My childhood was overly serious. It's just how we were. And of all the kids, I embraced that lifestyle the most. (my brothers escaped it by dancing with psychedelics). My first husband was even more serious than me. And wow, was that a disaster.
Thank goodness I met a Hobbit whose life purpose is to bring joy and spontaneous play everywhere he goes. It has taken me almost a decade to exercise those muscles into some level of functional.
Thanks for this- so much truth here. I have a piece coming out soon myself about how we inherit our habits from past generations and how meaningful it can be when we learn to release ourselves from them.
Thank you for this, Ryan. It will take me a while to unpack all this. "Never broken" often still feels like broken. Mega doses of shame dished out by parent, I keep slowly course-correcting my own ship. It's a process that may never completely end, but this is helpful to the understanding and attempted healing.
You're in good company, Nancy. As much as we understand these concepts intellectually, it's a lifetime process of integrating them into our being, as you say. I'm grateful for your vulnerability here.
It's one of the sad hallmarks of western culture for children to grow untaught how to be in relationship from parents, caregivers, elders, and mentors. The nuclear family model only feeds this beast, and leaves so many children wasted and wanting, scorching the earth trying to fill a void that a series of I'm sorrys and I love yous would have done just fine to fill.
What a gentle and beautiful breakdown, Ryan. Thank you.
This: "Not overnight, not all at once and not through perfection, self-flagellation, or turning yourself into an endless self-improvement project. But through care, compassion, and a deep knowing that you were never broken." 100% Especially when a lot of the "imperfections" aren't imperfections but divergence and an endless self-improvement project (that I was in for ~30 years) is futile because despite neuroplasticity, you can't change your neurodivergent biology - often likened to wiring, but that's only part of it.
Sounds like you're intimately familiar with the great self-improvement project and trying the same thing over and over, harder and harder, only to come up short, dissatisfied and disillusioned. Glad you've made your way, Marjan.
Yes, sort of. Trying the same thing over and over is not my thing, but continuing to look for other things to try, hoping that this or that 'expert' (knowledge or experience) has the answer, coming up short or losing interest (which also means coming up short in other people's eyes and therefore your own), damaging your self-image, self-confidence. and -- more importantly -- self-worth.
I'm glad I finally got a diagnosis (although I had to chase one because it never occurred to any of the psychologists I worked with over the years that I could be neurodivergent). The diagnosis was a relief though it also sparked grief and from that a lot of resistance to *needing* the tools I'd previously seen as smart hacks. Wrote my story about that in "Resistance is futile. Right?" https://42s.42sidenotes.com/p/resistance-is-futile
"So many patterns we think are personal failings are survival adaptations." OOOF. This sentence, Ryan, is a gem. It flipped a switch in my brain. How often do we beat ourselves up for behaviors that were once incredibly necessary for our survival, and still carry this behavior after we've moved past the danger? It’s like we’re stuck in an old software version, running a program that was essential at one time, but is now just draining resources.
Oh, boy, that hits home: "but is now just draining resources." It's time to update our childhood survival strategies to meet our adult lives. Kindness toward them helps, as you know.
A great list for someone to begin to take account.
I have always found it helped when I understood what a behaviour was - what it caused and how it influenced the development of my nervous system and my brain.
I was always obsessed with notions of self - but it took years to understand that obsession stemmed from a lack of self, a self that was underdeveloped, had been oppressed and malformed.
Nowadays I love the insights of understanding how relational dynamics influence us all - and how to be a better world.
It really does not matter where you are from - what you lived - because change is still possibly. I said that - not because I love being inspired (which is also true - but because I am living proof of that.
You are living proof. You know what it's like to develop a strong sense of self and paradoxically no self. Both of which are necessary for fullness of freedom and wellbeing. Thanks for being an inspiration.
I needed this, Ryan. So much. I grew up in a home rife with mental illness (my mom - OCD and major depression, my younger brother - OCD and bipolar disorder), so my mother's unhealthy worldview shaped me. I was afraid of everything.
Plus, she was emotionally inconsistent. Lots of shame. Lots of blame. I was labeled "too sensitive" and "too opinionated." Told by everyone in my family how a proper lady should act (and it wasn't by asking all the questions or contesting what adults said was true).
