Sam Harris has engendered the value of getting it right over being right for this dude.
Getting it right is what we truly want anyway. We certainly don't want to get things wrong. Allowing myself to get something wrong is the very moment I am potentially closer to getting it right. Most of the time, I am officially more right once I admit I am wrong.
So being wrong is my direct path to getting something right, basically.
I commend you for the ego strength/dissolution of self that allows you to be wrong. It takes a lot of working on ourselves. Whenever I'm wrong, I usually say, "I'm glad I'm wrong. Shows I'm taking a risk, and it keeps me humble."
I think once one gets this concept and makes the shift, going back to "being right" seems unwise. It's a genie-bottle situation, as in can't go back in.
I was really struck by your phrase, “the bureaucracy of the ego.” That perfectly captures the feeling of being trapped in a cycle of needing to be right. It’s as though our egos have created this elaborate system of rules and regulations, dictating who gets to be correct and who doesn’t. It becomes exhausting! And what is it all for? Just to feel like we’ve “won” some small, inconsequential battle? That line really made me consider how much energy I’ve wasted on those battles. It’s a reminder that sometimes stepping outside that “bureaucracy” is the most liberating thing we can do.
Feels good to hear that line stuck out for you, Alex. I find the ego exhausting, too. When I first heard it, it was like, "What a brilliant way to capture the tangled web of the ego." "Plus, bureaucracies...Ugh" made me laugh.
Haha that's a good one! Marriage is a great way to learn about swallowing your need to be right. And maybe it's not so much about marriage per se as it is that you're living with someone 24/7, talking talking talking about this unimportant subject and that unimportant subject, so the odds of disagreeing on a trivial matter are high.
But maturity is remembering how many times you've actually been mistaken in the past, and therefore, even when you're absolutely sure, backing down a little bit, allowing the subject to sit without a consensus.
Sometimes I wonder if we just talk too much anyway haha.
This is a great question. Thanks for sharing this experience, Ryan.
And, even if I'm right, I want to more readily allow others to find their own way to the "right" conclusion rather than trying to force them to acknowledge they were wrong. And love them where they are, anyway.
This really is a good point — When I’m absolutely, positively convinced I’m right, I ask myself: Would I bet my life on it?” This really hits home right now. We’re in the middle of selling a house that's not moving because of the economy. It’s actually stressful and feels like a bit of a nightmare! I feel like I've been battling the real estate agent. We seem to be looking at the situation each differently. We've butted heads a couple of times. He acts as if he’s so accommodating and kind. Then, when I try to express my opinion or concerns, he just doubles down on his expertise. I don't need to be right, I need to feel like he’s listening to me and considering my perspective. Am I willing to die (or take a bullet) in order to win an argument in what’s the best way to sell a house? No. But, I guess he is — or, at least he acts that way. I told him, “you're stubborn” — as well as close minded. Connections are difficult when someone insists that they're entirely right.
Obviously, your post brought something up for me that I'm still processing. Thanks for writing this post.
This made me laugh: I told him, “you're stubborn” — as well as close minded. Bringing something up to process is one of the things I hope my writing does for people. Glad you shared this. 🙏🏻💛 Oh, and good luck selling the house!
Thanks, Ryan, so much. I don’t enjoy confrontation, but sometimes, I find it necessary to get onto the same page. He’s coming along… (I'm actually stubborn too 😉 — so projection might be operating! But, of course, I'm entirely sensible and reasonable. ALL THE TIME!) We’re having an open house this weekend. Thanks for wishing me luck! (crossed fingers)
My husband's always right (married 34 years ;-). If I get salty and argue, it never helps us. You are so right on this, Ryan. I like the idea of chasing a solid answer, but sometimes, the in-between space is more peaceful.
I remember vividly an argument I had with my dad when I was a teenager. I honestly can't remember what we were arguing about, or what his "right" was vs. my own. What I do remember as if it happened five minutes ago is the look on his face when he screamed "would you rather be right, or would you rather be loved?!"
we both stopped, as if that phrase that escaped his lips was a sucker punch to the gut.
Sam Harris has engendered the value of getting it right over being right for this dude.
Getting it right is what we truly want anyway. We certainly don't want to get things wrong. Allowing myself to get something wrong is the very moment I am potentially closer to getting it right. Most of the time, I am officially more right once I admit I am wrong.
So being wrong is my direct path to getting something right, basically.
I commend you for the ego strength/dissolution of self that allows you to be wrong. It takes a lot of working on ourselves. Whenever I'm wrong, I usually say, "I'm glad I'm wrong. Shows I'm taking a risk, and it keeps me humble."
