In my opinion, this is the number one, most important, most powerful relationship learning:
"But the biggest realization is that I've resisted Kie to avoid painful feelings. Rather than learning to be with my feelings, I've been trying to get Kie to change so the feelings don't arise in the first place."
I'm so glad this landed and that you highlighted it, Kelly. You caught what has been the biggest realization for me. It's funny and seems so obvious in retrospect...but not when I was entangled (strangled) in fear and confusion. I feel seen, thank you. Now, I hope anyone who reads this contemplates it deeply.
I can relate to that sense that it's obvious now and the opposite was obvious then. It's humbling. If something I was once so certain about I could have been so wrong about, what right do I have to ever cling to my certainty again?
I'm laughing. 😂 Yes, it is humbling and illuminating, once again pointing back to what is true - that all is uncertain. Oh, how I crave certainty. Alas...
“Understanding why someone does the annoying thing they do magically makes it less irritating.”
Does this one work with the age old problem of how people e load a dishwasher? I’ve tried to explain my why, and Hobbit just says “let me do it my way”
Surrender. Let him do it his way. Cuz it really doesn’t matter.
What does matter is how he holds me when he’s be been stuck in depression phase on the couch after a bout of no sun winter days, or the way he lets our dog take up his side of the bed, or the pictures he takes of me when I’m not looking and sends to me to show me he loves me when I’m not paying attention.
I still say the bowls go face down on the top rack.
Update. I had the dishwasher conversation today! Got my Hobbit to stop and listen about why I “micromanage” his dishwasher loading approach or why I rearrange the dishwasher after he loads it.
He listened and said,”that makes so much sense.”
I hope we will both be less irritated by the dishwasher now.
Btw, hobbit has a thing about the sound of dishwashers. He loves it. Says the sound is soothing. So much so that he made a song about it.
Wow, that's amazing! I love the sound of a dishwasher, too, along with Hobbit's song—very cool. Someone created a name for it, and I forget what it is.
I love hearing the sweet reminders of what we appreciate about our partners. Practicing appreciation is as vital as practicing surrender. And, yes, bowls definitely go face-down in the top rack. ;)
Ryan, I think you’ve hit on a critical area of relationship. It’s sort of like a little button that connects to all the more important mechanisms. Food garbage in the sink with the dishes isn’t important (yuck!), but the feeling that my partner must not care about me because she’s not thinking about me when she leaves her unwiped spills on the countertop; that goes deeper to the issue!
My partner keeps leaving her shoes in front of my side of the bifold closet door. I can’t get the door open unless I move her shoes. It’s like a daily reminder that she’s not thinking about me. Ouch!
It’s a difficult thing to write about because no one wants to expose their partner’s flaws for all to read about, or to sound petty or judgmental. Or unaware that we all have our idiosyncrasies.
It’s definitely a good opportunity to practice, on a daily basis, letting go. And practice observing one’s own thought processes, and how expectations and insecurities can lead to intolerance, etc..
Your words are lovely, insightful and appreciated, Don. I feel seen.
You nailed it—the sense that one doesn't care or is not thinking of us, even though we know intellectually they do.
And you're right. I didn't write this for many months because I was concerned about what it may say about her or me. I let her know that her willingness to have this published is helping people.
Yes, observing, letting go, surrendering, accepting, and stopping the war.
I'm grateful for your thoughtful and articulate comment.
"But the biggest realization is that I've resisted Kie to avoid painful feelings. Rather than learning to be with my feelings, I've been trying to get Kie to change so the feelings don't arise in the first place." This is so beautiful. I'm just starting to become adept at doing this in my personal life, and I can only imagine how effective it is romantically, as well.
You picked up on the critical realization for me, Derek. It's heartening to hear you're practicing surrender in your personal life. If I'm aware enough, I'll revisit these stories and share how "surrender" plays out in my relationship. I'm grateful for your comment. Keep up the skillful inquiry.
Thank you for your input. I recognize that we’re stuck in a negative cycle, and with my oxytocin levels at an all-time low, I feel defeated. Maybe that’s why your suggestion to wait for the moment when my true self can emerge feels so hard to accept right now. It’s difficult being at the mercy of someone whose coping mechanisms don’t consider my needs. People in polyamorous relationships have options—I don’t. But since everything is temporary, this will eventually change. It is what it is. As the song says, ‘people change, seasons change.’
