Why You May Be More Emotionally Mature Than You Think
The signs of emotional maturity you only notice in hindsight
Welcome to Beyond Self Improvement issue #127. Every Wednesday, I share an essay with practical ideas on finding personal freedom in an unfree world.
Dear Friend,
Emotional growth is subtle. You miss it while it’s happening. But one day you look back and realize: You’ve changed. These 31 signs prove it’s working, even if no one else sees it.
We’re not born emotionally mature. We grow into it, unevenly, through heartbreak, struggles, and staying when we want to run.
But how do you know you’re growing?
You start to move through life with less drama and more ease. Being emotionally mature doesn’t mean having it all figured out. It means being honest with yourself, kind to others, and curious about your patterns.
These aren’t rules to follow. They’re reminders of what we’re developing, with time, softness, and the courage to keep showing up.
You discover life is not a zero-sum game. Their wins are not your losses. You feel genuine happiness when others succeed. Because now you know your conditioning is the competition. Not them.
You become more aware of sunrises, flowers, and the sky between tree branches. You learn to cherish life's little pleasures instead of hurrying past them.
You no longer obsess over what others think of you. You realize that most people are just as uncertain as you are, so you stop trying to control how you're perceived. What matters is being at peace with who you are, just as you are.
You realize there’s no arrival. Life is always in process—your body, moods, thoughts, beliefs, bank account. One day, you feel great. The next day, you wake up with a backache and a dented car door. You think you’ve figured something out, then a book causes you to question your understanding.
You no longer fall in love with every charming person you meet. You still notice beauty. But now you know everyone is complicated. And some people—no matter how lovely—are better admired from a distance.
You discover you can have difficult conversations with people you care about without getting defensive, throwing tantrums, or shutting down. You stop needing to be right and start seeking to be real.
You learn that your feelings are your responsibility. If you're frustrated with your partner, it’s not their job to change, so you will never feel frustrated again. You also stop demanding others change so you don't have to feel feelings you don't want to feel.
You realize that most people’s bad behavior comes from fear and anxiety rather than malice or stupidity. You lighten up on self-righteousness. You start to see that everyone is struggling in their way, including you.
You recognize that gossiping about others is immature. If you have something to say, you say it directly. And if you vent, it’s for clarity, not cruelty.
You learn to be more realistic and have lower expectations of yourself and others. You stop expecting perfection and start making room for humanity. The result? You become a lot easier to be around.
You learn that nobody is all good or all bad. Your friend might be negative but wonderfully discerning. Your brother-in-law might be selfish, yet tremendous fun to be around. Your daughter might be moody, but she’s also breathtakingly sensitive.
You recognize that everyone is carrying a significant burden. You stop thinking your struggle is the only one that matters, which softens you.
You realize you and your partner are on the same team. Fighting with them is like fighting yourself. You stop keeping score. You change the toilet paper, vacuum, and water the plants—not to prove anything but because it needs to be done.
You don’t have to be right or know everything. When you’re wrong, you say, “You’re right. I was wrong.” When you don’t know, you say, “I don’t know.” And you stop feeling ashamed about it.
You discover you don’t have to control everything and everyone around you. You learn to trust life and yourself to handle whatever comes next, and things usually work out when you do.
You learn to stay steady through intense moments. You don’t get defensive when someone disagrees. You don’t sulk when your partner is disappointed in you. You don’t take the bait from online trolls.
You used to dream of doing something big. A PhD. A bestselling book. Changing the world. But that dream was built on a quiet fear of not being enough. Now, you’re more drawn to love than legacy. You want a life that feels good, not just one that looks good.
You learn to hold opposing truths at the same time. You can be angry at your partner and still love them. You can feel hurt by your friends, but you still appreciate how they show up. Life can be messy and meaningful at once.
You learn that, to your great surprise, sometimes you make mistakes. And with time and courage, you even learn to say, “I’m sorry.”
You finally admit it: no one can read your mind. If you want a connection, you must say what you feel, even if it’s awkward or difficult.
You stop chasing schemes for endless happiness. Instead, you start noticing the little wins. Satisfaction becomes a moment-by-moment thing. And on some days, just getting through is enough.
You forgive your parents, not because they got it right, but because, you see, they were in over their heads. They were doing the best they could with what they were given. Sometimes, that doesn’t feel like enough, and other times, it opens your heart.
You learn how much the little things affect your mood, sleep, blood sugar, stress, alcohol, and inbox overload. You stop picking fights when you’re running on fumes. You wait until everyone is rested, fed, and calm.
You stop believing in perfect cities, people and relationships. You start to appreciate what’s good enough, even if Martha Stewart would disapprove.
You start appreciating what you already have. You also admit you’re not the easiest person to live with. You drop the fantasy of being perfect. And you begin to warn new friends and partners about the many ways you can be a pain in the ass.
You stop trying to build confidence by proving your greatness. You realize everyone else is scared, too. No one knows what they’re doing. We’re all making it up as we go.
You forgive yourself for your shortcomings. You stop punishing yourself for mistakes you can’t undo. You become a better friend to yourself—still a fool sometimes, but a lovable one.
You stop expecting yourself to outgrow every immature part of your personality. You stop taking yourself so seriously. You learn to laugh at your ridiculousness. And when the “high chair tyrant” shows up, you warmly welcome them.
You recognize how your past keeps showing up in the present—your tone, triggers and panic when someone doesn’t text back. You begin to pause before reacting. You learn to ask, “Is this about the present or the past?”
You stop needing to pick sides. You realize every story is half-true. Every person is a mix of beautiful and broken. And the truth lives somewhere in between.
You stop trying to impress your friends with how great your life is. You realize what brings you closer is the messy stuff, the doubts, the regrets. You become more unguarded because you see that friendship lives in the places we used to hide.
You’re not here to be perfect.
You’re here to be honest, soft-hearted, and real. Someone who can see how far they’ve come—and keep growing.
Keep growing,
Ryan
If you enjoyed this, sharing it with one person or restacking it would be the highest compliment. Thank you.
Wow, this is a fantastic list, Ryan. You had me at the first five, but every single one resonates as a measure of my progress or an aspiration of where I want to continue to grow.
This is such a great list, Ryan. I can see ways I've grown a lot over recent years, and yet I also see much work to do yet. 😉 But that's the real essence I suppose. We are always traveling, hopefully forwarded!