I think once one gets this concept and makes the shift, going back to "being right" seems unwise. It's a genie-bottle situation, as in can't go back in.
I was really struck by your phrase, “the bureaucracy of the ego.” That perfectly captures the feeling of being trapped in a cycle of needing to be right. It’s as though our egos have created this elaborate system of rules and regulations, dictating who gets to be correct and who doesn’t. It becomes exhausting! And what is it all for? Just to feel like we’ve “won” some small, inconsequential battle? That line really made me consider how much energy I’ve wasted on those battles. It’s a reminder that sometimes stepping outside that “bureaucracy” is the most liberating thing we can do.
Plus, bureaucracies.... Ugh.
Feels good to hear that line stuck out for you, Alex. I find the ego exhausting, too. When I first heard it, it was like, "What a brilliant way to capture the tangled web of the ego." "Plus, bureaucracies...Ugh" made me laugh.
Also... your poodle!!! 🥹
Haha! I like that you like dogs.
One of my favourite expressions is "You can be right, or you can be married."
I'm not married 😂
Haha that's a good one! Marriage is a great way to learn about swallowing your need to be right. And maybe it's not so much about marriage per se as it is that you're living with someone 24/7, talking talking talking about this unimportant subject and that unimportant subject, so the odds of disagreeing on a trivial matter are high.
But maturity is remembering how many times you've actually been mistaken in the past, and therefore, even when you're absolutely sure, backing down a little bit, allowing the subject to sit without a consensus.
Sometimes I wonder if we just talk too much anyway haha.
Agree on all counts, Don.
Hadn't heard that one. True and hilarious.
This is a great question. Thanks for sharing this experience, Ryan.
And, even if I'm right, I want to more readily allow others to find their own way to the "right" conclusion rather than trying to force them to acknowledge they were wrong. And love them where they are, anyway.
Great point, Kyle. Anyway, even the slightest hint that someone is wrong will trigger their defenses and thwart any closeness or awareness.
This really is a good point — When I’m absolutely, positively convinced I’m right, I ask myself: Would I bet my life on it?” This really hits home right now. We’re in the middle of selling a house that's not moving because of the economy. It’s actually stressful and feels like a bit of a nightmare! I feel like I've been battling the real estate agent. We seem to be looking at the situation each differently. We've butted heads a couple of times. He acts as if he’s so accommodating and kind. Then, when I try to express my opinion or concerns, he just doubles down on his expertise. I don't need to be right, I need to feel like he’s listening to me and considering my perspective. Am I willing to die (or take a bullet) in order to win an argument in what’s the best way to sell a house? No. But, I guess he is — or, at least he acts that way. I told him, “you're stubborn” — as well as close minded. Connections are difficult when someone insists that they're entirely right.
Obviously, your post brought something up for me that I'm still processing. Thanks for writing this post.
This made me laugh: I told him, “you're stubborn” — as well as close minded. Bringing something up to process is one of the things I hope my writing does for people. Glad you shared this. 🙏🏻💛 Oh, and good luck selling the house!
Thanks, Ryan, so much. I don’t enjoy confrontation, but sometimes, I find it necessary to get onto the same page. He’s coming along… (I'm actually stubborn too 😉 — so projection might be operating! But, of course, I'm entirely sensible and reasonable. ALL THE TIME!) We’re having an open house this weekend. Thanks for wishing me luck! (crossed fingers)
I wish more people would think like this :)
There would be more peace, right?
My husband's always right (married 34 years ;-). If I get salty and argue, it never helps us. You are so right on this, Ryan. I like the idea of chasing a solid answer, but sometimes, the in-between space is more peaceful.
That's funny. I agree with you. Knowing what is true is more interesting than being right.
I remember vividly an argument I had with my dad when I was a teenager. I honestly can't remember what we were arguing about, or what his "right" was vs. my own. What I do remember as if it happened five minutes ago is the look on his face when he screamed "would you rather be right, or would you rather be loved?!"
we both stopped, as if that phrase that escaped his lips was a sucker punch to the gut.
We hugged, and that was the end of that.
Wise advice. But would you bet your life on it?
A perspective-shattering question.
Thanks for sharing, Ryan!
Been there, done that. Great perspective to avoid getting there regularly.
"By then, I knew I was wrong. But I said it anyway."
Laughed out loud reading this one. Gosh do I know this.
Sending love, from my self-righteous one to yours <3