I hear you're in pain, Tam. I know how difficult relationships can be. You're becoming a conscious being and that will serve you more than anything. Keep exploring and showing up.
I hesitated to comment, fearing I’d be seen as keeping score. But accepting everything without question puts me at risk of losing myself, of becoming someone I no longer recognize. When coping mechanisms make me feel invisible and push me to seek authentic connection outside our relationship, it leaves me wondering what the point is in continuing together.💔
Rather than accepting blindly, we accept with eyes wide open. We can accept something without liking it in the same way that we "agree to disagree." Focusing so much on my partner caused me to lose myself to a degree. But turning the focus back on me is bringing me back to myself. And if my partner (or others) does something that is unacceptable, I say it clearly, directly and forcefully, if needed.
I’m glad you commented, I am struggling with similar concepts. While on one hand, “accepting “ is an incredibly beautiful, peaceful way to be, there are those times I say wait, but what about “my” needs?
I recently became aware of a quote from Eckhart Tolle as follows:
“To offer no resistance to life is to be in a state of grace, ease, and lightness. This state is no longer dependent upon things being in a certain way, good or bad.”
This quote has offered me a great deal of peace and a tool, if you will, to use when I feel the urge to judge a situation such as having a struggle with “accepting” another’s actions or words.
My question or uncertainty centers around being instructed as a child that everyone else’s feelings, needs, wants, and happiness is dependent on them being first, and me being second, or third, or last. That was the “right thing to do.” Unfortunately I have carried that instruction forward all these decades.
So, “accepting” someone’s hurtful action or words sounds too much like this is “the right thing to do” and I am invisible as you mention, and I too have said “why am I continuing?”
I am slowly learning, staying committed to remaining open to listening, and finding some peace in understanding the path for my being will appear - there is no reason to place “time” in it.
As to Ryan’s sharing and observation, I too have felt a small change in her, and our relationship, just by my choosing to see her (accepting) as she is and stop “wanting” her to be different.
That's a beautiful quote. If it's helping you, trust it. Sounds like you grew up in a family with enmeshment and lack of boundaries. Everyone needs boundaries and what they deem acceptable and unacceptable, which requires knowing and trusting ourselves. Openness without boundaries is not openness because everything must have its equal and opposite.
Thank you, Ryan, for your encouragement as well as more insight for me. “Enmeshment;” something I never heard of which now has me doing a little more introspection (I was definitely over-protected until the day I turned 18 and could leave - which I did. However I had (and still don’t apparently) no idea about me or the world so those first few years were mind blowing and overwhelming- now I see, my “coping” response was what I had been taught.)
“Boundaries;” something I have never had, and keep hearing about.
I'm glad there's more here for you to consider and contemplate. I'm forever learning, too. Thank you, I will. In the meantime, I wish you two unhurried weeks.
Great post needed to hear this at this point in my life, pre-seven years ago, I had no boundaries and happiness was bliss. Though after learning to make boundaries in my life, I feel like I overcompensated and am overly critical of others now. so reading this hopefully can help me to start thinking about finding the middle ground myself.
I'm glad this landed for you now. Much of the conversation about boundaries centers on good guys and bad guys and how boundaries keep the bad guys out. But this message is dangerous at worst, misguided at best. Boundaries are about us, not others. They're meant to protect our wellbeing based on what we're willing and unwilling to tolerate. Behavior is the concern, not people. Of course, some people are so difficult that we may need to cut off all contact, but that's the exception not the rule.
Yep u hit it on the head, it is dangerous. Just came out of a dark period. When you start looking out for enemies everywhere you start finding them everywhere.
I recently learned to surrender to my perspective of a situation that happened that affected how I viewed my friend. I struggled with it for most is 2023 and tainted most things in my life at the time. Something I read jumped out at me - you don’t know what was happening in that person’s life at the time that caused the situation. Just like that, my perspective changed and how I feel is mine to handle. This resonated with me. Thank you.
Smiled reading this, Ryan. I think many couples can relate to some version of this disparity.