Perfectionism became my shield.
Like you, I've spent years working on peeling those layers away. I know a fair amount about trauma recovery and an discovering every day, more and more, why I've felt so rejected and abandoned.
Your post today was a lighthouse for me on the dark, turbulent ocean. Thank you, Ryan.
I feel for you and your childhood self, Jeannie. And I know how much inner work you've been doing to heal and wake up so you can be good to yourself, your children, your partner, and all whom you come into contact with. You're a gift to the Creator Retreat cohort and all who meet you.
That’s kind of you to say, Ryan. I am grateful for your example of sensitivity and compassion and what that looks like, both in a group setting and in personal growth/healing.
As someone who suffers from the perfectionism parasite, I'm fully aware that this habit developed in childhood. I'm still working through it and examining it. However, it's a worthwhile endeavor to release the burden of perfectionism.
Great article Ryan. I was a hyper-independant, parentified perfectionist. Although my perfectionism came out of hoping that maybe if I was perfect then I would be worthy of being loved. I was allowed to make mistakes, just not according to me. Thankfully I have worked through most of my "stuff" and am now in a relationship where I feel seen, heard, and valued. Only took 40 years...
This was so well-said, and perfectly timed. I've been working on myself for years, and just this week my "inner dictator" reared her head. I hadn't thought about what pattern led me to take all the blame when conflict arose. Great insight, thanks.
It's funny how thing appear out of nowhere. "What? I thought I healed and dissolved my inner dictator." It's as if we need to hear these truths over and over and over.
My childhood was overly serious. It's just how we were. And of all the kids, I embraced that lifestyle the most. (my brothers escaped it by dancing with psychedelics). My first husband was even more serious than me. And wow, was that a disaster.
Thank goodness I met a Hobbit whose life purpose is to bring joy and spontaneous play everywhere he goes. It has taken me almost a decade to exercise those muscles into some level of functional.
who knew that play is a practice too?
You described me and my life in this article.
I'm glad it resonated, Christine. And I hope you are healing well.
Same here. I felt like I was reading about my life. Thank you for this @ryan
You've come a long way, Mike. :)
Thanks for this- so much truth here. I have a piece coming out soon myself about how we inherit our habits from past generations and how meaningful it can be when we learn to release ourselves from them.
Sounds insightful. I can relate. All the best finishing it.
Thanks!
Thank you for this, Ryan. It will take me a while to unpack all this. "Never broken" often still feels like broken. Mega doses of shame dished out by parent, I keep slowly course-correcting my own ship. It's a process that may never completely end, but this is helpful to the understanding and attempted healing.
You're in good company, Nancy. As much as we understand these concepts intellectually, it's a lifetime process of integrating them into our being, as you say. I'm grateful for your vulnerability here.
It's one of the sad hallmarks of western culture for children to grow untaught how to be in relationship from parents, caregivers, elders, and mentors. The nuclear family model only feeds this beast, and leaves so many children wasted and wanting, scorching the earth trying to fill a void that a series of I'm sorrys and I love yous would have done just fine to fill.
What a gentle and beautiful breakdown, Ryan. Thank you.
I like the way you capture this truth, Sean. Thank you for sharing this truth in your words.
This: "Not overnight, not all at once and not through perfection, self-flagellation, or turning yourself into an endless self-improvement project. But through care, compassion, and a deep knowing that you were never broken." 100% Especially when a lot of the "imperfections" aren't imperfections but divergence and an endless self-improvement project (that I was in for ~30 years) is futile because despite neuroplasticity, you can't change your neurodivergent biology - often likened to wiring, but that's only part of it.
Sounds like you're intimately familiar with the great self-improvement project and trying the same thing over and over, harder and harder, only to come up short, dissatisfied and disillusioned. Glad you've made your way, Marjan.
Yes, sort of. Trying the same thing over and over is not my thing, but continuing to look for other things to try, hoping that this or that 'expert' (knowledge or experience) has the answer, coming up short or losing interest (which also means coming up short in other people's eyes and therefore your own), damaging your self-image, self-confidence. and -- more importantly -- self-worth.
