The Problem With Rules and What to Do Instead
Rules can be helpful, but many are counterproductive.
Hello & welcome to another edition of Beyond Self Improvement!
Last Wednesday, I wrote The Three Personality Types in Buddhist Psychology: Which One Are You?
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Dear Friends,
Every society has written and unwritten rules that dictate behavior, and we all feel their omnipresence. Public spaces, employers, events, relationships, and casual conversations have built-in expectations for proper conduct. Outwardly we follow the rules while inwardly resenting them for impinging on our autonomy.
Rules, norms, and customs are not necessarily the problem, but those that are arbitrary or self-imposed. Discerning between the two can take time and effort.
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Some rules are helpful. Stoplights allow traffic to flow without accidents. Grammar facilitates clear communication. Queues allow for the orderly purchasing of goods and services.
Some rules could be more helpful. Always think positive thoughts. Never leave the house without makeup. Always speak the truth. Never apologize because it makes you look weak. Always finish your food. Never wash your face with bar soap. Always tip twenty percent. Never allow priests to have sex. Whenever a rule starts with an absolute such as “never” or “always,” be wary.
Some rules can be tedious, yet we follow them for the communal benefit. The conventions of “pleases” and “thank yous,” shaking hands or kissing on cheeks, not littering, driving on the right or left, and picking up your dog’s deposits.
Some rules sound good but aren’t helpful. Drink eight glasses of water daily. Eat four ounces of leafy green vegetables every day. Always be nice. While the underlying principle may be sound, the absolute nature is not.
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Often rules are self-imposed.
We all know the type A person who strives in every aspect of their life—career, fitness, nutrition, even travel. The kind of person who goes to a top university and does Ironman triathlons. They get up at 5 am to swim a mile before work, only eat egg whites, and drink coffee through a straw to avoid staining their teeth.
Bill Severino was that kind of guy. When I met him during my first year of college, he had straight A’s and hadn’t missed a day of pushups and sit-ups in over three years. Bill is the kind of guy people make fun of. Why? Partly because we envy his extreme discipline and partly because we think, “Lighten up and live a little, Bill.”
Identifying as an artist may cause me to believe I have to dress a certain way. Labeling myself an environmentalist may obligate me to bring reusable grocery bags, and I feel guilty when I don’t. If I’m terrified of cancer, I may be fixated on getting enough antioxidant-rich foods. If I love walking but set a rule to walk 10,000 steps daily, I will feel good when I reach this number and bad when I don’t. Who made up this rule, anyway? Apple?
I used to have an image of what yogis and meditators do and don’t do. When a friend and long-time spiritual seeker said he ate meat, I was surprised but learned an important lesson about my beliefs. Let’s say I believe I can’t function on less than eight hours of sleep. Not only would this rule restrict my lifestyle, but it would all but ensure feeling bad when I get anything less than eight hours of sleep.
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Rules have a way of transforming joy into grim duty. If you’re always striving to achieve a personal best in a sport like running or lifting weights, there’s little room for living. If you push hard and fail to achieve a personal best one week, you will be less motivated to run the following week, and so on.
As I’ve mentioned before, people used to tell me, “You’re so skinny!” So when I turned 22, I joined a gym and started lifting weights. I ate five meals daily for two years and worked out six days a week. I was at the gym every Friday night and every Saturday morning. Sundays were my only day off. I wrote into a spiral notebook every weight, set, and rep.
At the end of the two years on this relentless schedule, I felt good about gaining fifteen pounds. But over time, I resented being inside a stinky, sweat-soaked gym on a Friday night or a beautiful summer day. But I was motivated not to be skinny, so I kept at it. Eventually, I stopped enjoying it and burned out. I liked being bigger and stronger, but in the end, satisfying my ego wasn’t worth the effort.
Eckhart Tolle says the best measure of your spiritual practice is ease in your life.
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Any rule that is arbitrary yet mandated is problematic. Shaming women for not wearing a bra or makeup and men for having feelings is barbaric. There was a rule (probably made up by moms) when I was a kid always to wear clean underwear. You wouldn’t want to be embarrassed if rushed to a hospital.
When I married years ago, the average wedding was said to cost $20,000 ($30,000 today). Is this fact or deception of the Wedding Professionals International Association? How about the rule that a man must spend four times his monthly gross salary on a wedding ring? Is this an honest number, or did DeBeers, the British diamond consortium that controls 30% of the world’s diamond market, come up with this?
Some would prefer a less structured society where individual freedom rules (pun intended). Others would like to abolish the government altogether. While the desire to overthrow unjust or restrictive laws is valid, anarchy doesn’t work. A ruleless world inevitably devolves into madness. Have you ever watched Deadwood?
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You are not a robot but a living, breathing human being with changing moods, emotions, needs, wants, ambitions, and interests. Responsibilities change, the economy changes, jobs change, and the body changes. If we fail to account for these changes, our rules will no longer match with and support our evolving reality.
When learning to cook a meal, you start with a recipe. But once you know how to make the meal, counting and measuring every item becomes unnecessary. You start with training wheels when teaching a child to ride a bicycle. But training wheels are no longer needed once the child learns to ride a bike.
Instead of creating complex rules for yourself, listen to your mind and body and adjust your practices and adherence to regulations accordingly. If you’ve been working long hours and not sleeping enough, now might not be the ideal time to try to set a personal best in deadlifts.
I stopped eating meat again recently, but that doesn’t mean I won’t eat meat if it’s the only food served. I meditate daily, but that doesn’t mean I will beat myself up for missing a day. I have worked through much of my childhood shame, but that doesn’t mean I will feel guilty for occasionally getting angry.
I just returned from a family reunion in San Diego. On the way to the airport, my Lyft driver told me about the economics of being a gig driver. While his goal is $300 daily, on Fridays, he earns about $500 and only about $200 on Tuesdays. He doesn’t have a rigid rule for reaching a daily goal because he knows from experience that he averages $300 daily or $38.00 per hour over the week.
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Rules are meant to be helpful, not harmful. Some people have too many rules, others too few. Some adhere to rules too rigidly, others too lightly. Sometimes our practices are beneficial. Other times they are counterproductive. Each of us must decide for ourselves what is best.
Rules are there to make your life better, not worse. Start with a custom, start with a recipe, start with training wheels, but once a rule has served its purpose, let it go. The goal is to adhere to the proper customs in quantity correctly. This is living according to the Tao, or the natural rhythm of life.
Ideally, most rules will be abandoned and replaced with intuitive understanding. But for those you follow—others or your own—always ask why.
That’s all for this week. Thanks for being here, giving me this space to share with you, and for your ongoing love and support. I’ll be back in your inbox next Wednesday.
Keep questioning the rules,
Ryan
P.S. I’ve decided to do something different and include a “dog of the week.” I present to you Simba.
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