Breaking Point or Breakthrough? Inside a 10-Day Silent Meditation Retreat

What happens when you strip away all distractions and confront your inner world?

Welcome to another edition of Beyond Self Improvement! If you missed it, here’s last week’s article: "I'm Such an Idiot!" The Surprising Reason You're So Hard on Yourself.

Today’s essay will explore the unexpected discoveries I made during a 10-day silent retreat that might just change how you view meditation.

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Dear Friend,

Imagine stripping away all distractions—no talking, no phones, no books, no pen and paper, no drinking, no music, no exercise, no sex, not even masturbation—just you, your mind, and ten days of silence. This was the setting for my first 10-day silent meditation retreat in the S. N. Goenka tradition.

As a businessman who had made his fortune young, Goenka himself turned to meditation after relentless migraines drove him to seek a solution beyond medicine. Despite initial skepticism and nearly quitting on the second day, he persisted and discovered a path that would eventually lead to the establishment of over 380 meditation centers worldwide.

My Path Back to Mindfulness

This retreat was a return to a familiar practice and a new beginning for me.

In 2017, I completed three retreats in six months and felt euphoric, like a child. Since then, I’ve had many challenges—becoming a stepparent, navigating two new careers, and facing financial losses. The hardest part, though, was losing touch with myself. I became consumed by the demands of parenting and my relationship, neglecting my self-care and mindfulness practices. Despite maintaining a daily meditation habit, I stopped engaging in activities I loved, like hiking, due to time constraints.

In recent years, I’ve dedicated myself to helping others reduce suffering and find fulfillment, yet ironically, I failed to care for myself as I used to. It wasn't until deep into the retreat that I realized how much sorrow I had accumulated in my body, blinded by the belief that I was taking care of myself.

Reconnecting with Mindfulness: The Retreat Experience

I attended the retreat to reconnect with my once-strong mindfulness practice.

The experience was both wonderful and terrible. Wonderful in the sense that I had the luxury to focus solely on myself for ten days—an incredible privilege. Terrible because of the great physical pain that accompanied the practice.

The retreat began with arrival and introductions. From day one, I experienced intense physical pain during meditation sessions, particularly in my left ankle and knees, and a persistent band across my upper back.

It reminded me of my torturous first retreat in 2005, indicating how much emotional baggage I had accumulated since the last retreat. These physical manifestations are often linked to unfelt emotions rooted in greed and aversion. The body then contracts around these emotions, creating knots of pain throughout the body.

The schedule was strict: waking up at 4 AM, with the first meditation session at 4:30 AM, each lasting from one to one-and-a-quarter hours.

Men and women were segregated, and we adhered to a strict regimen, including no eye contact, separate sleeping and eating areas for men and women, and living according to the Five Precepts [LINK TO ARTICLE https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Five_precepts]. The focus was entirely on the breath and bodily sensations, as taught in the evening discourses by S. N. Goenka.

Daily Schedule

4:00 am Morning wake-up bell

4:30-6:30 am Meditate in the hall or in your room

6:30-8:00 am Breakfast break

8:00-9:00 am Group meditation in the hall

9:00-11:00 am Meditate in the hall or in your room according to the teacher's instructions

11:00-12:00 noon Lunch break

12noon-1:00 pm Rest and interviews with the teacher

1:00-2:30 pm Meditate in the hall or in your room

2:30-3:30 pm Group meditation in the hall

3:30-5:00 pm Meditate in the hall or in your room according to the teacher's instructions

5:00-6:00 pm Tea break

6:00-7:00 pm Group meditation in the hall

7:00-8:15 pm Discourse in the hall

8:15-9:00 pm Group meditation in the hall

9:00 pm Retire to your room—lights out

Daily Experiences and Insights

Day 1: The Initial Shock

The first day was jarring. My body immediately rebelled against the long sittings, with pain flaring up in my ankles, knees, and upper back. The initial discomfort was not just physical—my thoughts raced incessantly, jumping from topic to topic. My mind compared this retreat to previous ones and was filled with aversion to various aspects, from the lack of walking meditation to the video recordings of Goenka to the segregation of men and women. The silence was a relief and a challenge, amplifying the internal noise normally drowned out by external distractions.

Day 2: The Deepening Pain

On the second day, the physical pain intensified. My ankles hurt from the first day, my knees felt like they were on fire, and the band of pain across my upper back intensified. Despite the pain, I continued to practice observing my breath, as instructed, focusing on the sensation of air moving through my nostrils and inside my nose. However, my mind remained restless, constantly seeking to escape the discomfort by drifting into daydreams and past reminiscences. I became aware of how accustomed my mind was to speeding up, always getting ahead of my body. The retreat was an opportunity to bring my attention back to the present again and again.

Day 3: The Wall of Resistance

By the third day, I hit a wall of resistance. The physical pain was relentless, and my mind was still struggling to settle. During a break, I thought, "What am I doing here? I need a vacation, not meditation." My roommate’s restlessness added to my misery. He rarely left the dorm and sighed heavily as if burdened by the weight of one incessant thought: “I should really get up and meditate, but I just can’t do it.” Meditations were like an uphill battle, my mind swinging between brief moments of concentration and long stretches of distraction. However, there was a subtle shift—a faint glimmer of clarity amidst the chaos.

Day 4: The First Glimmer of Clarity

Day four brought slight physical relief, but new challenges arose. The ongoing discomfort in my sinuses, ostensibly due to the air conditioning, turned into a sore throat. I contemplated leaving the retreat but decided to stay, hoping for relief. The instructions shifted to observing bodily sensations. The change in focus brought a deeper awareness of the tension and discomfort in my body, revealing the extent to which unfelt emotions had accumulated. The realization that my body was holding onto years of stress and emotional pain was both illuminating and daunting.

