The 15 Personalities Secretly Running Your Office

You think you’re in charge. But it’s Margaret, Greg, and the guy in pink pants calling the shots.

Dear Friend,

You think your office is normal until you realize it's a soap opera, featuring every personality possible. This week, I decided to have a little fun.

Below is a completely unserious, wildly specific and 100% accurate depiction of the types of coworkers you'll meet in any halfway functional workplace.

I hope you have as much fun reading it as I had writing it. Laughter is spiritual. Why? Because it creates space.

1. Linda, The Front Desk Monarch

Linda is the morale officer and self-appointed VP of Operations who works the front desk like the White House. She has a color-coded binder system, a firm handshake, and more unsolicited process improvement ideas than actual authority. In high school, her sock-to-earring matchy-match outfits were unrivaled.

She's high-energy, opinionated, and doesn't take crap from anyone. Her ideas are good, she doesn't get the credit she deserves and genuinely cares about doing right by everyone, until she burns out and becomes resentful trying to fix problems no one asked her to fix.

2. Joe, The Human Sedative

Joe is 59, has a master's in the Dewey Decimal System and guards the supply room like it’s a Cold War fallout shelter. He has the energy of a man who deeply regrets not retiring when he had the opportunity. With a background in logistics, you'd think he'd be the one to streamline operations. Instead, he’s the human equivalent of a “Closed for Lunch” sign. His main form of communication is explaining why things can't be done.

Speaking in a monotone that makes beige seem flamboyant, his personality has been clinically tested and found to be more effective than sedatives. He does little, resists much, and if you ask for printer paper, prepare for a 10-minute explanation of why that’s not feasible right now. He’s not passive-aggressive. He’s passive-immovable. Joe is married to a very patient woman.

3. Margaret, The Caffeinated Warrior

Margaret is 64, has a PhD in Divinity, and talks like she’s double-parked. Fast, loud, and with zero interest in feedback. She’s done it all: non-profits, ministry, corporate jobs, voiceovers. Now she’s settled into the role of Office Oracle, barking half-truths with full conviction. Her energy is nuclear, her opinions are gospel (to her), and her favorite phrase is “It’s not rocket science, people.” She will ask how you are with heartbreaking sincerity and then bulldoze you with a rant about how much she hates people. You never know if she’s going to hug you, fire you, or both.

Margaret is what happens when a TED Talk and a Molotov cocktail have a baby. She drives a Honda, rents her apartment, and has the energy of a rabid ferret on Red Bull. A machine-gun perfectionist who’s held more jobs than a Craigslist job board, she’s also a minister with the bedside manner of a drill sergeant. Compliment a man in her vicinity, and she’ll whisper “He’s good but not perfect” like it’s a hex. She’s loud, proud, and wrong at least 40% of the time, but no one tells her because she’s also terrifying. When she says, “How are you?” it sounds like a trap, and it probably is.

She sits at her desk like a caffeinated prophet, muttering things like “I hate people” and “Can I tell you how much I hate my life right now?” to no one in particular. She has the résumé and energy of a woman who’s lived nine lives and the temperament of someone who’s been disappointed in all of them. She believes she’s the smartest person in the room. And while that’s occasionally true, it’s mostly just loud. She's high maintenance, but the good ones usually are. Oh, and she's prone to spontaneous happy dances in the middle of the room with her arms raised over her head.

4. Tom, The Buffering People-Pleaser

Tom is 56, a classic people pleaser, and the human equivalent of a buffering screen. He’s always two steps behind, but not dumb, just a little slow. As Eckhart Tolle says, you have to be slow if you want to think deeply, which he took a little too literally. When you tell him something, he says with the gravity of Tom Cruise in a Mission: Impossible movie, “Wait, could you say that again? I didn’t quite understand.”

His shirt is always pressed and tucked in, even when it shouldn't be, and he wears dress shoes even on casual Fridays. He’s quiet, spacey, and brings his lunch pail to work. He takes every break, on time, like it’s a federal mandate. You’ll find him chatting endlessly in the break room about the stock market, Bluetooth headphones, or the subtle improvements in his latest air fryer.

Tom has expensive taste, a side hustle as a rare coin collector, and multiple properties, but you wouldn’t know it unless you asked. He’s honest to a fault, beats himself up for things no one noticed, and has a way of gently nagging you about promotions until you give in… just to make it stop.

5. Mario, The Arm-Wrestling Absentee

Mario is short, jacked, and always wearing a polo shirt that’s one size too small. He’s built like a competitive arm wrestler because he is. A former sales guy turned office fixture, he still walks around like the deal’s not closed until you like him. He’s funny, always joking, always cajoling, basically selling you on his personality so you don’t fire him. Honestly? It works more than it should.

