This piece is powerful as it identifies something I know about myself but have chosen to ignore. As I grapple with recovery from addiction, I have tried to lean in and build relationships. But more than one person suggested I need to be more vulnerable, open, and honest in my sharing. "Come in, sit all the way down," and allow the process to unfold. That, however, is entirely counter to my intuition, which is to keep a distance, be cautious, and keep things close. I'll bring this topic up with my therapist this week, but I want to thank you for helping me identify and name this part of my self.
Wow, comments like yours are why I write, even when I don’t want to. I hear your fear around being open and vulnerable. It takes great courage and trust to begin revealing that which we’ve been running from our whole lives. I’m so happy this helped you know yourself better, and I’m excited for the healing you’re doing. Keep up the inner work.
You've brought an important topic for us to make our lives better. Initially life is built on interdependence because we cannot live without each other. We are complete with our relationship with others.
Truama is part of life because almost everyone passes through it. Through interdependence we can show our vulnerability thereby paving way for healing because when we share our troubles with others it relives us of our pain especially when we listen and empathize with us. Lovely steps you gave
Your comment is so beautifully written, Precious. I couldn’t agree more that we are harmed by others and others are vital to healing. As you say, being heard with empathy heals us. Grateful for your wisdom.
This resonates with me deeply, I’m also focused on being self-reliant due to fear of being disappointed. It’s a hard pattern to break as I feel betrayal and egocentricity are so common these days. A great article!
I'm glad this mirrored your experience. It is a hard pattern to break because it requires risking vulnerability, disappointment, and being sent back to when our hearts were broken as children. One baby step at a time.
I agree, it’s a difficult pattern to break. But every smallest experience of being able to actually share some of the load we carry with others and see that there’s actually people who enjoy being there for you, can be so freeing and soothing!
This post speaks to me in a powerful way. I’ll try to copy and save it, so if it’s ever taken down I will still have a copy! Is this comment section visible to everyone? Or just to the author and to me? Thank you for writing on this topic today!
Well done handling such a huge topic; you've summarized it great! Thank you for writing about this! Grieving was an integral part of my trauma process as a hyper-independent and parentified child. Grieving is a crucial aspect of self-processing and trauma processing.
We do not grieve only what happened to us; we also need to grieve what didn't happen to us.
The missing trust, the missing childhood, and the missing life we deserved never showed up.
Most of the time, we can rationalize and intellectualize what happened to us by taking the first step into introspection, but healing truly begins when we allow ourselves to feel all the pain we have accumulated in our bodies and hearts.
It's the challenging part of unlocking this stuck energy that keeps us frozen. That's where awareness begins to manifest. As you noted, you need support during this process; seek therapy that meets your healing needs. As you said so wonderfully, we need each other; we are interconnected!
I really appreciate you sharing all of this, Katerina. It feels good to hear your story of recovering from what you did (but didn't want) and didn't get as a child. I share your sentiment that grieving all the suppressed pain is necessary for healing and finding relief. May we all continue to heal and reclaim our original nature.
I went into therapy because of an “autonomy” conflict. Being hyper-independent on the one hand but at the same time the ultimate people-pleaser to everyone around me.
One thing I am still struggling with is the feeling of guilt and self-blame when being vulnerable and opening up. I feel like a burden. I know that’s a pattern as well.
So probably there is not only the lack of trust but also an aspect of not wanting to be of any trouble to anyone in being hyper-independent.
But the one thing I can say for sure is that the huge pressure and stress that comes with hyper-independence and self-reliance can be lifted by finding the right people to share life’s up and downs with mutually ☺️ It just takes a little courage and small steps to dip your toes into.
Thanks for your vulnerability here, Fabienne. Your path and share are beautiful and heartening. The feeling of being a burden comes from the shame of unworthiness. Ironically, the greatest gift we can offer others is our vulnerability and holding space for others' vulnerability, as my friend tweeted today (https://x.com/DrBobBeare/status/1794745362009239995). Courage and small steps, as you say.