But I laughed out loud at the notion that acceptance of another leads to that other changing. I’m guessing that’s a placeholder for what really happens. It’s the acceptance that is the change, right?
In my life, my wife’s default mode is quite similar. After nearly two decades together, many heated conversations early on, thousands of hours in meditation for both of us, endless hours with counselors, we seems to have settle into a gentle middle place.
She understands that there are infractions to order that create deep adversity for me, and I’ve leaned to chill the F out. But we don’t always get it right. We both fail all the time. Thankfully, these days, it rarely requires a dust up between us.
But there is always passive aggression, because that’s super helpful.
I'm glad you laughed out loud about the other changing part. If that's the intention or expectation, it's something different than surrender. Maybe manipulation.
I like that "gentle middle place. " Isn't it remarkable that it takes two decades to manifest this? I joke that I have another 5-10 years of making a mess before I "figure this out."
"Infractions to order." I'm male and can relate. I like Jordan Peterson's book title, "Beyond Order," but I have yet to read it. This also reminds me of David Deida describing men as having a bottle of mustard and a few batteries in the fridge while the outside of a woman's fridge is covered in stuff because women live in the fullness of life.
Above all, I love laughter. Thank you for the last line.
In my opinion, this is the number one, most important, most powerful relationship learning:
"But the biggest realization is that I've resisted Kie to avoid painful feelings. Rather than learning to be with my feelings, I've been trying to get Kie to change so the feelings don't arise in the first place."
Thank you for articulating it so well, Ryan!
I'm so glad this landed and that you highlighted it, Kelly. You caught what has been the biggest realization for me. It's funny and seems so obvious in retrospect...but not when I was entangled (strangled) in fear and confusion. I feel seen, thank you. Now, I hope anyone who reads this contemplates it deeply.
I can relate to that sense that it's obvious now and the opposite was obvious then. It's humbling. If something I was once so certain about I could have been so wrong about, what right do I have to ever cling to my certainty again?
I'm laughing. 😂 Yes, it is humbling and illuminating, once again pointing back to what is true - that all is uncertain. Oh, how I crave certainty. Alas...
“Understanding why someone does the annoying thing they do magically makes it less irritating.”
Does this one work with the age old problem of how people e load a dishwasher? I’ve tried to explain my why, and Hobbit just says “let me do it my way”
Surrender. Let him do it his way. Cuz it really doesn’t matter.
What does matter is how he holds me when he’s be been stuck in depression phase on the couch after a bout of no sun winter days, or the way he lets our dog take up his side of the bed, or the pictures he takes of me when I’m not looking and sends to me to show me he loves me when I’m not paying attention.
I still say the bowls go face down on the top rack.
Update. I had the dishwasher conversation today! Got my Hobbit to stop and listen about why I “micromanage” his dishwasher loading approach or why I rearrange the dishwasher after he loads it.
He listened and said,”that makes so much sense.”
I hope we will both be less irritated by the dishwasher now.
Btw, hobbit has a thing about the sound of dishwashers. He loves it. Says the sound is soothing. So much so that he made a song about it.
https://open.spotify.com/album/6q1NkqxDoexoSakTdSlXpf?si=kU9FT2CKSEK79YqCsSommQ
Wow, that's amazing! I love the sound of a dishwasher, too, along with Hobbit's song—very cool. Someone created a name for it, and I forget what it is.
I love hearing the sweet reminders of what we appreciate about our partners. Practicing appreciation is as vital as practicing surrender. And, yes, bowls definitely go face-down in the top rack. ;)
beautiful 🌹🌻🌸💐💚💜❤️🌼😍🥰
Thanks, Mr. Ma. I like the emojis you chose. :)
Ryan, I think you’ve hit on a critical area of relationship. It’s sort of like a little button that connects to all the more important mechanisms. Food garbage in the sink with the dishes isn’t important (yuck!), but the feeling that my partner must not care about me because she’s not thinking about me when she leaves her unwiped spills on the countertop; that goes deeper to the issue!
My partner keeps leaving her shoes in front of my side of the bifold closet door. I can’t get the door open unless I move her shoes. It’s like a daily reminder that she’s not thinking about me. Ouch!
