How Spiritually Mature Are You?
Spiritual practice in daily life
Dear Friends,
What does it mean to be spiritual, and what does it look like in our day-to-day lives?
Spiritually is a word we hear about, along with enlightenment, waking up, nirvana, consciousness, and transcendence. But for many, spirituality’s meaning feels vague and ill-defined, not to mention esoteric, as if reserved for special people in far-off places sequestered in isolation.
At the same time, Americans are increasingly identifying with spirituality and disidentifying with religion. According to a Pew Research Center study, the percentage of Americans claiming to be spiritual but not religious grew from 19% to 27% of the population between 2012 and 2017, a 42% increase in five years.
Purpose of Spirituality
I used to think the aim of spirituality was to become calm and peaceful, free of all mental and emotional turmoil. If you put in enough effort and were spiritually mature, you would enjoy the trouble-free bliss of tranquility 24/7.
I also believed that once you had arrived, you would no longer have to study the teachings or do the practices. After all, isn’t becoming a spiritual person an achievement like learning how to ride a bicycle, graduating college, or buying a house?
I’ve since realized there is no arrival, perfect tranquility does not exist, and practice and study never end. “If you were to give any guru a spouse, a job, two kids, and a mortgage,” someone once said, “they’d all have a hard time.”
“The purpose of meditation is not to be calm,” said Donald Rothberg on one of my early meditation retreats. “The purpose is to learn to respond to whatever arises with wisdom and compassion.” This was revelatory, as if a deep truth about life had been revealed to me.
Spirituality In Daily Life
To help make sense of spirituality, I’ve compiled a list of recurring themes from my spiritual path. These ideas, or what I perceive as continuums, are distinct yet interrelated areas of practice offering a glimpse into what it looks like to live a genuine spiritual life in the modern world, at least from my perspective.
Maturity tends to deepen over time within each category while ebbing and flowing. We may have realized some level of growth in one area, but it may only sometimes look like it. Generally speaking, I may be clear-minded, but I could have an emotional meltdown at any moment, given the right conditions.
Observing ourselves daily allows us to see how we’re doing and adjust as needed. Am I trying to control this situation too much? Perhaps I need to loosen my grip. Am I being impatient and judgmental? Maybe I need to practice more compassion. Am I hard on myself? Perhaps I’m hard on others too.
After all, life is really about experimenting and tinkering. “Spiritual practice is like floating down a river in a canoe,” a monk once said. “When I float too far left, I steer right. And when I float too far right, I steer left.”
Please know that this list is not meant to be a tool for finding or confirming your faults. Most of us are too hard on ourselves already and would benefit from more kindness and self-compassion. Instead, I invite you to see this as an opportunity to understand yourself better.
If these themes inspire curiosity to learn and grow, wonderful. But if they remind you of your shortcomings, ignore them and continue with your life. At the same time, how you respond may give you a sense of where you lie on the self-hatred/self-acceptance continuum.
Rather than being taken too literally, these classifications are meant to be pointers. Finally, they are not black-and-white. We fall somewhere in the middle, the same way most of us are moderate on the political spectrum.
Spiritual Continua
Bodily pain ……………………………………………………………….. Free of bodily pain
Chronic, recurring physical pain: back, headaches, stomachaches, shoulders, neck, joints, eczema, allergies. | Occasional or almost no physical pain.
Catch colds ……………………………………………………………………. Don’t catch colds
Many, long-lasting colds annually. | Brief, infrequent colds or none at all.
Competition & enemies ………………..…………………………. Sisters and brothers
You see others as competitors or enemies. | You see everyone as your brothers and sisters.
Conflict (internal, external) …………………………….…………………………………… Peace
Regular, ongoing conflict: partner, children, parents, siblings, neighbors, bosses, friends, store clerks, wait staff, and flight attendants. | Get along well with others with little to no conflict while setting boundaries and without having to “hustle for love.”
Controlling ……………………………………………………………………………….. Letting go
You like getting your control freak on. | You can let go and understand that little is within our control anyway.
Defensive …………………………………………………………………….. Open to feedback
You get angry and defensive when you don’t like what you hear. | You welcome feedback because it helps you grow and mature.
Disempowered ……………………………………………………………………… Empowered
You feel like a victim with little to no control over your life or what happens to you. | You feel empowered to do (almost) anything and create the life you want.