Day 5: The Turning Point

The fifth day marked a turning point. Despite the sore throat and the persistent physical pain, I began to experience a deeper level of meditation. We were instructed to observe all physical sensations with equanimity rather than reacting, part of a practice known as Vipassana. This technique encouraged me to notice the impermanence of sensations—how they arose, lingered, and passed away. It was a clear reminder of the transient nature of all things. Realizing this shifted my perspective, making the physical pain more bearable as I began to see it as just another passing phenomenon.

Day 6: The Struggle Intensifies

Day six was particularly challenging. The symptoms I suspected might be the flu compounded my physical and mental pain. My body ached all over, I felt chills and hot flashes, and my nose ran continuously behind my mask. The mental discipline required to sit through the pain and discomfort was immense. Yet I was determined to remain at the retreat. I was aware that my sickness might lead other retreatants to become sick, so I began wearing a mask and constantly sanitizing my hands. Regardless, sickness is another thing to fold into our practice to strengthen our minds. I was also aware that I might be asked to leave the retreat, so I did my best to hide my symptoms, which added another layer of stress. The physical pain now seemed less significant compared to the mental challenge of maintaining equanimity amidst illness and extreme discomfort.

Day 7: The Descent into Sickness

My symptoms worsened on the seventh day. The illness made my back so tight that my back ached, just reaching for my toes. My stomach hurt, and I experienced diarrhea, adding to my ongoing misery. Despite these challenges, I continued practicing observing physical sensations, but the sickness made concentrating even harder. The constant fluctuation between feeling slightly better and worse made it difficult to maintain a consistent practice. However, the retreat’s strict schedule and disciplined environment provided the structure I needed to keep me going.

Day 8: The Breaking Point

Day eight felt like a breaking point. My symptoms persisted, and the waves of chills and hot flashes were unrelenting. I struggled with the air conditioning in the meditation hall and residence, which seemed to exacerbate my symptoms. I kept my hoodie on to warm up, only to sweat shortly after. The rule against making gross movements during meditation—like unzipping my hoodie—added to my distress. Despite these challenges, I noticed a growing awareness of the sensations in my body and the accompanying mental states. The awareness provided a small but crucial glimmer of relief.

Day 9: A Glimmer of Relief

On the ninth day, I woke up feeling noticeably better for the first time. It was as if a fever had finally broken. The physical pain had diminished, and only a dull ache remained in my back. The whole experience shifted where physical discomfort was no longer the central focus of my attention. Instead, I began to experience a deeper sense of clarity and calm. The retreat’s teachings on impermanence and the transient nature of all experiences sunk in more. I felt a renewed sense of purpose and was grateful for the opportunity to delve so deeply into my practice.

Day 10: The Return to Speech

The tenth day marked the end of the silent period, and we were allowed to speak again to help us transition back to daily life. The experience of speaking after nine days of silence felt strange—my vocal cords were out of shape, and I could barely talk. I spoke with a fellow retreatant who asked how meditation had changed my life. As I recounted the benefits—such as clarity, confidence and a deep sense of inner peace—I began to cry, overwhelmed with gratitude for the practice and all the teachers who helped me along the way. Half of the retreatants had left by now, and only a skeleton of the original group remained. The physical pain was almost entirely gone, replaced by a deep inner calm.

Lessons and Takeaways: The Power of Meditation

1. The power of the mind. The human mind is remarkably powerful and capable of creating suffering and relief. It's like a high-powered engine running at full throttle when only a fraction of that power is needed for daily life.

2. Greed and aversion. These are the root causes of much of our suffering. They manifest as physical pain and mental restlessness, driving us to act in ways that perpetuate the cycle of suffering.

3. The importance of equanimity. Developing a balanced mind is crucial. Like a ship in a storm, our minds are tossed about by greed and aversion. Learning to navigate these storms with equanimity is essential for long-term peace and happiness.

4. The role of physical sensations. The body stores unfelt emotions and stress, which manifest as physical pain. We can release these deep-seated mental patterns by observing these sensations without attachment or aversion. It's a daily practice of purifying the mind and preventing new negative patterns from forming.

5. Value of consistent practice. The retreat reinforced the importance of consistent practice in developing mindfulness and concentration. Even in the face of physical discomfort, the practice becomes a refuge, a way to ground oneself amidst the chaos.

6. The Role of Surrender. True peace comes when we stop resisting the present moment and meet life as it is, not how we would like it to be. The more we fight against discomfort, the more it persists. Surrendering to the experience allows the mind and body to release their grip on pain.

7. The temporality of pain. Observing that pain, when not reacted to, dissipates over time is a powerful lesson. It shows that much of our suffering is perpetuated by our resistance to it.

8. The mind-body connection. The retreat reinforced the idea that physical pain often has a psychosomatic component. The body and mind are deeply interconnected, and healing one often involves purifying the other.

9. The benefits of stillness. Sitting still for extended periods teaches discipline and provides a rare opportunity to observe the mind's inner workings. Meditation can lead to greater mental clarity and emotional resilience.

10. Concentration vs. awareness. While the retreat emphasized concentration, it also highlighted the importance of awareness—being present with whatever arises. Both skills are essential for navigating life's complexities with grace and equanimity.

The Way Forward

Leaving the retreat, I felt a renewed sense of purpose and clarity.

The experience was a sharp reminder of the importance of the continuinty of practice and caring for oneself. As I return to daily life, I am more committed than ever to maintaining a strong mindfulness practice without interruption and reducing suffering for myself and others.

The journey never ends, and this retreat has revealed valuable insights and a deeper understanding of the path ahead. It's a path of patience, courage, and, above all, constancy.

The practice continues one breath at a time.

Keep meditating,

Ryan

That’s all for this week. See you next Wednesday.

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