. I love the the simplicity of let it go, all identities are masks that we need to drop to open ourselves up to new possibilities and like you say aliveness!
It feels so good to read your words and have this idea reflected to me through your experience. I feel less alone, and I know what it's like to help build others' businesses while neglecting to do the same for myself. I hope you are choosing yourself. Thanks, Indy. 💛
Always enjoy your thought provoking writing Ryan, always shines a spotlight on my own banana clenching! For me, I think if I was able to just let go I would have peace.
I get very judgey/frustrated with people I see (on phones, driving dangerously, not living healthily) and I would be much happier if I just didn't! Maybe it's a mirror on the self, perfectionism applied to others to allow myself to feel "better than" but I'm not sure it does make me feel better at all. I did read mindfulness is impossible if you criticize others, so I am trying to work on it. A learned behaviour that's difficult to unlearn... Reminders like your writing help me to stay with it!
You're onto something, Kieran. Letting go and mindfulness (awareness) are the two skills that have provided me more peace than any other.
I like your inquiry. It shows you're aware of your frustration/judgment and are actively trying to understand what lies underneath it. I find the more I practice mindfulness, the stiller my mind, the more answers reveal themselves intuitively. Listening to Dharma talks also helps us gain clarity about our behaviors. If this is interesting, DharmaSeed.org is a priceless resource.
Lastly, I disagree that mindfulness is impossible if you criticize others. The point of mindfulness is not to get anywhere or achieve anything, including not criticizing others. Practice alone is the point. As your mind becomes increasingly purified through practice, qualities such as judging others dissolve of their own accord. If you're interested in strengthening your mindfulness, Gil Fronsdal offers a free series here: https://www.audiodharma.org/series/introduction.
Keep going.
First, I'm sorry about Monty. 💞 Second, I'm glad you shared this. I've let go of Notes also. And don't write much here at all. It continually feels more gimmicky and less authentic, people liking and commenting just so others reciprocate. I'm actually considering leaving this space completely. I like worms, becoming one might be a great plan! 😉
Thank you, Nancy. Your comment is simultaneously affirming and saddening. Saddening because I've always appreciated your sincere comments, and I will miss you if you go. And I would understand. Saddening, also, because the dynamic you highlight is an unfortunate and seemingly unavoidable product of social media. I know you will do what's best for you.
By the way, I love the image of the trail in the woods in your profile header—no more satisfying place to be.
So, if you're only going to write about what to let go of, then aren't you going to be writing about everything! ;) haha. What keeps us here is karma, which is directly related to everything we are attached to. You can't remove your karma if you're attached to the things that caused you to accrue the karma in the first place. There is nothing beyond self-improvement except Consummation. Self-improvement is the vehicle, and a huge part of that is letting go, of course. Not letting go of the material things themselves, though. You just have to let go of the attachments to those things. When you've let go of the attachment, then it won't matter what you have or don't have--it's the attachment itself that holds you here. Well, all of this is just my 2 cents. Check out falundafa.org That's where I found my path to return to my original, true self and go back to the origin. :)
Hi, Barbara. Thank you so much for sharing your hard-won wisdom (and how you realized it) with all of us. I'm glad you're here.
You pose an interesting dilemma, Alison. Can we remain an earthworm while putting ourselves "out there?" I may be naive, but I believe it is possible. Many of us are conditioned to view life in black and white, as either-or. But I think it's a mistake to believe that if we want to "be", we must withdraw from life. It seems we're called to discover how to be an earthworm while remaining fully engaged with the "full catastrophe" of life. Regardless of what is possible, I appreciate your inquiry.