7 Reasonable Practices to Transform Self-Shame into Self-Acceptance
7 Reasonable Practices to Transform Self-Shame into Self-Acceptance
A no-nonsense approach to loving yourself that actually works
Dear friends,
Welcome to another edition of Beyond Self Improvement! Last Wednesday, I published 3 Simple Ways to Free Yourself from Overthinking.
Today’s essay is about overcoming self-shame and fostering unconditional self-acceptance with seven easy-to-follow strategies. If you’re new, please join our growing community and get my next essay in your inbox by subscribing below:
In a world where external validation often dictates our self-worth, it's easy to fall into the trap of self-shame.
Shame is a profound emotion that leaves us feeling unworthy of love or belonging. At times, it can be crippling, hindering our growth, limiting our achievements and clouding our sense of worth. Yet, healing is possible and necessary for long-term well-being and lasting happiness. Today, I want to share with you seven pathways that have helped me out of the shadows of shame and into the light of self-acceptance.
My path is inspired by the thousands of meditations, conversations, workshops, therapy sessions and lessons that have informed and touched my life and, I hope, will resonate with yours.
1. Recognize your inner critic
The first step to overcoming shame is acknowledging its presence.
Often a relic of past criticisms, shame thrives in secrecy and silence and loves pointing out our shortcomings, misgivings and failures. It echoes our deepest insecurities and perceived inadequacies.
We can diminish their power over us by recognizing and naming our feelings of shame. Shame tries to convince you that you are less than, but you’re only human. Recognizing this voice for what it is—a manifestation of my wounds and fears and not the embodiment of truth—has allowed me to largely disentangle from it.
As Brené Brown teaches, vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity, and change. Learn to embrace it.
2. Practice awareness
Mindfulness trains the mind to observe thoughts and feelings without judgment.
Rather than reacting or pushing shame away, notice when it arises. Observe how it feels in your body, what thoughts come up, and how you react. Cultivating nonjudgmental awareness helps create space between you and your shame.
You see that your thoughts are just thoughts, liberating your mind from shame’s compulsive and convincing quality.
With mindfulness, I have learned to let go of the harmful narratives that shame wove around my self-image by noticing my internal dialogue. This has allowed me to see that I am not my feelings and that I can choose to respond to life with the wisdom of the heart rather than react from the blindness of ignorance.
Remember, non-attachment does not mean avoiding or suppressing your emotions but acknowledging them without letting them define you.
3. Accept your imperfections
Self-acceptance starts with acknowledging your limitations.
Perfection is the voice of shame, and it’s an illusion. Pursuing perfection sets us up for failure, reinforcing our sense of deficiency and perpetuating an endless cycle of self-criticism. To be human is to be imperfect.
Once I began embracing my quirks, mistakes, and all the qualities that make me me, my nervous system calmed down, and I felt more grounded in my body. People once repelled by my perfectionism could now relate and connect with my imperfections and humanity.
Remember, embracing your weaknesses is not a concession to mediocrity but a recognition and allowing of your whole being. Celebrate progress, not perfection.
4. Cultivate self-compassion
Self-compassion is the antidote to self-shame.
Practice treating yourself with the kindness, understanding, and forgiveness you would offer a dear friend. Self-compassion involves recognizing our shared humanity, understanding that everyone makes mistakes, and treating ourselves with softness during difficult times.
Dr. Kristin Neff's work on self-compassion offers valuable insights and exercises that can guide you in practicing kindness towards yourself. Self-compassion continues to be one of my most helpful daily practices.
So, befriend yourself and dissolve harsh self-judgments, replacing them with understanding and compassion.
5. Seek supportive relationships
Shame loses its grip when exposed to the light of empathy and understanding.
Finding and cultivating relationships with a trusted friend, family member, or therapist with whom you can share your feelings of shame can be tremendously healing. Speaking your truth out loud can be freeing and help you see you're not alone in your struggles. These relationships serve as mirrors reflecting your worth and potential, reminding you of your value even when you struggle to see it yourself.
Sharing my spiritual path with friends has taught me that connection heals shame.
6. Set clear boundaries
Setting healthy boundaries is essential for self-acceptance.
Boundaries involve recognizing what is not okay with you and communicating that to others. Limits protect your energy and create a safe space for your self-worth to flourish. They also help you distinguish between your feelings and the projections and judgments of others, allowing you to stay true to yourself.
Boundaries are one of the most challenging practices for most people. After fifteen years, I’m still learning daily in this area.
7. Celebrate your progress
Every step toward self-acceptance is a victory worth celebrating.
Acknowledging and celebrating your progress, no matter how small reinforces your self-worth and encourages you to continue. Celebrations are rarely grand gestures but instead quiet moments of acknowledging ourselves for having the courage to face our shame rather than avoiding or acting it out.
As Max Swan reminded me on X/Twitter, “What gets rewarded gets repeated.”
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I've discovered that self-acceptance is not a destination but a daily practice.
It requires patience, perseverance, and, most importantly, a willingness to confront the parts of ourselves we learned to hide or change. By applying these seven strategies, you can dismantle the shame holding you back and step into a life of greater authenticity, freedom, and self-love. Remember, your relationship with yourself sets the tone for every other relationship.
Cultivating self-acceptance is not only an act of self-care but an act of rebellion against a culture that too often plays into our self-doubt. May we support one another in embracing our true selves, limitations and all.
As we move forward, let us remember that we are enough, just as we are. Our worth is not contingent on our productivity, appearance, or possessions. It's inherent in our very being. By practicing self-acceptance, we liberate ourselves and inspire others to do the same. And in this shared experience, we find the strength to build a more compassionate, understanding, and loving world.
Thank you for walking this path with me. Your courage, vulnerability, and resilience are an ongoing source of inspiration.
Until next week.
Keep practicing being your best friend,
Ryan
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Thanks Ryan! One area I spend some time in with my clients is in setting boundaries. It's not easy to do it in a functional way. There's a s subtle but important difference between when it comes out of reaction (eg pushing something or someone away because you can't deal with the feelings it creates) and when it comes out of a centered insight that "this is just not right for me".