It’s a difficult thing to write about because no one wants to expose their partner’s flaws for all to read about, or to sound petty or judgmental. Or unaware that we all have our idiosyncrasies.
It’s definitely a good opportunity to practice, on a daily basis, letting go. And practice observing one’s own thought processes, and how expectations and insecurities can lead to intolerance, etc..
Big subject! Thanks for daring to address it. 🙏💚
Your words are lovely, insightful and appreciated, Don. I feel seen.
You nailed it—the sense that one doesn't care or is not thinking of us, even though we know intellectually they do.
And you're right. I didn't write this for many months because I was concerned about what it may say about her or me. I let her know that her willingness to have this published is helping people.
Yes, observing, letting go, surrendering, accepting, and stopping the war.
I'm grateful for your thoughtful and articulate comment.
"But the biggest realization is that I've resisted Kie to avoid painful feelings. Rather than learning to be with my feelings, I've been trying to get Kie to change so the feelings don't arise in the first place." This is so beautiful. I'm just starting to become adept at doing this in my personal life, and I can only imagine how effective it is romantically, as well.
You picked up on the critical realization for me, Derek. It's heartening to hear you're practicing surrender in your personal life. If I'm aware enough, I'll revisit these stories and share how "surrender" plays out in my relationship. I'm grateful for your comment. Keep up the skillful inquiry.
Thank you for your input. I recognize that we’re stuck in a negative cycle, and with my oxytocin levels at an all-time low, I feel defeated. Maybe that’s why your suggestion to wait for the moment when my true self can emerge feels so hard to accept right now. It’s difficult being at the mercy of someone whose coping mechanisms don’t consider my needs. People in polyamorous relationships have options—I don’t. But since everything is temporary, this will eventually change. It is what it is. As the song says, ‘people change, seasons change.’
I hear you're in pain, Tam. I know how difficult relationships can be. You're becoming a conscious being and that will serve you more than anything. Keep exploring and showing up.
I overly appreciate your empathy. ❣️
Seriously…
😂
I hesitated to comment, fearing I’d be seen as keeping score. But accepting everything without question puts me at risk of losing myself, of becoming someone I no longer recognize. When coping mechanisms make me feel invisible and push me to seek authentic connection outside our relationship, it leaves me wondering what the point is in continuing together.💔
Rather than accepting blindly, we accept with eyes wide open. We can accept something without liking it in the same way that we "agree to disagree." Focusing so much on my partner caused me to lose myself to a degree. But turning the focus back on me is bringing me back to myself. And if my partner (or others) does something that is unacceptable, I say it clearly, directly and forcefully, if needed.
I’m glad you commented, I am struggling with similar concepts. While on one hand, “accepting “ is an incredibly beautiful, peaceful way to be, there are those times I say wait, but what about “my” needs?
I recently became aware of a quote from Eckhart Tolle as follows:
“To offer no resistance to life is to be in a state of grace, ease, and lightness. This state is no longer dependent upon things being in a certain way, good or bad.”
This quote has offered me a great deal of peace and a tool, if you will, to use when I feel the urge to judge a situation such as having a struggle with “accepting” another’s actions or words.
My question or uncertainty centers around being instructed as a child that everyone else’s feelings, needs, wants, and happiness is dependent on them being first, and me being second, or third, or last. That was the “right thing to do.” Unfortunately I have carried that instruction forward all these decades.
So, “accepting” someone’s hurtful action or words sounds too much like this is “the right thing to do” and I am invisible as you mention, and I too have said “why am I continuing?”
I am slowly learning, staying committed to remaining open to listening, and finding some peace in understanding the path for my being will appear - there is no reason to place “time” in it.
As to Ryan’s sharing and observation, I too have felt a small change in her, and our relationship, just by my choosing to see her (accepting) as she is and stop “wanting” her to be different.
So there’s that!!
That's a beautiful quote. If it's helping you, trust it. Sounds like you grew up in a family with enmeshment and lack of boundaries. Everyone needs boundaries and what they deem acceptable and unacceptable, which requires knowing and trusting ourselves. Openness without boundaries is not openness because everything must have its equal and opposite.