Distracted ………………………………….……………………………………………….. Focused
You have difficulty concentrating. It feels like your mind is in a thousand different places at once. | Your mind is clear, centered, and focused.
Drifting ……………………………………………………………………. Living Intentionally
You don’t know who you are, what you want, or what you value. | You know yourself, what you’re about, and what gives your life meaning.
Feel fragmented ………………………………………………………………………. Feel whole
Life feels empty, meaningless, and without purpose. | You feel whole and complete and that your life has meaning.
Obligation ……………………………………………….…………………………………. I choose
Everything feels like a have-to. | You see you are always making choices.
Indecisive ………………..………………………………..………………………………... Decisive
Making decisions is difficult because you don’t trust yourself and look to others for direction. | You believe in yourself and your ability to choose, even if it may not turn out how you wanted.
Judging …………………..………………………………………………….…………….. Observing
You regularly judge people and things. “I hate driving in traffic.” “She’s so fake. | You can observe people and things objectively with an open, curious mind. “What is the experience of driving in traffic?”
Lost in thought ………………………………………………………………………………. Aware
You’re chronically thinking about the past and worrying about the future. | You are present, attentive, and aware of what is happening as it’s happening.
Need to be right ……………………..…………………………………... Okay being wrong
You need to be right all of the time and have the last word. | You readily admit when you’re wrong or make mistakes.
Negative thinking and speech …….…………… Positive thinking and speech
Your mind sees what is wrong in the world, and you verbalize your opinions. | Your mind sees what is right, and you express your gratitude and appreciation.
No laughter ……………………………………………………………………..…… Laugh often
You hardly laugh because life is serious, and the world rests on your shoulders. | You laugh often because you see that life is absurd.
Perfectionism …………………………………………………………………….. Good enough
You have to be perfect and do everything right, every time. | You regularly stop at "good enough.”
Punishing ………………………..………………………………………………. Compassionate
When you see someone pulled over by a police officer, you think, “Get the bad guy!” | When you see someone pulled over by a police officer, you think, “I feel for you. I know how stressful that can be.”
Restless ……………………………………………………………………………………. Grounded
You always need to be doing something, otherwise, you feel antsy. | You feel settled and grounded in your body.
Rigid mind …………………………..…………………………………...…………. Flexible mind
You get upset when others change plans, disagree with you, or present information that challenges your beliefs. | You adapt to change easily and are willing to change your mind when presented with new information.
Self-doubt ……………………………………………………………………………….. Conviction
You don’t believe in yourself and your ability to handle whatever arises. | You believe in yourself and your ability to handle anything and everything.
Self-hatred …………….………..……………………………………...………. Self-acceptance
You dislike and criticize yourself regularly. | You accept who you are and show compassion, patience, and love for yourself.
Sluggish …………………………………………………………………………………………… Alive
You don’t like getting out of bed and feel tired all of the time. | You can’t wait to start the day and feel alive and engaged.
Struggle ………………………………..………………………………………………………..… Ease
You feel overwhelmed, hurried, and pressured by life, and nothing seems to go right. | You feel relaxed and at ease, and life flows without strain and struggle.
Suppress feelings ……………..……………………………………………..……. Feel feelings
You avoid feeling painful feelings like anger, loneliness, and grief. | You feel all unpleasant and pleasant feelings because they enliven and enrich your life.
Thinking in black-and-white …………………………..…. Holding opposing views
You see things and people as all-or-nothing. “She’s always on time.” “He always makes mistakes.” | Seeing everyone as a combination of qualities and attributes. “She’s reliable, but she can be sensitive.”
You take yourself seriously ………………………………….…… You’re lighthearted
You think you are your job, your house, and your kids. You hide your weaknesses and get upset when teased good-naturedly. | You laugh at yourself regularly, go along when others tease you, and readily admit your weaknesses.
Wanting ……………………………..….…………………………………………… Contentment
You’re never satisfied and always want what you don’t have—a faster car, a bigger house, and a higher-paying job. | You’re content with what you have.
What Would You Add?
I hope this list is as helpful for you as it has been for me. But I know it’s limited. Based on your own experience, what categories would you add? Please share in the comments so we can all learn together.
I’ll leave you with this quote from Ramesh S. Balsekar: “The surest signs of spiritual progress are a lack of concern about spiritual progress and an absence of anxiety about liberation.”
Keep practicing. Keep observing. Keep tinkering.
Ryan
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