I think I can see myself having gone from self help to spirituality - although I'm still very much into certain forms of self help. Interestingly, you can absolutely get addicted to the sense of progress in spirituality.
I used to spend a long time every day on a forum for meditators. I followed and sometimes participated in lots of debates and conversations about dharma and practice. I stopped doing this after a couple of short retreats. I realized that what I had been practicing was enough. Before, I was full of doubt, and turned to a bunch of strangers on the internet who never agreed with eachother anyways. I realized that this was mostly a distraction.
I've been wondering lately why meditation has seemed so hard and unforgiving for the last few months. There are lots of beautiful moments, but it seems to have been really consistently difficult compared to a few years ago. and after reading this, it hit me that it might be simply because I'm not indulging in spiritual fantasies. Naturally I hope good things come out of the meditation, but in the past I'd constantly think about jhanas, stages of awakening, and other spiritual maps and concepts and now I'm not so immersed in all of that, and I don't take for granted that I'll experience some kind of permanent salvation. It's just sitting still with no real reference points except for back pain. Still a beautiful practice that I can't imagine not doing.
Great article, Ryan. I’m lucky I never fell for the self-help delusion, because I was terribly unhappy in my career, and could have gone down that false path easily. I guess I was too busy reading fiction to pick up any nonfiction!
But about 10 years ago, I did read a self-help book. Wish I could remember the name. Before you know it I was Filling out index cards with all of my positive affirmations, making vision boards, reciting my affirmations to myself every day. They were all geared toward making more money and becoming a successful contractor and real estate developer. As you say in your essay, I was climbing the wrong ladder. I really had no interest in running a business. At all. So of course, my visions didn’t come true. I was going to make $1 million a year! I was going to own 10 rental houses!
Well, I do own one rental house, so I guess the universe gave me a small taste. But where is my brand new Toyota Tacoma? Where’s my retirement fund? Where is my vacation home in the mountains?
Coincidentally, my wife and I were just talking about success workshops yesterday. We both agreed that whoever is running the workshop is making more money off of your desire for success and than they are off of doing whatever it is that they’re telling you to do. And the reason we so often fail to execute the instructions is because they require us to be someone we’re not. And that’s just not sustainable.
This made me laugh, Don. What man hasn't fantasized about making $1M a year or at least becoming a millionaire? It may be a cliche, but deeply personal nonetheless. Glad you own at least one rental home and didn't go too deep down the self-help rabbit hole. I like the insight you and your wife have. You're right. I appreciate your reading my lengthy essay and in-depth comment.
The hardest part about addiction to improvement is that it'll never be enough as we continue to overload our neurochemistry with dopamine. That endless dissatisfaction always lurks until we can let go of that and be satisfied with 'what is'.
Yes, I too, have gone down the self-help rabbit hole many times! Although, I did learn how to create better habits, I realized my take away was 'I'm broken'. Which, in fact, none of us are. 💕
Ryan, this article really spoke to me because I resonated so much with your experience. I have definitely been known to overdo it in my self-help and wellness journey.
It also reminds me of what a colleague said to me when I asked how frequent and how long a client should be coming to therapy. He said, “I’m not big on keeping people in therapy.” That line stuck with me because I thought we were supposed to have clients come every week, for as long as they want- maybe even the rest of their lives. Not necessarily! In fact, it can become an addiction, as you talked about out so clearly in your article. Thank you for this insight and gentle reminder. I always get a lot from your writing. :)
Feels good to hear this resonated with your experience, too. Then I know I'm not the only one. That's a valuable insight as a therapist. I'm honored that you get something out of my writing, Lily. I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment, especially on a lengthy essay.
This is not only a finely written article, it’s an important article.
“The self-improvement industry thrives on one belief: that something is wrong with you. The more you believe that, the more you consume. The more you consume, the less clarity and adrift you are from your true self.”
Yes. I learned this the hard way. I would also include psychotherapy in this category. Psychotherapy can be helpful to some extent. But, when it creates a dependency, it’s not helpful. I've only been able to experience what I understand to be ‘freedom’ outside of the wellness optimization culture, this includes mental health. Free agency only comes when we're free to choose our own path. But, whenever someone else thinks they know what’s best for you (in other words, you don't know what’s best for yourself) abdicating responsibility not only for the quality of your life, but I'm establishing your own values and your identity.
I lived this for many years. I'm happy that I've finally extricated myself from it, for the most part.
I'm so glad you've been able to extricate yourself from the machinations of the industry and the so-called gurus and experts. That's an important freedom. And it feels good to hear the article resonated.