He’s got solid big-picture ideas, but you can’t help but notice he takes more leave of absences than seems necessary, usually for family barbecues or mysterious ailments that align suspiciously well with three-day weekends. He has a handicap tag but moves with the ease of a gazelle and the confidence of a CrossFit instructor. When threatened, he gets gruff and talks down to you like he’s about to revoke your Costco membership, but underneath it all, he’s a pussy cat—anxious, deeply worried about getting yelled at, and still not over whatever happened in that one regional sales meeting in 2012.

6. Pari, The Persian Princess

Pari is the Persian Princess of your office. In her mid-20s, she glides in with designer sunglasses, kicks her feet forward like a marching Barbie, and acts like every hallway is a red carpet. Arguing is her cardio. Ask her to do something she doesn’t like, and she’ll complain about the schedule like it’s a human rights violation.

She drives a white Tesla with white seats, gifted by her parents naturally, and drops off paperwork like she’s scattering petals at a royal procession. Her ego is bigger than her hair, and her sense of self is limitless.

“You’ve really stepped up,” says her boss.

"What do you mean?" says Pari.

"I mean, you've stepped up."

"But what do you mean I've stepped up?"

"You've stepped up," says Margaret.

“But if I’m already up, how can I step up?” Pari says without a hint of irony.

"Okay, I'm so done with this conversation," says Margaret.

Pari is the kind of person who will drop three documents on a desk and say, “Maybe you guys can deal with these.” “Are they beneath you?” you ask. “They’re an interruption,” she says. She doesn’t hold grudges, doesn’t remember your office arguments, and doesn’t care. She also doesn't know what to do with her career. In the meantime, she holds lunch-hour therapy sessions with the kindest person in the office, often while sitting on a parking lot curb.

7. Andrew, The Engineer Emperor

Andrew is 63, Chinese American, built like a praying mantis, and dresses like a background character in a spreadsheet. Think Stanford engineer meets Mr. Miyagi meets your grumpy uncle. His car, a loyal Toyota Sienna minivan, predates smartphones. A true minimalist in both fashion and joy, he has exactly one outfit and one setting: condescending.

Fueled by low-grade frustration, he delivers feedback with the gentle touch of a circular saw and walks the halls with the air of someone who has never been wrong and can’t believe he has to keep explaining things to people who wouldn’t understand anyway. He’s smart, methodical, analytical, detailed, and one of the best problem-solvers in the building, but talks down to everyone, including his boss. And his boss’s boss.

His motto is "Keep it simple," which he repeats with gravitas like a malfunctioning robot, even when the task is as simple as opening an email. When your idea isn’t up to his standards (which is always), he’ll ignore you completely. He waits in meetings like a coiled snake, then pounces at the end to deliver the final word like an emperor addressing peasants.

He is high-maintenance, high-functioning, and emotionally offline. A dream employee if your dream involves being mildly insulted every time you ask a question. High maintenance? Absolutely. But the good ones usually are.

8. Akasha, The Disappearing Friendly Guy

Akasha is 63, Indian, and drives a tiny econo-car that looks like it came free with a toaster. His wardrobe rotates between two identical outfits, which seem to be in negotiations with gravity. A biochem major turned lifelong government employee, he’s spent the last 14 years at the General Services Administration doing decent work when he feels like it, which is not often.

He’s the guy who’s always leaving early for “medical stuff” or “insurance stuff," something about a car accident and maybe an injury, or ten. Nothing rattles him. Not the lawyers, not the threats of getting fired, not even fathering twins at 49. He speaks little, laughs often, and when he does make a joke, it’s surprisingly sharp. He’s the friendliest guy you’ll ever meet inside the building. Outside the office, you’re dead to him. It's nothing personal. It's just Akasha.

He’s smart, low-effort, high-likability, and the human equivalent of the “mute” button. He could be great if he ever decided to actually work.

9. Jason, The Phantom with the PhD

He’s the most educated man in the office. PhD in electrical engineering, MBA, PMP certified, and possibly a few credentials no one’s even heard of. African American, sharply dressed in tailored suits, drives a sleek black BMW that matches his precise, polished, and untouchable vibe.

He barely talks, but when he does, everyone listens because whatever he says is always spot-on. He is so private that HR wasn’t sure where he lived. You could work next to him for years and not know if he eats lunch. Then one day, right before he resigns, he casually mentions he has a daughter, and just like that, he’s gone. No drama. No farewell. Just a mysterious LinkedIn update and an empty chair.

10. Tammy, Office Mom with a Heart of Tissue Paper

Tammy is middle-aged and has the biggest heart in the building. She didn’t get the opportunities others had—never went to college, always took jobs close to her mom, and now lives with her sister and nephew. But she shows up with warmth, friendliness, and a “Good morning! that never fails to land like a hug.

She’s the kind of person who really listens, especially the loudest and most unfiltered among them (looking at you, Persian Princess). She’s gentle, hopeful, people-oriented, and a little nosy in a harmless, well-meaning way.

She cries when you raise your voice, glows when you smile and avoids conflict. She’s kindness in human form with a low emotional melting point and an uncanny ability to know who’s beefing with whom before it hits the Slack channel.