This piece is powerful as it identifies something I know about myself but have chosen to ignore. As I grapple with recovery from addiction, I have tried to lean in and build relationships. But more than one person suggested I need to be more vulnerable, open, and honest in my sharing. "Come in, sit all the way down," and allow the process to unfold. That, however, is entirely counter to my intuition, which is to keep a distance, be cautious, and keep things close. I'll bring this topic up with my therapist this week, but I want to thank you for helping me identify and name this part of my self.
Wow, comments like yours are why I write, even when I don’t want to. I hear your fear around being open and vulnerable. It takes great courage and trust to begin revealing that which we’ve been running from our whole lives. I’m so happy this helped you know yourself better, and I’m excited for the healing you’re doing. Keep up the inner work.
You've brought an important topic for us to make our lives better. Initially life is built on interdependence because we cannot live without each other. We are complete with our relationship with others.
Truama is part of life because almost everyone passes through it. Through interdependence we can show our vulnerability thereby paving way for healing because when we share our troubles with others it relives us of our pain especially when we listen and empathize with us. Lovely steps you gave
Your comment is so beautifully written, Precious. I couldn’t agree more that we are harmed by others and others are vital to healing. As you say, being heard with empathy heals us. Grateful for your wisdom.
This resonates with me deeply, I’m also focused on being self-reliant due to fear of being disappointed. It’s a hard pattern to break as I feel betrayal and egocentricity are so common these days. A great article!
I'm glad this mirrored your experience. It is a hard pattern to break because it requires risking vulnerability, disappointment, and being sent back to when our hearts were broken as children. One baby step at a time.
I agree, it’s a difficult pattern to break. But every smallest experience of being able to actually share some of the load we carry with others and see that there’s actually people who enjoy being there for you, can be so freeing and soothing!
Agree 100%, dear Fabienne!
This post speaks to me in a powerful way. I’ll try to copy and save it, so if it’s ever taken down I will still have a copy! Is this comment section visible to everyone? Or just to the author and to me? Thank you for writing on this topic today!
Well done handling such a huge topic; you've summarized it great! Thank you for writing about this! Grieving was an integral part of my trauma process as a hyper-independent and parentified child. Grieving is a crucial aspect of self-processing and trauma processing.
We do not grieve only what happened to us; we also need to grieve what didn't happen to us.
The missing trust, the missing childhood, and the missing life we deserved never showed up.
Most of the time, we can rationalize and intellectualize what happened to us by taking the first step into introspection, but healing truly begins when we allow ourselves to feel all the pain we have accumulated in our bodies and hearts.
It's the challenging part of unlocking this stuck energy that keeps us frozen. That's where awareness begins to manifest. As you noted, you need support during this process; seek therapy that meets your healing needs. As you said so wonderfully, we need each other; we are interconnected!
I really appreciate you sharing all of this, Katerina. It feels good to hear your story of recovering from what you did (but didn't want) and didn't get as a child. I share your sentiment that grieving all the suppressed pain is necessary for healing and finding relief. May we all continue to heal and reclaim our original nature.
I went into therapy because of an “autonomy” conflict. Being hyper-independent on the one hand but at the same time the ultimate people-pleaser to everyone around me.
One thing I am still struggling with is the feeling of guilt and self-blame when being vulnerable and opening up. I feel like a burden. I know that’s a pattern as well.
So probably there is not only the lack of trust but also an aspect of not wanting to be of any trouble to anyone in being hyper-independent.
But the one thing I can say for sure is that the huge pressure and stress that comes with hyper-independence and self-reliance can be lifted by finding the right people to share life’s up and downs with mutually ☺️ It just takes a little courage and small steps to dip your toes into.
Thanks for your vulnerability here, Fabienne. Your path and share are beautiful and heartening. The feeling of being a burden comes from the shame of unworthiness. Ironically, the greatest gift we can offer others is our vulnerability and holding space for others' vulnerability, as my friend tweeted today (https://x.com/DrBobBeare/status/1794745362009239995). Courage and small steps, as you say.
Thanks for your kind words. Need to sit with that for a bit. And your friend described it really beautifully.
Feels good to read your words. If you're looking for more inspiration, Bob is one of the best I've found online.
This is so on the money! ❤️🌹
Yay! I’m glad it resonated with your inner knowing, Paolo. Appreciate your comment.
Hey Susan, I’m delighted this essay landed. It resonates strongly with me too. And yes, your comment is public. :)