How to Stop Rejecting Yourself: A Call for Self Acceptance
Learning to love the person you are
Hello & welcome to another edition of Beyond Self Improvement!
Last Wednesday, I wrote Beyond Burnout: The 2 Essential Ingredients for Sustainable Wellbeing
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Dear Friends,
Our relationship with ourselves largely determines our quality of life. We will likely be at war without if we are at war within. Conversely, if we are peaceful within, we will likely be peaceful without.
We can improve our relationship with ourselves by loving ourselves, which starts with accepting ourselves wholeheartedly. This includes accepting our physical bodies, personality, thoughts, emotions, likes, dislikes, quirks, awkwardness, regrets, how we were hurt, and how we may have hurt others.
Many of us have been taught that our bodies are not okay, our behavior is unacceptable, or that we are not enough—not bright, athletic, or beautiful enough. In childhood, we may have interpreted these messages to mean we were somehow flawed or deficient.
We may have abandoned ourselves and begun behaving in ways deemed more acceptable to our parents, teachers, and other adults. In other words, we may have adopted a False Self. The good news is that your original self is still with you. Perhaps it’s time to begin reclaiming your True Self.
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Years ago, my friend Jin and I met at a cafe in downtown Palo Alto, California. We shared a late lunch while catching up about our lives. “Oh, by the way,” said Jin between sips of tea, “I’m going to [X] workshop this weekend.”1 “Funny,” I said. “You’re the third person to mention these workshops recently. Maybe it’s a sign.”
Several months later, I’m standing in front of a group of fifty or so in nothing but my boxers. We were in a cabin in the woods for the first in a series of immersives. I had finally mustered the courage to share what I usually avoid talking about—my emotions.
The second workshop—loving oneself—terrified me, so I signed up. The first exercises were straightforward, but we would talk lovingly to ourselves in a mirror on Saturday afternoon. The closer we got to doing the activity, the more I yawned. Yawning is an old defense mechanism for things I don’t want to do or am afraid of.
The facilitators handed each of us a mirror and instructed us to find a spot outside, away from others so that we wouldn’t hear each other. I sat down, lifted the mirror, and reluctantly looked at myself. “This is ridiculous,” I protested as I lowered the mirror. Again I raised the mirror, followed by, “This is so stupid. Do I really have to do this?”
Eventually, I said to myself, “You’re not alone. Everybody else is doing it too. You can do this.” I steeled my nerves, raised the mirror to my face, looked into my eyes, and read the affirmations aloud, “I love you, Ryan. You are beautiful. You are unique. You are …” I began crying; it was too painful. I started again, “I love you, Ryan. You are beautiful. You are unique. You are a lovable …” By the time I finished, I was emotionally spent. But I was proud of myself, even though I didn’t complete all the exercises.
Over the course of the weekend, I found myself feeling more relaxed and at ease. I became less concerned about what others were thinking about me. I felt more grounded, whole, and centered in my body. Of course, it helped that the facilitators were kind, loving, and gentle.
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Do you love yourself? No matter what? As you would your best friend? Or your child? Or perhaps your parents? Most of us don’t.
Accepting yourself begins with trust; you cannot think your way into trust. You must discover yourself from within. Loving yourself is about transforming and deepening your connection with yourself like the sun illuminating the darkness.
Accepting yourself means seeing past others’ judgments of who you truly are. As you practice gently, the walls you put up to protect yourself will weaken. Bit by bit, you will feel the spreading warmth as your tender, delicate self is revealed.
Many of us have experienced seeing another through the eyes of love but struggle to see ourselves in the same light. Learning to love yourself will challenge you to accept who you are at your core. Yet with practice, you will begin to see your essential goodness, which you came into the world with and still lives within you.
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Below are several exercises for learning how to accept and love yourself. Practicing these may be uncomfortable, especially if you’ve spent years rejecting yourself.
But if you practice these, I promise your relationship with yourself will change from self-rejection to self-acceptance and love. You will feel less judged by others, less inhibited, and less likely to compare yourself to others.
My wish is for you to fall madly in love with yourself. Or, at a minimum, the negative voices in your head will become quieter if not replaced by positive ones.
Below are some suggestions for getting started. Feel free to modify them based on what works best for you.
To start, notice the tone of your voice. If it is less than nurturing, close your eyes, breathe deeply, and bring someone you love or have loved to mind. Connect with the voice you use when sharing loving messages with them. Now, turn that voice toward yourself.
Affirmations. Affirmations are positive statements that can be said in a phrase or a short sentence. They may reflect a direction or a desired outcome.
Example 1: If you wish to replace negative voices about your body with positive ones, you may say, “I am beautiful and whole, inside and out.” Or “My body is lovely and delightful.”
Example 2: Perhaps you experience feelings of being unworthy or left out. You may say, “Everywhere I go, people are happy to see me,” or “People I choose want and need me to be a part of their group.”
Appreciations. Appreciations are acknowledgments of yourself that can be practiced while looking in a mirror. For example, you may say, “I’m so proud of you. You worked hard today.” Or “You’ve done such a good job practicing self-care today. I love you for that.” Then list the reasons you feel that way.
“Marry the one who never leaves you,” said Poonjaji.
Talking lovingly. Another practice is talking to yourself as though you are speaking with your lover. You are your life partner, so why not treat yourself like one? For example, you could say, “I love you. You are so perfect and adorable.” Just speak in the present tense, even if your words don’t yet feel real.
Setting intentions. Set an intention and speak it aloud. For example, “I’ll never leave you” or “I’ll always be here for you.”
Your highest self. Picture yourself whole and complete while talking to yourself. You may consider voicing your most virtuous qualities. What would your closest friends say to you if they were here with you?
Letting it in. While practicing, allow the words to penetrate your being. Without this, these exercises may be a waste of time. This can be done in several ways. You can repeat what is being said, followed by, “And that is the truth.” Or you can speak slowly while looking at yourself through the eyes of love and compassion.
The key to unlocking self-love. For transformation to occur, your feelings must be felt. Saying the words without feeling them in your body won’t change you. Let yourself be emotionally affected by what you are saying. Speak clearly with affection and kindness. Breathe in the feelings behind the words. Absorb the whole intention behind what you say.
Touching. You may consider lovingly touching yourself as you speak. You could touch your face, as a caring parent or friend may. Or you could stroke your hair or upper body while looking at yourself in the mirror and talking lovingly. If there are parts of your body that you struggle with, you may touch those areas while speaking softly to them.
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As you can see, there are many ways to practice self-acceptance. Of course, you will discover your own over time. The most important thing to remember about mirror work is that it requires regular (preferably daily) practice. Repetition is the answer.
Developing any new habit takes time, patience, and vigilance. Keeping a sense of humor will be helpful when wrestling with a negative mind. Be patient, and don’t let that voice derail your efforts. You are the master of your mind.
That’s all for this week. Thanks for being here, giving me this space to share with you, and for your ongoing love and support. I’ll be back in your inbox next Wednesday.
Keep accepting & loving yourself,
Ryan
Oh, and whenever you’re ready, I can help you transform chronic stress and worry into ongoing calm. Making you feel in control in 90 days. Schedule a free, 30-minute discovery call today.