11. Rosario, Queen Bee of Controlled Chaos

Rosario is 250 kilowatts of power, control, and never-ending workweeks. She didn’t go to college and didn’t need to. She rose through sheer charm, brute force, and social finesse. She’s in by 6 a.m., out after 8 p.m., and works weekends like she's trying to win a martyrdom contest. Her leadership style is part drill sergeant, part wounded saint: “No one works as hard as I do, and I’m here to remind you of that hourly.”

She runs the office like a reality show she stars in, narrates, and produces. She talks non-stop, holds court like a game show host, and has the uncanny ability to monologue for an hour without once asking how you’re doing. You think you’re bonding by listening, but she just needs an audience. Her favorite saying is, "Stay in your lane," which is code for "Get out of my way." Her leadership style is: tell you what to do, how to do it, when to do it, then criticize the outcome. No praise, only blame. For fun, she throws coworkers under the bus via long email threads while signing off with “Thanks!” No wonder her kids never visit.

She’s bull-headed, always right, deeply insecure, and allergic to praise unless it’s directed at her. She fights battles via email proxy and will dominate every room, take over every task, and somehow make a mess of it while still blaming someone else. She’s emotionally unpredictable, picks on the weak, and inspires dread, yet if you met her at a party, you’d love her. Because that’s her gift: world-class social skills, the one who threw the best parties in high school.

12. Greg, The IT Curmudgeon

Greg, 65, is the IT manager who dresses like he's about to install a modem in 1998. He has the ponytail, the ballcap and the self-made, old-school demeanor of someone entirely motivated by CYA.

On the surface, he's calm, collected, and friendly in that don't-look-too- closely kind of way. But when something doesn’t go his way—forget a detail, break protocol, or ask him to lift a finger beyond his metrics—he erupts. It’s never immediate. He stews, then suddenly, junkyard dog. Meek but terrifying, controlled until he’s not.

He lives for systems, documentation, and measurable results. If it can’t be tracked in a dashboard or audited in a spreadsheet, it doesn’t exist. Ask him for help and he’ll reply, "I'm too busy, it'll have to wait," while scanning boxes as if he were counting gold bars at Fort Knox. He has a great memory, a simmering temper, and the spiritual energy of a stressed-out wizard guarding the office LAN. Like a bank robber, he's one corporate gig away from riding off into the IT retirement sunset.

13. Angelica, The Tornado of Tenderness

Angelica is Puerto Rican, mid-30s, married with kids, and built like a hummingbird trying to meditate. She works hard, worries harder, and overthinks everything, especially health stuff. COVID might be over for most people, but Angelica still sanitizes like she’s prepping for surgery.

She talks fast, thinks faster, and often seems like she’s in a high-stakes negotiation with her nervous system. Her words can’t keep up with her feelings, and decisions are agony. She’s always between “I should probably do this” and “But what if it’s the wrong choice and everything goes wrong forever?” She’s kind, well-meaning, deeply human, and slightly exhausting in the most lovable way.

14. Connor, The Christian Colonel

In his 50s, Connor is fit as a triathlete and has a perfect head of hair, who looks like he stepped out of a pharmaceutical sales convention and into your workplace to personally coach you on excellence. Disciplined like a retired colonel turned motivational speaker who talks like he’s closing a deal even when he’s just saying goodnight, he looks you in the eye, thrusts his hand like a karate chop, and says, “Margaret, have a wonderful night. Greg, have a wonderful night. Angelica, have a wonderful night.” He’s a Christian, a family man, and lives as if efficiency is a sacrament. Cream-colored Cadillac. Life by routine.

He tells stories like they’re personal TED Talks, delivered with the confidence of a man who never doubts himself. He has a story for every scenario, a lesson for every story. They are cinematic, overly specific, and always delivered with the theatrical volume and gravity of a courtroom testimony: “So my father, in Reno. The transmission on his Jeep goes out. They said it’d be seven thousand. I call my guy at Normandin. Four grand. Refurbished. Hundred-thousand-mile warranty. Rented a truck. Picked it up. It’s getting done. Get it done, right? Get it DONE.”

He always has an answer. Always knows a guy. Always finds a way. He’s a little overbearing, extremely polished, and absolutely unforgettable.

15. John, The Pink Panther of Productivity

John rocks pink pants and matching pink Reeboks by day. Every. Single. Day. And plays bass in a self-described “sad rock” band at night, a cross between a breakup and unwatered plants.

He gets everything done ahead of schedule. He’s thoughtful, humble and a complete enigma. Everyone wants him on their team. Just… not in the bathroom. Yes, the rumors are true. He uses the upstairs bathroom, waits in absolute silence until he hears every last person leave, and only then wipes. It’s not a privacy thing but a full-blown strategy.

He gets it done, gets it right, and does it all while looking like a Wes Anderson character who discovered sentimental depth and bathroom paranoia in equal measure.

Keep Laughing,

Ryan

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Kaylie, a German Shepherd mix.