I think I can see myself having gone from self help to spirituality - although I'm still very much into certain forms of self help. Interestingly, you can absolutely get addicted to the sense of progress in spirituality.
I used to spend a long time every day on a forum for meditators. I followed and sometimes participated in lots of debates and conversations about dharma and practice. I stopped doing this after a couple of short retreats. I realized that what I had been practicing was enough. Before, I was full of doubt, and turned to a bunch of strangers on the internet who never agreed with eachother anyways. I realized that this was mostly a distraction.
I've been wondering lately why meditation has seemed so hard and unforgiving for the last few months. There are lots of beautiful moments, but it seems to have been really consistently difficult compared to a few years ago. and after reading this, it hit me that it might be simply because I'm not indulging in spiritual fantasies. Naturally I hope good things come out of the meditation, but in the past I'd constantly think about jhanas, stages of awakening, and other spiritual maps and concepts and now I'm not so immersed in all of that, and I don't take for granted that I'll experience some kind of permanent salvation. It's just sitting still with no real reference points except for back pain. Still a beautiful practice that I can't imagine not doing.
Great article, Ryan. I’m lucky I never fell for the self-help delusion, because I was terribly unhappy in my career, and could have gone down that false path easily. I guess I was too busy reading fiction to pick up any nonfiction!
But about 10 years ago, I did read a self-help book. Wish I could remember the name. Before you know it I was Filling out index cards with all of my positive affirmations, making vision boards, reciting my affirmations to myself every day. They were all geared toward making more money and becoming a successful contractor and real estate developer. As you say in your essay, I was climbing the wrong ladder. I really had no interest in running a business. At all. So of course, my visions didn’t come true. I was going to make $1 million a year! I was going to own 10 rental houses!
Well, I do own one rental house, so I guess the universe gave me a small taste. But where is my brand new Toyota Tacoma? Where’s my retirement fund? Where is my vacation home in the mountains?
Coincidentally, my wife and I were just talking about success workshops yesterday. We both agreed that whoever is running the workshop is making more money off of your desire for success and than they are off of doing whatever it is that they’re telling you to do. And the reason we so often fail to execute the instructions is because they require us to be someone we’re not. And that’s just not sustainable.
This made me laugh, Don. What man hasn't fantasized about making $1M a year or at least becoming a millionaire? It may be a cliche, but deeply personal nonetheless. Glad you own at least one rental home and didn't go too deep down the self-help rabbit hole. I like the insight you and your wife have. You're right. I appreciate your reading my lengthy essay and in-depth comment.
The hardest part about addiction to improvement is that it'll never be enough as we continue to overload our neurochemistry with dopamine. That endless dissatisfaction always lurks until we can let go of that and be satisfied with 'what is'.
Good insights. You know from hard-won experience what is true.
Yes, I too, have gone down the self-help rabbit hole many times! Although, I did learn how to create better habits, I realized my take away was 'I'm broken'. Which, in fact, none of us are. 💕
Right? The reinforcement of feeling broken is one of the great shortcomings of self-help.
Ryan, this article really spoke to me because I resonated so much with your experience. I have definitely been known to overdo it in my self-help and wellness journey.
It also reminds me of what a colleague said to me when I asked how frequent and how long a client should be coming to therapy. He said, “I’m not big on keeping people in therapy.” That line stuck with me because I thought we were supposed to have clients come every week, for as long as they want- maybe even the rest of their lives. Not necessarily! In fact, it can become an addiction, as you talked about out so clearly in your article. Thank you for this insight and gentle reminder. I always get a lot from your writing. :)
Feels good to hear this resonated with your experience, too. Then I know I'm not the only one. That's a valuable insight as a therapist. I'm honored that you get something out of my writing, Lily. I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment, especially on a lengthy essay.
This is not only a finely written article, it’s an important article.
“The self-improvement industry thrives on one belief: that something is wrong with you. The more you believe that, the more you consume. The more you consume, the less clarity and adrift you are from your true self.”
Yes. I learned this the hard way. I would also include psychotherapy in this category. Psychotherapy can be helpful to some extent. But, when it creates a dependency, it’s not helpful. I've only been able to experience what I understand to be ‘freedom’ outside of the wellness optimization culture, this includes mental health. Free agency only comes when we're free to choose our own path. But, whenever someone else thinks they know what’s best for you (in other words, you don't know what’s best for yourself) abdicating responsibility not only for the quality of your life, but I'm establishing your own values and your identity.
I lived this for many years. I'm happy that I've finally extricated myself from it, for the most part.
I'm so glad you've been able to extricate yourself from the machinations of the industry and the so-called gurus and experts. That's an important freedom. And it feels good to hear the article resonated.
And eventually got to Self Respect is key…