I'm glad I finally got a diagnosis (although I had to chase one because it never occurred to any of the psychologists I worked with over the years that I could be neurodivergent). The diagnosis was a relief though it also sparked grief and from that a lot of resistance to *needing* the tools I'd previously seen as smart hacks. Wrote my story about that in "Resistance is futile. Right?" https://42s.42sidenotes.com/p/resistance-is-futile
I'm glad you found some solace in knowing yourself better. Thanks for sharing your essay. I look forward to reading it.
"So many patterns we think are personal failings are survival adaptations." OOOF. This sentence, Ryan, is a gem. It flipped a switch in my brain. How often do we beat ourselves up for behaviors that were once incredibly necessary for our survival, and still carry this behavior after we've moved past the danger? It’s like we’re stuck in an old software version, running a program that was essential at one time, but is now just draining resources.
Oh, boy, that hits home: "but is now just draining resources." It's time to update our childhood survival strategies to meet our adult lives. Kindness toward them helps, as you know.
Yes!! This
A great list for someone to begin to take account.
I have always found it helped when I understood what a behaviour was - what it caused and how it influenced the development of my nervous system and my brain.
I was always obsessed with notions of self - but it took years to understand that obsession stemmed from a lack of self, a self that was underdeveloped, had been oppressed and malformed.
Nowadays I love the insights of understanding how relational dynamics influence us all - and how to be a better world.
It really does not matter where you are from - what you lived - because change is still possibly. I said that - not because I love being inspired (which is also true - but because I am living proof of that.
You are living proof. You know what it's like to develop a strong sense of self and paradoxically no self. Both of which are necessary for fullness of freedom and wellbeing. Thanks for being an inspiration.
Thank you for this. I needed to read it today. I will read it again.
I'm glad it was helpful, Janelle. Thanks for letting me know. P.S. I need to read it again, too.
Fully resonated with this one, Ryan. I think it's so important that we normalize looking back on how we were raised as children without judgment.
I agree, Alex. Not so easy in practice.
So good, so good
I needed this, Ryan. So much. I grew up in a home rife with mental illness (my mom - OCD and major depression, my younger brother - OCD and bipolar disorder), so my mother's unhealthy worldview shaped me. I was afraid of everything.
Plus, she was emotionally inconsistent. Lots of shame. Lots of blame. I was labeled "too sensitive" and "too opinionated." Told by everyone in my family how a proper lady should act (and it wasn't by asking all the questions or contesting what adults said was true).
Perfectionism became my shield.
Like you, I've spent years working on peeling those layers away. I know a fair amount about trauma recovery and an discovering every day, more and more, why I've felt so rejected and abandoned.
Your post today was a lighthouse for me on the dark, turbulent ocean. Thank you, Ryan.
I feel for you and your childhood self, Jeannie. And I know how much inner work you've been doing to heal and wake up so you can be good to yourself, your children, your partner, and all whom you come into contact with. You're a gift to the Creator Retreat cohort and all who meet you.
That’s kind of you to say, Ryan. I am grateful for your example of sensitivity and compassion and what that looks like, both in a group setting and in personal growth/healing.
I appreciate your kindness, Jennie. You inspire me daily.
As someone who suffers from the perfectionism parasite, I'm fully aware that this habit developed in childhood. I'm still working through it and examining it. However, it's a worthwhile endeavor to release the burden of perfectionism.
Perfectionism is pernicious, isn't it? I'm glad you're inquiring and learning to release it and reclaim your original fearlessness.
Great article Ryan. I was a hyper-independant, parentified perfectionist. Although my perfectionism came out of hoping that maybe if I was perfect then I would be worthy of being loved. I was allowed to make mistakes, just not according to me. Thankfully I have worked through most of my "stuff" and am now in a relationship where I feel seen, heard, and valued. Only took 40 years...
Ha! It's good to hear you've worked through your stuff and finally found someone who appreciates you and is able to see you.
This was so well-said, and perfectly timed. I've been working on myself for years, and just this week my "inner dictator" reared her head. I hadn't thought about what pattern led me to take all the blame when conflict arose. Great insight, thanks.
It's funny how thing appear out of nowhere. "What? I thought I healed and dissolved my inner dictator." It's as if we need to hear these truths over and over and over.