Thank you, Ryan, for your encouragement as well as more insight for me. “Enmeshment;” something I never heard of which now has me doing a little more introspection (I was definitely over-protected until the day I turned 18 and could leave - which I did. However I had (and still don’t apparently) no idea about me or the world so those first few years were mind blowing and overwhelming- now I see, my “coping” response was what I had been taught.)
“Boundaries;” something I have never had, and keep hearing about.
You’ve given me a great deal to ponder.
I wish you a wonderful two weeks away!
❤️😊
I'm glad there's more here for you to consider and contemplate. I'm forever learning, too. Thank you, I will. In the meantime, I wish you two unhurried weeks.
This is a post that continues to show the power of acceptance.
When you fully start to accept WHAT IS, it allows you to let go of that aversion.
And it's definitely a lifelong process.
I appreciate your confirmation, Jimmy. Acceptance sure is an ongoing practice.
Could you believe I saw this in my inbox right as I was journaling on this topic? Insane.
Thank you for being the vehicle for my work, at this right now moment.
That is insane, Justin! And yet unsurprising based on what I know about you. :) Appreciate you sharing this.
Great post needed to hear this at this point in my life, pre-seven years ago, I had no boundaries and happiness was bliss. Though after learning to make boundaries in my life, I feel like I overcompensated and am overly critical of others now. so reading this hopefully can help me to start thinking about finding the middle ground myself.
I'm glad this landed for you now. Much of the conversation about boundaries centers on good guys and bad guys and how boundaries keep the bad guys out. But this message is dangerous at worst, misguided at best. Boundaries are about us, not others. They're meant to protect our wellbeing based on what we're willing and unwilling to tolerate. Behavior is the concern, not people. Of course, some people are so difficult that we may need to cut off all contact, but that's the exception not the rule.
Yep u hit it on the head, it is dangerous. Just came out of a dark period. When you start looking out for enemies everywhere you start finding them everywhere.
Phew, I'm glad you're coming out the other side.
surrendering is an interesting one. I believe that our reaction shapes our reality. I guess in relationship discussions surrounding can be magical. 🪄
Big hug
PS If you still need people for your project, let me know. 👍❤️
I agree; the more I fight what is, the more I suffer and the less peaceful and contented I am. Yes! Please book a call with me after October 26.
The Shiba Inu is the icing on the cake for this writing. Thanks for sharing, Ryan, looking forward to your next piece!
Puts a smile on my face, Qi. Glad you liked it. ☺️
I recently learned to surrender to my perspective of a situation that happened that affected how I viewed my friend. I struggled with it for most is 2023 and tainted most things in my life at the time. Something I read jumped out at me - you don’t know what was happening in that person’s life at the time that caused the situation. Just like that, my perspective changed and how I feel is mine to handle. This resonated with me. Thank you.
What a powerful experience, Jan. You know firsthand what it's like to struggle and then surrender. It's a life-changing skill, isn't it?
Smiled reading this, Ryan. I think many couples can relate to some version of this disparity.
But I laughed out loud at the notion that acceptance of another leads to that other changing. I’m guessing that’s a placeholder for what really happens. It’s the acceptance that is the change, right?
In my life, my wife’s default mode is quite similar. After nearly two decades together, many heated conversations early on, thousands of hours in meditation for both of us, endless hours with counselors, we seems to have settle into a gentle middle place.
She understands that there are infractions to order that create deep adversity for me, and I’ve leaned to chill the F out. But we don’t always get it right. We both fail all the time. Thankfully, these days, it rarely requires a dust up between us.
But there is always passive aggression, because that’s super helpful.
I'm glad you laughed out loud about the other changing part. If that's the intention or expectation, it's something different than surrender. Maybe manipulation.
I like that "gentle middle place. " Isn't it remarkable that it takes two decades to manifest this? I joke that I have another 5-10 years of making a mess before I "figure this out."
"Infractions to order." I'm male and can relate. I like Jordan Peterson's book title, "Beyond Order," but I have yet to read it. This also reminds me of David Deida describing men as having a bottle of mustard and a few batteries in the fridge while the outside of a woman's fridge is covered in stuff because women live in the fullness of life.
Above all, I love laughter. Thank you for the last line.